Category Archives: Strabane
WHAT’S ON IN TYRONE – THIS WEEKEND
SATURDAY 4TH MARCH
BALLYGAWLEY – RAVE AT THE ROUNDABOUT
In order to raise spirits after recent defeats, the Tyrone County Board is holding a rave in the middle of the Ballygawley Roundabout. Classics such as ‘Blanket On The Ground’ and ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ will be rehashed for the techo age. DJ Endza McGinley. Roundabout opens 7pm
STEWARSTOWN – BARE KNUCKLE BOXING FOR WOMEN
Stewartstown Committee has scheduled a bare-knuckle competition for women between the ages of 18 and 90. The ‘last woman standing’ event will see a prize of a £50 voucher to be spent in Lowes Butchers. Outsiders are not welcome. First fight 8pm.
DONAGHMORE – WALK TO POMEROY AND BACK
The Donaghmore Walkers’ Society have organised their maiden Donaghmore to Pomeroy walk, a treacherous expedition not attempted since Paudge Donnelly tried it in 1964. He was never seen again but legend has it he still roams the mountains. Bring your own weapon and a flask of tea. Walk starts at 5am.
SUNDAY 5TH MARCH
STRABANE – BEAR-WATCHING DAY
The annual bear-watching day takes place this Sunday at the Home Bargains car park from 9am-12pm, before the shops open. Bears once ran wild in Strabane over 2500 years ago so the locals maintain a tradition of keeping count of the bears in the area on the first Sunday in March every year. There hasn’t been one since 1744 but that one turned out to be a bare man from Castlederg.
TATTYREAGH – AGRICULTURAL POETRY WORKSHOP
In what will be the third week of the workshop, participants will be asked to find words that rhyme with cow, tractor, baling twine, harvester, and spud. Two hours. The first rhyming word is thrown in at 3pm.
DERRYLAUGHAN – EEL-SKINNED ARTEFACT DISPLAY
The Loughshore Eel Appreciation Society is opening up its valued artefacts to be viewed by the public for free. Some examples are the eel-skinned handbags used by local women up until 1998, eel-skinned dentures, an eel-skinned small tractor, and eel-skinned pencil cases for children which are still in use. The display opens at 12pm.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Foster Says Carrickmore Is A Bit Too Tyroney
Following on from her comments that St Patrick’s Day was a wee bit too Irish, Arlene Foster drove through Carrickmore today on her way to a cattle mart in Strabane and was reportedly overheard telling a farmer that Carrickmore looked a wee bit too Tyroney.
Foster, who unsuccessfully bid on three heifers and a bull, maintained that the Tyrone village was full of people with ‘them thick Tyrone heads on them and tight 1980s short and them all eating cowboy suppers and licking Choc Ices‘.
Foster also lamented that, having stopped in the shop in Carrickmore to buy the Newsletter, nearly everyone was called Cahair or Barry or Gormley or McElduff.
Carrickmore Tourism Board have already responded tonight, claiming that Carrickmore is a cosmopolitan village and even had a boy from France in the laundrette washing his jeans two years ago, much to the enjoyment of three female Carrickmore pensioners, one of whom was taken to the local doctor after a fainting fit.
Foster did welcome the plethora of Ivory Coast flags on display though.
Visit To Bottle Bank Is Biggest Walk Of Shame Claims New Study
Visiting the bottle bank has been identified as an even bigger walk of shame than coming in at 7am after a drunken dalliance with the second cousin, claims a new study published today.
The paper showed that thousands of people detest having to make the visit, even moreso than going to the dentist, with some people having to endure over 10 minutes shoving bottle after bottle of wine or beer into the recycling bank, with every crash of a bottle bringing even more attention to the deed.
Patsy McGarrell of Strabane explained his dilemma:
“Sometimes I haven’t been to the bottle bank in about three weeks. The shame is tarra. I often take time with any Shloer bottles, holding it up and all, just to make people aware that it’s not all alcohol. But five minutes into the crashing noises and I’m dying inside. I can feel 50 sets on eyes on me. I mostly wear a hood now and go when it’s lashing down.”
On average, a bottle banker will deposit 45 bottles. Many claimed to have even more in the boot but couldn’t stick the crashing sound after approximately eight minutes so headed on.
The study also showed that shop staff shaking their heads and smirking didn’t help matters.
Vote For Your Favourite Hedge In Tyrone
In a bid to raise spirits amidst the current new restrictions, the Tyrone Tourism Board have asked people to upload photos of their favourite hedge to this website. The winner will receive a free hedge cut for the whole parish for less than a fiver each.
So far, we have had four astonishing entries.
- Ardboe
This hedge in Ardboe captures the natural beauty of the loughshore. Our expert says it encapsulates the rustic nature of an area renowned for its cattle and fishing. It’s called ‘the hedge’.
2. Plumbridge
‘Pruning in the Plum’ is a majestic example of the seasonal Plumbridge effect. In summer, this hedge would be thriving with wildlife and leaves and sometimes people.
3. Strabane
This big hedge is known as the ‘tall buckin hedge’ in the greater Strabane area and was famously jumped by Red Rum when the horse came to stay in 1976.
