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Street Parties Commence In Coalisland For Elton John’s Wedding

Elton in his beloved Fianna outfit

Elton in his beloved Fianna outfit

The mood in Coalisland has been described as ‘joyous’ and ‘celebratory’ after news filtered through of Elton John’s marriage to his long-term partner David Furnish.

Locals also confirmed that a delegation from the town flew over to Berkshire, England to celebrate Elton’s big day by singing songs outside his mansion and to give him a gift from the people in the town – £3o worth of vouchers to be spent in Frank McGirr’s clothing and accessories store before May 2015.

The Elton John/Coalisland affiliation has been an open secret for years now after Elton revealed his song ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ was about the time he watched Coalisland Fianna GFC lose to Aghyaran in the 1981 Intermediate Final. Local historian and big Elton fan Ronnie McSherry added:

“Yes, Elton was gutted that day Aghyaran beat us. He was a big fan of the Blues and so combined his feeling of despondency with his love for the Fianna and came up with ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’ which we play before the start of every home game as well at the end of dances at the weekends. We love the man here. We wish Elton and David all the best.”

McSherry’s views were not widely held as a large proportion of the town’s prolific gay community admitted to feeling insanely jealous and singing ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ over and over. Tensions were said to be high this afternoon as members of the town’s hetrosexual community taunted them with renditions of ‘I Wanna Kiss The Bride’ outside the off-licence.

Local priest Fr Lyons has appealed for calm between the two factions but admitted that Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

Meanwhile, the road between Coalisland and Stewartstown has now reopened after the sighting of a ghost was confirmed as an on-the-run returning home for Christmas week.

Coalisland GP Told To Use Medical Diagnosis And Not Local Colloquialisms

Dr McSherry

Dr McSherry

A new Coalisland doctor has been asked to refer to his medical handbook in future when identifying ailments after a complaint from three patients who claim to have not slept in a week since their recent monthly visit.

Dr McSherry, who left his job mailing letters for the Coalisland Fianna GFC to pursue his dream in the medical field, recently told 88-year old Packie McGarrell that he was ‘bollocksed now’ after listening to his heartbeat through a stethoscope. This followed an earlier visit from his wife Sadie who was complaining of a sore bottom. She told us:

“He didn’t even check me out. He just took my temperature with the back of his hand and said ‘there’s fcuk all wrong with you’ and sent me away with a packet of Lockets and a box of scented tissues. I didn’t feel reassured at all.”

Packie, who simply attended to get his traditional free cup of tea and three Rich Tea biscuits, was shocked at his diagnosis:

“He just listened to my heart with a rickety oul stethoscope. I knew myself I had deadly wind but he thought the squeaks were coming from my heart and said ‘you’re bollocksed now, Packie’. He then told me to get my house in order and settle up any old debts. I’ve hardly slept since, what with passing wind and all.”

A third complaint came from 32-year old expectant mother Helena Campbell whose check-up left her tired and emotional. Campbell, who is 7 months on, is considering changing her GP to prevent any future stress:

“He just took a look at me when I sat down and told me that the way the child was positioned meant it’s more than likely to be a ‘hateful wee brat’ and ‘likely to be in the barracks by the time he’s 14, like his da’. How dare he!”

Dr McSherry refused to officially comment on the complaints but promised to use bigger words from now on and will lose his ‘Dr McSherry – He Tells It Like It Is‘ logo outside the surgery.

paul g moss

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