Category Archives: Aghaloo
Tyrone Heroes Prepare To Get Heads Taken Clean Off In Club Championship
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
Rainbows Spanning Border After Brexit Will Not Count
Senior British officials have confirmed that, post-Brexit, any rainbows spanning the border will not be classed as rainbows and anyone admiring them in their entirety will be subject to a fine or even worse.
Rainbows have often been a bone of contention in the north with many riots the result of a difference of opinion as to whether it was mostly a protestant or catholic rainbow due to its starting positions.
Today’s announcement by Downing Street brought back bad memories for Aughnacloy’s Deccie McBogue:
“I remember in 1988 admiring a rainbow in our village. It seemed to start in Emyvale, in Monaghan. The next thing I remember was an RUC officer kicking the shite outta me and telling me to stop looking at that Fenian rainbow. Since then, any time I see a rainbow, I just nod my head in quiet admiration so as to not draw attention to myself in case I get the lining kicked out of me again.”
How the rainbows will be monitored have yet to be revealed but an official did add that anyone looking at one of them double rainbows which stretch across the Brexit border will be brought straight to Castlereagh.
Meanwhile, Galbally is on fire.
Shock As Early Drawing Confirms St Patrick Liked Beans With His Fry
Violent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it.
The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.
Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:
“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”
However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:
That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”
Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.
Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.
Tyrone Man Arrested In Connection To Pipe Bands
Police have arrested a suspect in connection with at least a dozen boxes containing likely pipe band material as well as possession of plans to start a pipe band in the Aughnacloy area.
Cedric Bogue, 46, originally from Fermanagh, was taken into custody on Friday, PSNI Director Chris Right confirmed at a press conference today in Dungannon.
Bogue has been charged with five serious crimes ― intercounty transportation of a bass drone reed, illegal mailing of flyers to promote the band, making threats against members of rival bands, threatening social media communications, and assaulting current and former pipe band judges before they’d even competed. He faces up to 48 years in prison.
Pipe Major of Aghaloo Slashers Pipe Band, Kirk Douglas, is delighted at Bogue’s arrest:
“The last thing Aughnacloy needs is another pipe band. What with fundraising, marching the roads, the dreadful chanter squeals from bad players and unsightly legs, the people of this area have suffered enough. I only play to get away at the weekends.”
Bogue has already admitted to distributing practice chanters and music sheets for tunes such as The Bonnie Lass of Lisrooskey, Cuthbert Donnelly’s Farewell To Emyvale and The Rowan Tree to over a dozen impressionable music-loving youths.
Aghaloo Man Suffers From Acute ‘Tea And Sandwiches From Boot’ Addiction
Aghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.
According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.
Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from
“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.
The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.
Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:
“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”
Enda is currently unavailable for comment.
Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.
New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Dolores, The Psychic Eel Who Predicted Wins For Aghaloo And Edendork, Killed And Gutted
Dolores, the psychic eel
PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.
At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.
Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.
Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;
“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”
Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.
Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.
‘Tyrone-Shaped Omelette’ Destined To Replace Brooks At Croke Park
The Omagh Omelette
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident
In another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.
The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.
Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:
“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”
Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:
“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”
Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.
GAA Playing Animals Come Forward In Droves. Epidemic Level Of Fowl Play.
Derrytresk Goat, this morning
The news that a dog has been togging out for the successful Ardboe minor team has encouraged a flood of other animals to come forward and admit they have been playing football and hurling for years across the county. Beragh, Derrytresk, Urney and Stewartstown are only some of the clubs named today as having used animals in league games down the years and one in a crucial championship match.
A Bilberry goat, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed he played three league games for Derrytresk in 2011 as the management rested players for important championship games:
“Yes that is true. Against Owen Roes I played corner forward, corner back against Dregish and in the final game I togged out in midfield against Newtownstewart, scoring 0-2. To be honest I felt a bit used. I was under strict instructions not to talk to the opposition or to the press afterwards. They also warned me not to do goaty things like eating the grass or excreting all over the place willy-nilly. I felt like a silly billy.”
At the same time a wolf from Beragh revealed he played an entire season in goals five years ago.
“Yes, I’m glad the Derrytresk goat opened the floodgates. I was goalkeeper for the Beragh Red Knights for 16 league games in 2008 and was also silenced by our tyrannical management team. That was bad enough but the slagging I got in the showers was unbearable. They goaded me so much calling me hairy bollocks and all that I snapped after a game in Brocagh and bit the nose clean off our captain. They left me alone after that but I was never one of the lads.”
