Monthly Archives: May 2017
Farmers Accused Of Using Instagram Filters To Make Cattle Look More Attractive Online
Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon.
Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:
“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”
Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:
“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”
Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.
Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday
Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack.
In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.
An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:
We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”
It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.
Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.
Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.
87 Pupils Suspended After Primary School’s One-Word Arlene Foster Competition Turns Blue
In a bid to raise money for the new donkey sanctuary in Newmills, a charity initiative by the St Mary’s Primary School in Roughan ended up with almost 90 pupil suspensions after a competition to describe Arlene Foster in just one word witnessed some dubious entries.
Foster, who received criticism for her one-word association game with the Sunday Independent to describe a fellow Stormont politician, was going to be asked to present the winning entry with a cheque for £10 and a Wispa bar.
Roughan staff called a halt to the competition after reading just 100 entries, 87 of them too obscene to go to print. Headmaster John Adams admitted he didn’t foresee the dubious quality of adjectives to describe the First Minister:
“It was rough. The first few were bad enough – ‘ballax’ etc – but then it started to get x-rated. I had no idea the P1s had such an extensive and colourful vocabulary. I’ve a fair idea some of the parents got involved in the process and maybe manipulated some of the entries. We had to suspend 87 pupils and just burned the remaining entries because Mrs Hilton kept fainting.”
Roughan confirmed that the £200 raised so far by the competition for the donkey sanctuary will still reach its intended destination, but that there will be a new ‘Acceptable Language’ policy drawn up immediately by the Board of Governors.
It has since emerged that over 10 votes were spoiled by entries using two words to describe Foster. Principal Adams reiterated that ‘effin’ is not an acceptable word anyway.
Attendance At Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Homecoming In Coalisland Reaches 3 Million
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement
As Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.
McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:
“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”
The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.
“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”
Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.
Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners
by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket
An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.
The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.
With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.
Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.
Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:
“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.
It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”
In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.
Hole-Punching On The Rise In Mid Ulster
PSNI officials have confirmed that over 30 people have been arrested in the greater Kildress/Greencastle because of the recent hole-punching craze. Hole-punching, which sees a victim being punched on the backside by a passer-by or lingerer, has been on the rise in recent weeks in the area with many crimes going unsolved due to the stealth-like nature of the antagonists.
Although the majority of crimes have been committed in the open air, usually in busy shopping streets, there has been a marked rise in incidents during Communion at Mass or in the queue at the Jobcentre Plus offices.
The most recent arrest occurred at the Kildress Chip Shop when a 55-year-old man became a victim whilst ordering a cowboy supper with a tin of Lilt. Paddy McGurk explained:
Yes, there I was queuing up for a feed and all of a sudden Mrs Burns came up behind me and gave me an unmerciful punch on the backside. It was quite a shock and I didn’t expect it from a woman of 49. This hole-punching has to stop. It’s as bad as the yo-yo.”
The art of hole-punching can be traced back to the mid-1500s when old Gaelic Lords and their armies used the same tactic to great success against the English due to a lack of weaponry.
A BBC documentary on hole-punching was abandoned last week after their production team had ‘the holes punched clean off them‘ after an ambush by the Kildress Cabal.
Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.