Monthly Archives: August 2019
A Belfast scientist today announced that, after studying the longevity of loughshore people over the last 25 years, swallowing over 60 midges a day can add a decade to your life if consumed during the summer months for at least three consecutive years.
Although it has been a well known fact that the average Ardboe or Washingbay resident lives to 90-109 years of age, not until now has the reason been forensically analysed in such depth.
Previously, reasons for such long lifespan included eating large amounts of pollan and eels, fighting, in-breeding and doing the double. However, three families in the area have been monitored over a period of 36 months which have led to Professor Mike McKindlin’s findings:
On average, the loughshorian swallows over 4000 midges on any given week during the summer. This can occur when walking, running, hiding or just sleeping outside with your mouth open. This was the X Factor I’ve been looking for. I’m quite sure midges make you live longer.”
Doctors have long puzzled over why many chain-smoking alcoholics from the area have been able to celebrate their 100th birthdays in relatively good health. The NI Tourism Board are now looking for protected status for midges and are encouraging locals to begin making plans for the promotion of midge soup and midge sausages and the like.
They are also hoping 1980s star Midge Ure from Ultravox will get involved.
As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs
According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.
It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.
A squad player added:
“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”
Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.