Two unrelated donkeys, Sam from Urney and Donal from Stewartstown held a press conference at the donkey sanctuary in Tattyreagh. Donal told the waiting journalists:
“This is only the start. You’ll find a lot more animals coming forward in the coming days. We contacted the GPA but they weren’t interested. We’ve now created the GAA (Gaelic Animal Association) and will look for fair play. I played a championship hurling game for Stewartstown against Dungannon a couple of years ago and afterwards I was used as transport for the chairman and his wife who live in Lissan. It’s just not right.”
The county board is investigating the accusations as well as the rumour that an entire battery of hens lined out for Moortown in a 2007 end-of-season fixture against Aghaloo, losing by a point. The match had attracted mysterious bets from Thailand.
Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Parish, looking bloated
The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.
“Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.
Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.
“It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.
In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.
Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.
Mixed Reaction In Tyrone To Eurovision Disaster
We were out and about this morning gauging early reactions to last night’s tragedy in Sweden:
“Who ever heard of Denmark, like? They can stick their tin whistle up their hole.” B McElduff, Carrickmore
“Them leather trousers lost it. The lad could hardly move. His lad could hardly move. He should’ve thrown some shapes.” M Gildernew, Aghaloo
“See next year. I’m going to enter and during the last bar I’ll turn around, drop my trousers and have ‘Up Yours Europe’ tattooed on my buttocks. That’ll learn them.” F McGuigan, Ardboe
“Trappatoni OUT!” P Canavan, Ballygawley
“I’ve more buckin points on my licence.” G Cavlan, Dungannon
“That girl didn’t even have any shoes and still won. Embarrassing. We need to send a tramp out next year.” P Donaghy, Moy
“Them boys with the bodhrans should’ve worn shirts. And not played bodhrans.” P Begley, Pomeroy
“One point from the UK? No more Mr Kipling for me.” M Cush, Donaghmore
“We’d still drink them under the table. But they won’t have a Eurovision for that, will they?” J Devlin, Gortin
“The lorry-top parade has been cancelled because of ….poor visibility. Yes, the weather is cat.” Strabane Council
“His teeth were too white. People didn’t believe he was Irish. And the tan? Come on, like.” M O’Neill, Clonoe
“We need to send out Bono, all greased up like, playing the accordion and maybe the girls from Betwitched leaping about him singing about the Sean Quinn thing.” R McMenamin, Dromore
Aughnacloy Nurse Looked After Queen. Says She Was Quare Craic.
Queen – not as grumpy as she looks
An Aughnacloy woman was given the job of looking after the UK Queen this week in hospital as the British monarch battled bad wind and irregular bowel movements. Belinda Gildernew, an employee of the King Edward VII hospital since she was dismissed from Craigavon for slipping patients a ‘drop of the hard stuff’, maintains the head of the royal family wasn’t grumpy at all and was ‘some girl for the slaggings’.
“To be honest I wasn’t overly excited when I was given the briefing. I thought she’d be too old for a bit of banter. How wrong was I? As soon as she heard my accent she was ‘Paddy this’ and ‘to be sure to be sure’ that, all in good taste. I told her where I came from and I was astonished when she asked if Sean Douglas still played for Aghaloo. I really underestimated her knowledge of the lower leagues in Tyrone.”
Gildernew was sad to see Windsor leave the hospital yesterday as it meant she had to go back to cleaning the arses of patients who weren’t all that much craic at all.
“Ah I’ll miss the oul bint you know. She’d obviously done a bit of research on the Gildernews overnight using a special computer because the next morning she was fit to slag me about the fight we’re having with the Hughes family over access to a field near Caledon. There was one scary moment though when I dropped my guard and told her about my uncle who tried to blow her up in the 80s. Her faced dropped and she said she’d have me hanged in the tower for treason. I nearly dunged the togs. She then broke out laughing and told me to ‘have a titter of wit’ and sure it was all water under the bridge. She said her and Philip even listen to the Wolfe Tones before weddings.”
Belinda says she told the Queen she’s welcome down the Monaghan Road any time apart from Saturday mornings as they’re normally dying with the hangovers.
