A fleet of farmers from Fintona have appealed to their various denominations for guidance on the issue of gay animal marriages in the wake of the up-coming referendum on same-sex human marriage in Ireland later in the year.
Homosexuality in the animal kindgom has been a thorny issue for farmers for centuries, especially bull farmers whose livlihoods depend on the hetrosexual tendancies of their prized possessions. However, recently, farmers who allowed inter-animal marriages on their farms are said to be ‘a touch confused’ as to whether they should turn a blind eye to eloping livestock.
Pat Sweeney, 67, who blissfully admitted to housing gay pigs, sheep and bulls without much thought, revealed he wants to hear the Church’s take on the whole issue of same-sex animal marriage before any more ceremonies are carried out:
“It’s probably not a well-known aspect to farming. We’ve been marrying animals for a laugh for as long as I can remember as did my father and his father before him. Tuxedos, veils, music, confetti, the lot. It adds a bit of spice to the otherwise monotonous routine of farm work. This whole cake stuff and the vote down south has made us a bit more aware of our religious obligations. The Vatican needs to address this issue now.”
Sweeney estimated that one in every three animals he owns is gay although revealed that lesbian tendancies don’t appear to be as strong in sows and ewes.
Fr Lionel Lawless announced this morning he is to fly to Rome immediately to get an answer to what he calls ‘a confusing handlin’.
“We’re not really sure where we stand on this one to be honest. But if it’s decided that same-sex animal marriage is not permitted, we’ll also be asking farmers to reveal the homosexual animals in their care so that people know what they’re eating.”
Farmers in East Tyrone have re-enforced their stance that gay and lesbian animals are welcome on their fields no matter what the Church decides and that they’re secured the services of a rebel priest who’ll perform same-sex animal marriages in broad daylight.
Moortown man, heavy drinker, 35. Seeks any type of woman, size not important, who’s interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Moortown St Malachy’s and has been known to start fights outside the Glenavon at three o’clock in the morning. Good arms for pouring a must.
Teetotal Stewartstown joiner, 55, following a sad recent loss seeks a replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Augher man, 44, hideous looking, obese, bad odour, bad-tempered, cowardly and lazy. Seeks the complete opposite. No time-wasters.
Loughmacrory woman, 39, currently researching animal public executions, seeks man up to 40 for nights of gentle sobbing while shaking clenched fists at the ceiling. Must have own car.
Bitter unsuccessful Omagh woman, 41, wallowing in an unending pit of self-pity, seeks nerdy, leech-type who I can bore to tears with dull tales and listening to K.D. Lang CDs.
4-toed Mountjoy farmer, 51, likes spiders, buttermilk and a good long mass. Seeks chesty lesbian for the challenge. Must have no sense of smell.
Tall, well-built, frustrated Cookstown woman, 40, can’t take any more rejection, seeks man not unused to the sound of wailing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Needs to tell me how attractive I am on the hour.
Angry, simple-minded Aghaloo widower, 77, balding, partially blind with a passion for pickles and scotch eggs. Seeks a heavily-tattooed hairy woman for nights of passion in the open fields of Aughnacloy. No freaks.
Omagh Woman, 35. Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. Would like to meet man for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically. Must have holiday home in Donegal and Europe.