4. Windmill
Harry’s Hedge outside the Windmill is our final entry so far. It is reportedly the hardest hedge in Tyrone to maintain and has broken over 400 pairs of shears so far since it was grown in 1974.
All entries should be accompanied with a £6 postal order made payable to Tyrone Tribulations.
Castlederg Family At War After Zoom Quiz Question About Ulster Fry
A local West Tyrone priest has been asked to mediate in the escalating Lynch family war after a disagreement over whether beans should be in an Ulster Fry or not turned ugly.
The question, which asked participants to name as many ingredients in a traditional Ulster Fry as possible, was the last question to be asked due to the violent threats issued in its aftermath.
With all teams separated by one point going into the last round, allowing ‘beans’ as an answer would have resulted in a clear victory for John Lynch’s team but it was not allowed by the question master who was also John’s godfather and uncle.
“I knew that bollocks had set me up. Beans are one of my favourite food stuffs and I’d pour them over the whole fry and he well knows it. Sure his wife, my aunt, used to ask me if I wanted a fry with my beans. This isn’t over.”
The local parish priest was called in the early hours of Saturday morning after three Lynch families were spotted openly brawling on the Kilclean Road amidst a volley of bad language including ‘you know where you can stick your f**kin mushrooms”.
Various leaders within the county have asked families to proofread and adjust any controversial questions in future.
We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Tyrone Council Launch Bid To Find At Least 3 Decent Looking Males To Join County Breeding Programme
Typical Tyrone man, happy.
Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes.
Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.
Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.
Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:
“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”
Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.
Tattyreagh Dog Mistakenly Reverses And Does Donuts In Owner’s Car For Three Hours
A Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed.
9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.
Patsy McGoldrick added:
“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”
It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself.
Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.
PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.
Urney Man Told To Stop Breathing Heavily/Nose-Whistling By Wife
An Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off.
Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:
I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”
Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.
In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.
Tyrone Tourism Board To Appeal New Oxford Dictionary Word For A Collection Of Tyrone People
A Depravity of Tyronians
The Oxford English Dictionary have braced themselves for a furious backlash as their new additions for collective nouns managed to upset most of Tyrone and a good part of Derry and Armagh.
The Tyrone Tourism Board are adamant that they will not accept the new term ‘a depravity of Tyronians‘ as an official description for a ‘group of Tyrone people casually walking about‘ as described in the 2019 Oxford dictionary.
Additionally, Derry have promised to help Tyrone fight the new descriptions after they themselves were labelled ‘an abomination of Derry folk‘ which was reportedly an upgrade on their previous collective noun of ‘a shower‘ which was used in last year’s edition.
Tyrone Tourist Board Secretary Dominic O’Donkal added:
How ‘n’ under God did they come up with a depravity of Tyrone ones? They say they did their research in Strabane but that’s just shabby work. I feel for Derry too. A shower of Derry people seemed appropriate enough. I don’t know why they changed it. We’ll fight this.”
Armagh have yet to comment on their new collective noun of ‘a nuisance‘.
Meanwhile, for the 300th year running, the Oxford English Dictionary team have rejected another application from the county to have the word ‘bollocks’ defined as ‘a person who talks nonsense’ added to their list.
Shock As Early Drawing Confirms St Patrick Liked Beans With His Fry
Violent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it.
The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.
Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:
“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”
However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:
That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”
Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.
Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.
PSNI Want To Speak To Irish UFO For Speeding Offences
How it may have looked over Plumbridge
Following the news that a possible UFO was spotted off the coast of Kerry before heading north, PSNI have confirmed that they would like to speak to the driver or drivers of the vehicle for multiple motoring offences.
The list of misdemeanours include failure to stop at traffic lights, several speed limit offences, failure to hold a legitimate driving licence and lack of MOT certificate.
Despite having no concrete footage of the offences, PSNI motoring officer Barry Garlow is adamant that they’ll have enough anecdotal evidence to make a fortune for the police force in penalties and fines:
“We have the audio from several pilots who were in the air at the time. The UFO definitely flew over Strabane on its way north and probably onto another galaxy. It’s only a matter of time before their reckless disregard for rules of the road ends in tragedy. We just want one of them to come forward and turn themselves in to PSNI Strabane at 23 Bowling Green Road. To delay will only make it worse.”
An Garda Síochána admitted they are monitoring the situation at present but currently state they will not seek contact for the recent incident as they’re not sure themselves about speed limits on country roads.
November’s Letter/Fan Mail Page
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
DEAR MARIE
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
DEAR NOLEEN,
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
DEAR LIAM,
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
DEAR STEPHEN
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
DEAR LEO,
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
DEAR BILLY,
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .
81% of GAA Refs Do Need Glasses Confirms Strabane Optometrist
An experienced West Tyrone optometrist has confirmed what thousands of spectators have been saying for years; over four-fifths of referees need some form of eye enhancement, with many unable to see anything over ten yards ahead of them.
Although the news has caused some concern for officials, many supporters have developed a new-found respect for the man in the middle, with the realisation that they have been calling some correct decisions during matches even though they hadn’t a notion what was happening.