Out And About: Reflecting On Christmas
We went out and about this morning to catch the opinions of the early shoppers in Cookstown regarding how their Christmas went:
“Ghost-oh. It was some handlin. I had a few stiff ones on Christmas Eve but came home early to let herself head out to pick up a few last minutes. I must’ve had more drink in me than I thought as I fell asleep whilst looking after the weeins. I woke an hour later to find they’d opened every present under the tree and ate most of the chocolates. She was like a pishmire when she came home. Christmas was a cold, dark day. She didn’t even comment on the pliers I got her.” JOHN DEVLIN, ARDBOE
“Santa the bastard. Didn’t come near me. Well, he can slide on. Did ye hear oul Margaret died this morning? She’ll not have to do that again I suppose.” PATSY JOHNSTONE, DREGISH
“Ah it was OK. Big feed and all but you miss The Irish News.” DARREN HUBBERT, AGHALOO
“Terrible. I’ve nine children and they just wrecked the place. At one stage two of my sons were in casualty having shot each other in the eyeball with an air rifle. A daughter broke her ankle trying to roller-skate down Scotch Street. Uncle Joe got drunk by midday and vomited over his own dinner. Mark, my husband, didn’t like the pants I got him as they were too small and he thought I was sending him a message. Hateful memories.” CATHY MULLAN, DUNGANNON
“Brillant day altogether. Went to mass and all the wemen had new clothes on. I was so impressed I went to all the masses in the neighbouring parish to look at the women and their frocks. It’s my favourite day of the year.” SEAMUS MCANALLAY, OMAGH
“A buckin book about Louis the bollocks Walsh. What was he thinking, the miserable oul hoor.” KATE CAMPBELL, COALISLAND
TYRONE COURT NOTICES DECEMBER
AGHALOO man Gertrude Sherry (55) has been sentenced to three weeks hard labour after being found guilty of wrecking a few shops in Aughnacloy. The original sentence was reduced on empathetic grounds after the full details emerged behind Sherry’s furious rampage. Having checked his lottery numbers on Saturday night, Sherry realised he had all six numbers and with a jackpot of £1.2m he immediately set off on a shopping spree overnight on the Internet, purchasing a 2011 Porche, a small helicopter, a cruise holiday for 12, back stage passes for the next Springsteen concert and a year’s worth of oil heating. It wasn’t until he went to collect his winnings that he was told 500,000 others had the same numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6), each winning just over £2. Sherry demolished half the town when he arrived home. The judge said any man would do the same, especially in Aughnacloy.
BERAGH boiler servicer Horace McNally (31) was remanded in custody after a failed robbery attempt just outside the village. McNally, out of work since the summer, attempted to rob a cafe in the Beragh area only to be told that he had to order something for them to be able to open the till. Looking at the menu, McNally ordered a ham sandwich and a cup of tea. After being told they’d run out of ham, he changed the order to a sausage bap. Again, unluckily for McNally, they’d run out of baps. Frustrated, Horace said he’d just take the tea to go. As the brew was being made, 15 minutes after the original demand, the police arrived on the scene and apprehended the hungry villain.
PLUMBRIDGE A Level student Leon McCabe (17) has been ordered to pay username ‘BigLad33’ £30 after calling him names on a well known GAA online forum. McCabe, who goes under the name of ‘BateItIntoThem’ on the same forum, got into a heated written exchange on the internet regarding Gortin’s failure to achieve promotion this year. Reacting to BigLad33’s assertion that Gortin weren’t good enough for division 1, McCabe released a torrent of abuse, calling BigLad33 a ‘tramp’, ‘c*ntyballs’ and ‘f*ckin frigid w*anker from Omagh’. The distressed BigLad33 said he was happy with the thirty quid. McCabe has been ordered to take a deep breath before typing.
Word On The Street – The American Presidency
This morning our journalists asked anyone they could see out walking around about the upcoming American presidential election.
To be honest, I haven’t been following it atall. JACK MCGUIGAN, ARDBOE
I wouldn’t have a clue. Are you from the paper? DECLAN MANGAN, AGHALOO
Eh? Nah, couldn’t care less. It’s wile coul. SEANA JACOBS, DREGISH
Who’s Osama up agin? Romney? Never heard of him. Is he a taig? ASHLEY ROCKS, COAGH
An election. Jaysus it that the next of it? I hear Red Gerry from the Gortin Rd took a bad turn last night. Big drinker. PADDY MAGUIRE, OMAGH
All depends on who the Yanks want bombed next. If one said he’d be bombing Ardboe I’d be on the phone to every Devlin in the States, canvassing. COLM DEVLIN, MOORTOWN
Will ye give me head pace about them fcukers. Will it affect the price of a spud? No. Now away a that a ye. DANNY HASSON, DUNGANNON
Romney for me. I’ve great time for the mormons. FR HUGH O’REILLY, FINTONA
Tyrone Lonely Hearts Club Vol. 2
Moortown man, heavy drinker, 35. Seeks any type of woman, size not important, who’s interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Moortown St Malachy’s and has been known to start fights outside the Glenavon at three o’clock in the morning. Good arms for pouring a must.
