The news that Ryan McMenamin has been drafted into the Fermanagh Seniors backroom team has reportedly sparked fear and wonderment within the Erne squad with many young players deciding to remain solely playing club football for another year to ‘build themselves up a bit’.
A leaked document shows how McMenamin wowed the interviewing panel with details on how he aims to get a job at Quinn’s Cement and bring some of the stuff in his pockets to training and slip in into their drinks to ‘harden them up a bit’.
The 5-point plan also detailed an adventurous training regime which included a requisition for 20 O’Neills size 5s, 20 cones, 10 red bibs, 10 yellow bibs and 6 Rottweilers.
A Fermanagh insider added:
“We’ve had seven lads remove themselves from the WhatsApp group. Some claim to have injuries that’ll need a year to clear up. Others state they’re giving the club their all in the coming 12 months. The Ricey Effect we’re calling it. Looks like we’re left with just psychos on the panel.”
Another method on the detailed document explained how McMenamin aims to take night classes in the county which involves modules such as ‘memorising the phone book’ and ‘tickling’.
Meanwhile, Cathal McCarron’s county mileage expenses for next year has reportedly resulted in a portion of Garvaghey being sold to KFC.
US intelligence officials, who this week released more than 100 documents seized four years ago in the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, revealed he possessed a fascination with Tyrone GAA as well as reading works by Islamist thinkers but also English language books by authors like Noam Chomsky and Bob Woodward.
The news of the secret Red-Hand library stash comes in the wake of over 200 complaints made to PSNI officials by locals regarding the amount of men in suits with American accents walking around Tyrone whilst talking up their sleeves.
The US Photo Agency leaked a picture of his library which showed copies of ‘The History of Dromore GFC’, ‘The GAA in Tyrone’, ‘Ryan McMenamin – Baring My Teeth’, ‘This Secret History of Lough Neagh’ and ‘Malachi Cush – The Sweet Sound of Success’.
Speaking to a limited press gathering, US Marshall Nelson Power added:
“As well as dozens of cuttings from newspapers and magazines, again largely about al-Qaida, supplementing the more academic reading, Bin Laden appeared to have been fixated with Tyrone people and what drives them to success. We’re looking into this ourselves as we were expecting an extensive Derry collection, especially from around Maghera and Dungiven, or even South Armagh.”
Unconfirmed Rumours have emerged since claiming Bin Laden kept a Tyrone jersey from 2003 under his bed which had the WJ Dolan lettering well worn suggesting he has used it a lot, maybe for kick-arounds outside his compound during quiet periods.
A video also shows Bin Laden laughing and roaring at his small TV which appears to be showing Datsun Donaghy’s ‘How I Won The Sam Maguire’.
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.
Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.
A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.
“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”
Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.
Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:
“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”
It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.
Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.
Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
The phenomenon of nominative determinism – which describes the increased likelihood of choosing a profession as a result of being born to a particular surname – is currently being studied to see if location also has an impact on adult career choices.
A Tyrone Tribulations envoy met with Professor Johnny Pointless and his students at Oxford University’s sociology department, and hoped to prove that none other than our very own County Tyrone has the highest incidence of name-sake related jobs.
“It has long since been held that there is a strong link between one’s family name and the professional path people choose in life” professor Pointless told us, “even back to Shakespearean times. A look at some of the Co. Tyrone examples are quite remarkable, if true.”
Examples discussed included world famous golfer Darren Clarke, who spent his early years as a junior bookkeeper, training to be an accountant with a Dungannon firm. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods et al, Clarke decided in his early 20s that he wanted to explore another field.
Another Tyrone example was that Dennis Taylor had been a clothing alterations specialist at a formal dress-hire company in Dungannon. Taylor finally got fed up measuring lads for their school formals, and taking up trousers, so he decided to head for the dole queue. Soon he bridged the gap between Ireland and England, pocketing a fortune over the years.
Taylor did always however maintain contact with his protégé, local tv and radio star Malachi Cush, who himself was an all-Ireland snooker and pool underage champion. This example of nominative determinism explains why Taylor’s trousers were always impeccable during snooker tournaments.
Tyrone Tribulations also informed the Oxford team of the two brothers from Derrylaughan who have been running a very successful ‘Sahara animal trekking experience’ tour business along the romantic shores of Lough Neagh.
Following from their popularity, ‘Camel’s Riding School’ looks set to open for local kids parties this coming September. While Oxford pointed there were “parochial pronunciation issues at play” (Campbell versus Camel) this still did in fact qualify as a case where one’s surname had an influence on their paid profession.
Post and present Tyrone senior footballers and great friends Darren McCurry and Ryan (Ricey) McMenamin are opening a chain of Chinese takeaway restaurants in Dromore, with half and half a discounted special. This, also we are told, does qualify.
Other examples we raised with the team included former footballing greats such as Mickey Coleman, who has decided to put down his guitar and has stocked up on household fuels for the winter months. Chris and Stevie Lawn have obtained a franchise for a gardening firm and are presently seeking contracts round Moortown and Ardboe.
Former last gasp saviour and ‘keeper, John Devine is rumoured to be down in Maynooth in the early stages of becoming a deacon which was also accepted within the guidelines set primarily by the dictionary.
Stevie O’Neill being ‘a deadly man on a size five ball’ is not something the panel would accept at this stage, although we have arranged they be flown over to the next Clann na Gael training session to help reverse their decision on the 2005 Footballer of the year.
When we informed them of a postman in Coalisland called Pat, researchers confirmed that this was just an amusing coincidence and didn’t really qualify as nominative determinism. Also Mickey Harte, being universally loved all around the County, was “a totally separate matter… maybe if he was a surgeon or something” stated Pointless… little does he know we told him.
Following recent reports in the Irish News that proud gay boxing champion, and great fella, Junior Quinn from Clonoe wanted to be called ‘Queen’ again, Oxford’s boffins ruled this was just a pronunciation issue, “and again totally different to what we have been telling you all day.”
Also mentioned was Big Willie Anderson the Dungannon and Ireland rugby great who we said has tried to dismiss talk of some 1980s videotapes he made. Added to the disappointment that we could not produce the tapes, Pointless and his team indicated it would not have been counted anyway as Willie is a Christian name, not his family name, and ‘Big’ is an endearing term for the man because he is so well liked around his town.
While we await the final outcome to be announced, it can be confirmed that Tyrone is in the final two areas being reviewed. Also in the running are the Choctaw Indians of the USA, who actually do include an awful lot of real Indians.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.