Referee assessor Paddy Horgan agreed:
“We’re amazed that they get anything right. So, fair play to them. Some refs’ eyesight is that bad that they get into the wrong car after a game. How they make it home is another miracle.
The Tyrone County Board have agreed to charge match-goers an extra pound during next year’s league and championship games which will go towards buying over 3000 pairs of binned National Health glasses for referees in the county in 2019.
Joey Mackle, a Moy entrepreneur, has patented an elastic band which will be attached to the legs of the glasses and wound around the back of the referee’s head. The bands will come in different sizes to cater for different sizes of heads.
Meanwhile, umpires have asked for similar glasses for next year. The county board will ask Mackle to look into making glasses with wipers for umpires who tend to look up a lot more. This can be difficult on rainy days or when there are a lot of birds about.
A5 Dualling Derry to Aughnacloy Road To Cut Travel Time To America By At Least An Hour
People travelling through Aughnacloy from Derry to Dublin to get the plane to America were today said to be extremely ecstatic at the news that work will start early next year on the first stage of a new A5 dual carriageway .
The big road, which should begin construction over 10 years after it was first agreed to proceed with the plan, will be made of tarmac and should shave an hour off the journey to the capital.
It has already emerged that the first tea break will last over 3 hours as the expected forecast for Derry in February 2018 is heavy rain with a touch of sleet.
Local Ballygawley road-building expert Sammy McGinn admitted he was annoyed at the prospect of not working on the carriageway:
“They reckon it’ll cost over a billion pounds to build the thing. I could have done it for a 5-figure sum over the space of 2 weekends. Sure they’ve already spent £70m on it and not a finger lifted. That’s some tea-break.”
Despite McGinn’s reservations, a spate of flights have already been booked to America by residents of Omagh and Strabane even though it’ll probably not be finished till 2020.
A travel agent in Strabane has taken out an inaccurate ad, boasting ‘get til America in an hour less than ones from Belfast going to Dublin’. A 15-people queue had formed outside the shop by 10am this morning.
Resistance To Antibiotics Sees Doctors Telling Patients To F**k Away Off
Soon after a report by a chief medical officer who warned of a “post-antibiotic apocalypse” due to a natural resistance to the medication, it has emerged that doctors have attempted to address the problem themselves by giving blunt and accurate advice to complaining patients.
Hundreds of barely-ill members in various surgeries across the county have been seen leaving medical establishments in tears after being told to ‘f**k away off’ by doctors determined to raise the effect of antibiotics in years to come.
Two sisters from Fintona, Mary (68) and Ellen (66) Quinn, explained how they were recently dismissed from their local surgery with a barrage of abuse ringing in their ears:
“We were both suffering from mild throat irritations and were hoping for a short blast of an antibiotic to clear it. Dr Johnson took us in and after a few polite comments he looked down both our throats. He walked back to his seat, scratched his chin, and said ‘yiz can f**k away off now and drink some water’. We left in floods of tears. There’s surely a better way of dealing with this crisis.”
Similar stories were being regaled across the county, with an elderly man in Strabane told by his doctor never to darken the door of his surgery again after asking for an antibiotic for an ear infection. The offended man torched his doctor’s car later that evening.
A surgery in Dungannon was picketed today after one of its doctors gave a patient, who was complaining of a nasal blockage, a banana and a glass of Lucozade. The one-man picket drew a blast of a car horn of support from three seperate cars.
Attendance At Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Homecoming In Coalisland Reaches 3 Million
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners
by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket
An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.
The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.
With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.
Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.
Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:
“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.
It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”
In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.
Strabane’s ‘New Age’ Christmas Tree Not A Hit
Tree-On-A-Pole
Despite hopes that a new approach for the traditional Christmas tree would catapult Strabane into a modern artistic stratosphere, public reaction to the unveiling of the 2016 ‘bare tree-on-a-pole’ was somewhat muted at a gathering last night.
The unveiling, which was carried out by an aspiring actor from the town who has already been an extra on Game of Thrones, received applause from three in attendance, with most simply shrugging their shoulders and heading off for a pint.
Designer Johnny McElharney, who has spent the last six years at an art college in England, was disappointed at the locals’ reluctance to buy into modern interpretations of Christmas decorations:
“They really are a shower of backwoodsmen. I spent six months designing this and trying to find the correct location for lighting and acoustic purposes. To do all that and then to hear ‘for fcuk sake’ when it’s unveiled is very disheartening. Strabane can go to fook in my book. What do they want?”
Local electrician and popular drinker Ciaran McBrennan from https://www.electricianinperth.com.au/ admitted he has tried to see the positives in the new design:
“I’ve looked at it from all sides. I’ve tried hard to imagine what McElharney has attempted to achieve here but it really is a load of bollocks. There are no lights or decorations on it. And I’m no backwoodsman. I eat spaghetti bolognese and watch Swedish detective shows.”
Strabane Council stated that although it’s not what people maybe expected to see, it was saving the council thousands on lights and baubles which will now be spent on a new slide for the middle of the town. They also called on Clady people not to laugh at it.
Tyrone Tribulations 