Teetotal Stewartstown joiner, 55, following a sad recent loss seeks a replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Augher man, 44, hideous looking, obese, bad odour, bad-tempered, cowardly and lazy. Seeks the complete opposite. No time-wasters.
Loughmacrory woman, 39, currently researching animal public executions, seeks man up to 40 for nights of gentle sobbing while shaking clenched fists at the ceiling. Must have own car.
Bitter unsuccessful Omagh woman, 41, wallowing in an unending pit of self-pity, seeks nerdy, leech-type who I can bore to tears with dull tales and listening to K.D. Lang CDs.
4-toed Mountjoy farmer, 51, likes spiders, buttermilk and a good long mass. Seeks chesty lesbian for the challenge. Must have no sense of smell.
Tall, well-built, frustrated Cookstown woman, 40, can’t take any more rejection, seeks man not unused to the sound of wailing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Needs to tell me how attractive I am on the hour.
Angry, simple-minded Aghaloo widower, 77, balding, partially blind with a passion for pickles and scotch eggs. Seeks a heavily-tattooed hairy woman for nights of passion in the open fields of Aughnacloy. No freaks.
Omagh Woman, 35. Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. Would like to meet man for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically. Must have holiday home in Donegal and Europe.
Aghaloo Man Misheard Doctor Advice
An Aghaloo snake milker, Ned Johnson, was today recovering at home after a near-fatal misheard diagnosis left him in casualty soon after yesterday’s All-Ireland. Johnson, who milks snakes for research at Queen’s University, visited the doctor on Friday evening complaining of mouth ulcers.
“My gob had been killing me all week. I couldn’t ate a thing by Friday so I visited the doctor’s surgery in the middle of the village. My normal doctor, Dr Fargo, wasn’t in that day as he’s undergoing treatment himself for beer addiction in Armagh. I was seen by an Asian boy who gave me clear instructions when I gave him my details.”
As it transpired, Dr Ahmed couldn’t prescribe any medicine late that Friday as he needed clearance from Dr Fargo who was drying out in Armagh allegedly. Dr Ahmed takes up the story:
“I tried phoning Dr Fargo but he seemed, how can I put it, plastered. I told Mr Johnson to come back on Monday but in the mean time go to the garage and ask for some ice-cream and eat it slowly. That would soothe his mouth pain. They were clear instructions. In Aghaloo it appears not though.”
Not ice cream
We now know that Ned misheard the Pakistani medicine man’s advice and asked the boy at the checkout for some ass-cream. He was handed a tube of E45 which the ulcer-ridden Johnson slowly devoured after dinner on Sunday. It was as the Angelus came on that he began retching violently and was driven to Craigavon by his 9-year-old son. Johnson added:
“In years to come I’ll laugh about it but it was a harrowing experience. The stuff tasted worse than shite. Your man just got the wrong hole, God bless him.”
Aghaloo Man Mows Field Anyway
Artist’s depiction of Cant on a good day
Despite the the recent Amazonian rainforest conditions and against advice from the Downtown Radio Farmers’ Hour Phone-In Advice Section, Aghaloo farmer Emmanuel Cant yesterday bulled ahead anyway and attempted to mow down the grass from his 5-acre land. The pleas and screams from his wife and daughters were soon drowned out when he started the back-firing 1955 Massey at the access to the field. Ironically, Cant’s father, Aristotle, had taken a similar head stagger a decade earlier during the torrential rainfall of 2002 but aborted the mission after destroying a nest of seals.
Emmanuel ran into difficulty early on as the Massey jammed in the swampy conditions and was heard to shout “get the fuckin scythe”. He proceeded to manically hack away at the soaking hay until exhaustion set in around tea-time and he was physically removed by his brother Francis who owns the field adjacent but had built flats on it.
He was heard to say ‘I’ll not let the fucker get the better of me’, with locals speculating whether he meant the field or the brother.
Tyrone Tribulations 