Monthly Archives: October 2018
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
Home owners in East Tyrone are said to be considering their options after a chilling message was sprayed on a house in Brocagh last night.
Up to 40 youths were reportedly witnessed hanging around the wall all day yesterday dressed up in early Halloween costumes. It appears that they intend on launching a 48-hour door to door trick or treat extravaganza and have warned adults not to even consider giving them fruit as a reward for knocking their door, or they will have their ‘bollix kicked in’.
Peader Quinn (49), who owns the house which was spray-painted on, is under no illusion as to why he was targeted:
“Last year I completely forgot to get sweets. Luckily I’d over a dozen bananas and rationed them out amongst trick or treaters. The next morning my garden was covered in banana peels. It was an obvious message.”
Quinn has advised locals to stay strong and not to give in to the demands of the community’s children.
“What next? Telling parents what they want for Christmas up to £1000? This is the thin end of the wedge.”
Quinn went on to blame Conor McGregor and the GAA for the threat.
Although police are unable to patrol the area, or want to, they have asked anyone getting a kicking to phone their helpline.
We are proud to release our 2018 Hallowe’en Tyrone GAA pumpkin carvings of current and past players. All our carvings were handmade by a group of experts in Quinn’s Corner last night.
You can get one for £9.99 or two for £20, free delivery. Email for details.
A county Tyrone television watcher has thrown the TV series Dr Who into disarray after he worked out that the outer dimensions of the TARDIS in no way matches up to its inner measurements.
Diarmuid Dieselin, who claims to have worked on the finer detail of this explosive revelation for more that five years, has already written to the BBC asking for an apology for 55 years of hoodwinking the audience.
“It’s a disgrace. The box is about nine feet tall, maybe three and a half feet wide and deep. Yet inside the TARDIS there are many rooms and chambers as well as a massive console room. Do they think we are idiots?”
Although the BBC have yet to comment on the news, sources close to the broadcaster have hinted that they might stall the current series to rebuild the TARDIS so that it looks more like a hotel or change the plots completely and just have one small table and two plastic chairs inside it.
Mr Dieselin is currently assessing the supposed speed of the TARDIS which currently traverses the time vortex and can rematerialise in any destination or time. Early indications suggest he’s not pleased with his findings.
An experienced West Tyrone optometrist has confirmed what thousands of spectators have been saying for years; over four-fifths of referees need some form of eye enhancement, with many unable to see anything over ten yards ahead of them.
Although the news has caused some concern for officials, many supporters have developed a new-found respect for the man in the middle, with the realisation that they have been calling some correct decisions during matches even though they hadn’t a notion what was happening.
Referee assessor Paddy Horgan agreed:
“We’re amazed that they get anything right. So, fair play to them. Some refs’ eyesight is that bad that they get into the wrong car after a game. How they make it home is another miracle.
The Tyrone County Board have agreed to charge match-goers an extra pound during next year’s league and championship games which will go towards buying over 3000 pairs of binned National Health glasses for referees in the county in 2019.
Joey Mackle, a Moy entrepreneur, has patented an elastic band which will be attached to the legs of the glasses and wound around the back of the referee’s head. The bands will come in different sizes to cater for different sizes of heads.
Meanwhile, umpires have asked for similar glasses for next year. The county board will ask Mackle to look into making glasses with wipers for umpires who tend to look up a lot more. This can be difficult on rainy days or when there are a lot of birds about.
News that Dennis Taylor was seen heading out of Landi’s this morning with a pastie supper and three tins of Lilt have sparked rumours that the snooker genius may have been a late call up to the Fianna squad for Sunday’s county final against Killyclogher.
The 69-year-old former World Champion played for the Tyrone county minors in the 1960s despite not being able to see the goalposts, the ball nor his feet, and has supposedly been spotted soloing up and down Annagher Hill under the blanket of midnight several times since Sunday.
However, Taylor’s inclusion at recent training sessions has not gone down well with some squad men who have been training all year.
An eyewitness added:
“There’s bad blood alright. Taylor is near 70 afterall and can hardly run. He was brutally shouldered into the wire three time last night. But it looks like he may start top of the left on Sunday and management hope his jovial friendly banter and knowledge of acute angles will see the Fianna over the line.”
Despite pleas by the Coalisland dietician to tone down his diet, Taylor allegedly finished off his Landi’s special by heading into McGlinchey’s for a cowboy supper and a cheesy chip.
Talk that Killyclogher have asked Steve Davis to mind the edge of the square has been rubbished as ‘just stupid talk’ by a friend of Mark Bradley.
