Soon after a report by a chief medical officer who warned of a “post-antibiotic apocalypse” due to a natural resistance to the medication, it has emerged that doctors have attempted to address the problem themselves by giving blunt and accurate advice to complaining patients.
Hundreds of barely-ill members in various surgeries across the county have been seen leaving medical establishments in tears after being told to ‘f**k away off’ by doctors determined to raise the effect of antibiotics in years to come.
Two sisters from Fintona, Mary (68) and Ellen (66) Quinn, explained how they were recently dismissed from their local surgery with a barrage of abuse ringing in their ears:
“We were both suffering from mild throat irritations and were hoping for a short blast of an antibiotic to clear it. Dr Johnson took us in and after a few polite comments he looked down both our throats. He walked back to his seat, scratched his chin, and said ‘yiz can f**k away off now and drink some water’. We left in floods of tears. There’s surely a better way of dealing with this crisis.”
Similar stories were being regaled across the county, with an elderly man in Strabane told by his doctor never to darken the door of his surgery again after asking for an antibiotic for an ear infection. The offended man torched his doctor’s car later that evening.
A surgery in Dungannon was picketed today after one of its doctors gave a patient, who was complaining of a nasal blockage, a banana and a glass of Lucozade. The one-man picket drew a blast of a car horn of support from three seperate cars.
A new Coalisland doctor has been asked to refer to his medical handbook in future when identifying ailments after a complaint from three patients who claim to have not slept in a week since their recent monthly visit.
Dr McSherry, who left his job mailing letters for the Coalisland Fianna GFC to pursue his dream in the medical field, recently told 88-year old Packie McGarrell that he was ‘bollocksed now’ after listening to his heartbeat through a stethoscope. This followed an earlier visit from his wife Sadie who was complaining of a sore bottom. She told us:
“He didn’t even check me out. He just took my temperature with the back of his hand and said ‘there’s fcuk all wrong with you’ and sent me away with a packet of Lockets and a box of scented tissues. I didn’t feel reassured at all.”
Packie, who simply attended to get his traditional free cup of tea and three Rich Tea biscuits, was shocked at his diagnosis:
“He just listened to my heart with a rickety oul stethoscope. I knew myself I had deadly wind but he thought the squeaks were coming from my heart and said ‘you’re bollocksed now, Packie’. He then told me to get my house in order and settle up any old debts. I’ve hardly slept since, what with passing wind and all.”
A third complaint came from 32-year old expectant mother Helena Campbell whose check-up left her tired and emotional. Campbell, who is 7 months on, is considering changing her GP to prevent any future stress:
“He just took a look at me when I sat down and told me that the way the child was positioned meant it’s more than likely to be a ‘hateful wee brat’ and ‘likely to be in the barracks by the time he’s 14, like his da’. How dare he!”
Dr McSherry refused to officially comment on the complaints but promised to use bigger words from now on and will lose his ‘Dr McSherry – He Tells It Like It Is‘ logo outside the surgery.
Pomeroy Village Council today kicked off a health awareness campaign urging people to stop being embarrassed and to start some plain-talking about their unwhisperables.
“Let’s get to the point”, said Danny Devlin, chairperson of the PVC. “We need to adopt an adult and common sense approach when it comes to health. People in Pomeroy might not like our blunt approach in discussing people’s arses and the like but we’re tackling it head-on. Definitely”.
Asked whether the campaign related specifically to any of the common health threats to adults such as piles or varicose veins, Devlin retorted,
“We can do without the potty-mouth thank you. There’s no place for smut in this campaign. Just honest, clear, unambiguous language about people’s bottom halves. People from the Rock are mad into talking about this stuff”.
However, some of the Council members are privately squeamish about the campaign. One who asked not to be named admitted:
“It’s tara. I mentioned it to someone at mass in Altmore on Sunday and he told me about a problem he’s got with his yoke. Jaysus, I nearly brought the breakfast up all over my trousers. I still feel the bad taste coming on just thinking about it. Does he expect me to be interested just because I’m a doctor?”
Launched with the slogan, ‘Is Everything Quare Down There?’ the campaign says that if people have any problems with their etceteras they should be open and talk to someone, as long as it isn’t anyone in the Council.
“There’s no point skirting round the issue. If someone has a problem with that there stuff down there, we need to discuss it graphically and openly. It’s the only way”, said Devlin, before hurrying off and vomiting into a ditch.