Friends close to Joe Mahon maintain he is still refusing to speak about the episode spent around the Ardboe shoreline during the recording of his highly acclaimed Lough Neagh series.
Mahon, who is now reportedly addicted to eels, eating up to seven portions a day, was so shocked by what he saw around East Tyrone that he was unable to communicate with anyone for over three days.
So far, speculation is rife as to what Mahon witnessed with theories ranging from an Ardboe GFC in-house training session to half men-half fish roaming the ramparts. Mahon also apparently received a torrent of verbal abuse from the McMahons of the Washingbay for dropping the ‘Mc’ in his name so he could get a big job in UTV.
Meanwhile, producers of the show have denied that Mahon threatened to ‘poison the whole lough’ if he didn’t get a second series.
A grade three Under 10 friendly game between Naomh Apollo (Drumragh/Killyclogher) and Naomh Creed (Greencastle/Gortin) was abandoned yesterday after over 25 primary school children got involved in headlocks, fly-kicks and uppercuts five minutes after the throw-in.
The referee, James Cullen from Rousky, was taken to A&E in Enniskillen after he passed out due to a rear naked choke by the 9-year-old full forward on the Creed team.
Despite the unprecedented scenes of underage violence, the Tyrone County Board have blamed mobile phones for recording the scenes in the first place:
“It’s a fact that if there were no phones then the brawls wouldn’t happen. I’d never seen videos of violence on a GAA field on a mobile phone before mobiles were invented. So it’s obviously the fault of the phone owners and their proneness to recording stuff.”
Several of the U10s on both sides were questioned by youth leaders after the game, with the majority unaware that mass brawls weren’t a compulsory part of the sport.
14 players from Naomh Apollo also jumped the fence and started kicking their own friends and cousins, with one father set upon by his 8-year-old son. Mr Towell maintains that his son will definitely make it onto the club senior panel within eight years after this show of savagery at such a young age, and maybe even make county.
Tyrone GAA officials have called for calm heads at O’Neill Park in Dungannon this weekend during the latest instalment of the deadly rivalry between near neighbours Coalisland and Edendork.
The appeal comes ahead of the senior semi-final, after a spate of rows broke out along the Coalisland Road this week over the size of their graveyards.
PSNI confirmed a ‘slapping session’ on the Bush Road junction and two ‘hammerings’ in Derryvale yesterday after hordes of Edendork lads arrived in Coalisland with photographic evidence of more than 4000 hidden graves in another adjoining field behind St Malachy’s Church.
The additional 4000 bodies would take Edendork to a figure which would see them overtake Coalisland by some 398 corpses.
Reports suggest that, drunk on pride, the Dork lads set about wrecking the ‘Island, chanting ‘we’ve more dead ones than you‘ and other stuff like that. Unconfirmed reports suggested that a plan to annex Landi’s was halted by authorities and two men wearing Fianna Bainisteoir hi-vis bibs.
Fr Ted Talbot, a Coalisland native now stationed in Uganda and famed graveyard historian, dismisses Edendork’s claims:
“It’s ridiculous. There’s no way the Dork have a bigger graveyard than us. They tried this carry on before an Intermediate quarter-final in the 70s between us when they said their bingo hall was bigger than our Parochial Centre. God forgive me, but they’re full of shite.”
Patrons attending this weekend’s match are advised not to bring any valuables to the ground as a spate of daylight robberies have blighted recent championship games.
In unrelated news, Edendork’s bid to have the oldest living man in Ireland awarded by the Guinness Book of Records was rejected earlier this week as their ruling-committee unsurprisingly decided that a 120 year old is not the same as two 60-year-old Hackett twins.
A Moortown fitter has pledged to fight a £300 on the spot penalty after he was caught wearing a pair of illegal red Diesel jeans on the Battery Road near Derrychrin.
Gerry Quinn (54) admitted being on the road for ten minutes trying to retrieve his trusty dog Clint who had run off after a bitch from across the field.
“I only wear the red Diesels around the farm normally. I know the rules. This was a one-off but it just happened that a jeans dipper was on patrol that day. £300 is very stiff for a first time offence. I’d no time to change into the clear chinos because Clint would have been away with that bitch for days.”
Diesel jeans have come under severe scrutiny recently because of their damaging effect on the environment and on fashion in general in the East Tyrone area. Red Diesel jeans are allowed only on private farmland or at ploughing championships and barn dances at night.
Although Mr Quinn hopes to win this landmark challenge against the Jeans Dippers, it is expected to fail after a similar case was defeated in 2017 when a Brocagh farmer was fined in Dungannon for wearing a checked shirt to the bank with all the buttons unopened apart from the bottom one.