A once-respected Donaghmore family are refusing to engage in daily pleasantries in the village after their four-year-old son told his teacher about his future plans concerning employment and family. Toby Gallagher, who will be starting Donaghmore P.S. in September, was attending an induction day at the school when the Headmaster lined all the children up to ask them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Donaghmore, with its affluence and tendency to attract former landlords or those with aristocratic ancestors, appeared to have its fair quota of potential doctors, solicitors, barristers and lawyers which seemed to please the Master greatly. Little Toby Gallagher was last in line. Mr Toner, the P2 teacher, takes up the story:
“The silence was deafening. The Master had received twenty-five favourable answers to the question (one said he wished to be an accountant but he let that go) – probably the most promising batch we’d received in my time here – and with young Gallagher left it was looking like a clean-sweep. All heads turned to the lad as he jumped up onto the Master’s knee. Well, his answer will stay with us for a long time. He looked the Master in the eye and said, “I want to be the boy who sucks the shite clean out of the septic tank”. Well, you could’ve heard the thud from the mother hitting the ground. There was a muffled laugh from a couple of the P7s knocking about. It’s hard to see young Gallagher getting a place now. He said he wanted a husband too.”
It appears that the Gallaghers had been paid a visit the previous day by the man who normally does that job and young Gallagher was awestruck at the operation. Toby’s father, Paddy Gallagher OBE, attempted to salvage some respectability from the occasion by intimating that his young son was a great comedian but few appear to have accepted that explanation. The family are now considering moving to Pomeroy.
Long waiting times for all ailments at Clonoe surgery have forced many in the area to take matters into their own hands and perform DIY repairs on themselves. Although their crude methods of rectifying simple illness or sores has resulted in further complications, locals claim they’re better off this way instead of sitting in waiting rooms for up to two hours at a time. Patsy McCabe elaborated on the medical misfortunes that have plagued the East Tyrone townland in recent months.
“Some handlin. I had an ingrown toenail for weeks. Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see Dr Devlin and was sitting in that waiting room with people snattering and slabbering for two hours. I though ‘feck that’ and just upped and headed back to the garage. Whilst inside I fired up the blow-torch, took a slug of plum poitin and burned the bastard clean off the side of my foot. It was indescribable pain at the time but far better than sitting in that room for a couple of hours. The downside is a permanent limp and the bleeding hasn’t really subsided.”
McCabe’s methods have been adopted by many in the parish now with many not even phoning the surgery for advice or prescriptions. Josie Ferguson noticed that a wart on her little finger was getting bigger in recent months and was hindering her when mashing spuds or slapping children.
“Jaysus it was a hoor of a wart. I says to Mickey I can’t be bothered with it anymore and was going to phone the doctor. He stops me and says not to as the queues down there was scundering. He made me drink a bottle of sherry, clamped my hand to the table and shot the wart off with a small gun we keep for chasing badgers from the back door. To be honest, he shot the whole finger completely off and I was a bit pissed off initially when I came round after passing out in pain. But when I hear of the waiting lists I’m glad Mickey shot me. You soon get used to nine fingers and I’d have no hesitation shooting a wart off anyone, anywhere. Even a verruca”
Dr Devlin has implored the locals not to engage in any more DIY surgery as it wasn’t safe. He says it’s only a matter of time before appendix or gallstones are tackled by impatient sufferers.
Pomeroy professional funeral-wailer Denver Douglas has managed to get his life back to some semblance of normality after a terrible mix-up with his GP led to a rectum-cleaning marathon for the 66-year old. In what turned out to be a comedic/almost tragic turn of events, Douglas ended up in the clinic bent over after a short conversation about what he believed to be personal farming problems with Dr Devlin, the local GP since 1944.
“I was saying to the doctor that I was having cramps because the crop of strawberries was terrible this year. That bollox Devlin recommended irrigation and I thought he was talking about field drainage. Little did I know he was thinking of my bowels and sticking a hose up me to clane her out. I said I’d be on for that alright and he told me to call around tomorrow to the clinic for a chat about it.”
Things got out of hand when Dr Devlin ran at Douglas when he came in with a tranquilizing needle to sedate him in case he backed down.
“I thought I was there to see plans for a new drainage system. The next thing I knew I was bent over the desk with Devlin shoving a 20-inch garden hose up my passage and told the nurse to turn her up to the hilt. I was too far gone with the injection to resist. I didn’t like it. I was like that for 2 hours, dignity gone completely like. That nurse would be a niece of mine and she didn’t need to see that side of me.”
Despite the trauma, Douglas says he’s never felt better and apologises to Dr Devlin for shattering his left jaw in three pieces when he came round. He has promised to wail loudly at Devlin’s funeral, free of charge.