Blog Archives
New ‘Corner Boy’ Course Unveiled At Loughmuck
Loughmuck Institute of Advanced Anthropology (LIIA) once again surged ahead of the curve in unveiling a new range of vocational and academic courses: ‘Corner Boying in the 21st Century’.
“These courses offer the chance to study the ancient art of Corner Boying and to evaluate its place within our culture. Graduates either become Corner Boys themselves or work in the conservation, promotion, maintenance and rehabilitation of Corner Boys who are already in the field at this time”.
“That is exactly the type of closed-mindedness this course seeks to remedy. Corner Boys don’t stand in fields. They stand on corners in towns and villages and on road-sides and sometimes beside gates. Corner Boys are an ancient band of brothers and sisters who watch over our communities selflessly and ceaselessly…they’re the very fabric of our society yet no one is doing anything to address their startling decline or to defend them against the ridicule and contempt they face every single day”.
“Why wouldn’t they? Some people just aren’t cut out for sitting in an office watching the internet all day pretending to do work…work that no one understands and that doesn’t need to get done. Some people feel the call of the wild, the call of the corner”.
“I Can’t Believe I Was So Stupid” Says Recently Married Groom
An Omagh barman is considering filing for divorce one week after ‘the happiest day of his life‘ and has urged all men not to make the same mistakes he did during his courtship phase.
Kevin Donnellan (55), who married his partner after 18 months of romancing, arrived home from work on his first day back at Hoody’s Pub only to find his new bride on her second bottle of vodka with her false teeth sitting on the table beside her, singing sorrowful songs about emigration to America.
“Not only did I not know she drank, I wasn’t aware she didn’t have her own teeth. None of them. But she’s a deadly singer.”
Donnellan revealed it took more than 15 minutes for confirmation that the woman swaying on his settee was the woman he’d married a week ago.
“I noticed a scar she has on her shoulder from when she was bitten there by a mink when fishing near Drumragh in the 70s. I can’t believe I didn’t know she had false teeth. To be fair, I wouldn’t be deadly into the kissing but looking back now I remember hearing a constant clacking sound every time we were at the matinee in the cinema.”
The genial barman also believed his wife was a tee-totaler but also admits he rarely saw his wife-to-be after 6pm since they started courting:
“She told me she’d be deadly tired at 5pm so I’d leave her home and pick her up the next day around 1pm and right enough she always had dark sunglasses on her. I urge all lads to spend a few days with their wives before taking the plunge. You need to have a good look at her first thing in the morning.”
Donnellan has yet to decide whether or not to give up on the marriage at this early stage, adding that she still looked rightly with her teeth out for a 53 year old and if he could get her onto the whiskey it could be something they could share whilst singing about old rebellions and risings.
Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone
8:00am
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
8:33am
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
9:10am
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
9:19am
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
9:44am
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
10:10am
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
10:33am
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
10:35am
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
11:11am
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
12:03pm
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
12:45pm
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
12:59pm
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
1:34pm
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
1:59pm
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
2:33pm
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
2:48pm
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
3:12pm
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
4:22pm
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
4:57pm
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
5:33pm
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
5:34pm
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
5:49pm
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
6:23pm
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
6:33pm
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
6:55pm
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
7:05pm
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
7:47pm
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
8:00pm
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
8:23pm
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
8:33pm
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
8:56pm
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
8:57pm
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
8:58
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
8:59pm
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
9:00pm
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming
Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh
Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.
Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.
County official Kieran McNelis informed us:
“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”
Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:
“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”
The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.
Diary Of Drumragh Full Back To Rival Mulligan Book On Shelves. Exclusive Extracts.
An explosive ‘warts and all’ publication by a Drumragh footballer is predicted to wipe the floor with Owen Mulligan’s best-seller ‘Mugsy’ when it is released this weekend in a shop near Tattyreagh. Barney McLoughlin’s ‘ She’s Mine, Boys‘ tells the story of a season in the full back position for one of Tyrone’s most famous clubs against the backdrop of his attempts to win the heart of local farmer girl who’s only related really far out.
In a coup for Tyrone Tribulations, McLoughlin has allowed us access to his sensational autobiography and we are in a privileged position to leak a couple of mind-boggling extracts to our readers.
Jan 15th
FIRST DAY OF TRAINING
Holy Jaysus I did some vomiting there. The boss made us do 2 laps of the field followed by 100 star jumps. We’re not used to this modern hi-tech stuff so the lads are a bit suspicious of boss Maguire. ‘He’s tramping us into shite’ said captain Toner half way through the first lap. We grin and bear it anyway and what keeps me going is the thought that Mary will be in the house treating my da’s veruca in her nurse’s uniform. Even when I’m throwing up I’m thinking of her thick black hair that seems to merge into her skin around her neck, back and front.
March 18th
AWAY TO BROCAGH
Some bating we took. I think it was 4-23 to 1-1 although the referee gave them everything. We might appeal but the boss always says that. My man scored 4-10. On the way home we had some craic and captain Toner mooned out the window at Owen Mulligan in his garden in Cookstown. As luck would have it, Mugsy was mooning at the exact same time to the Tyrone management team so he completely missed us. Mooning is great and bonds us all together or so Captain Toner says. He takes his trousers off a lot come to think of it.
JULY 19th
CHAMPIONSHIP DAY
Took some hiding from Dungannon. I think my man scored 5-12 but I was hung out to dry by the corner backs. I was glad to get home and Mary was treating my father’s bunions. I didn’t know he had any so I’m a bit suspicious now as he’s not related at all to her. I will buy a cord jacket and impress her.
DECEMBER 24TH
LAST LEAGUE GAME
Took a hiding from Fintona. My man scored 3-11 and was taken off at half time. Didn’t finish bottom though and we’re delighted about that. Christmas tomorrow. We all sang Christmas songs in the showers. Captain Toner went a bit far though and gave half the side a personal rendition of Santa Baby, in the nude. Came home to give Mary her present. Wore my cord jacket. Daddy had lipstick all over his face……
The rest of this riveting autobiography ‘She’s Mine, Boys‘ can be purchased for £19.99 at two or three decent bookstores.
Tyrone MOT Inspectors The Richest In Europe
Figures released today indicate that MOT inspectors from various inspection garages across Tyrone are amongst the richest people in Europe, rivalling royalty, Formula One owners and international footballers in terms of take-home pay. The controversial statistics come as no surprise to car owners across the county as evidenced by their attitude towards MOT inspectors.
Paddy Hanna, a Brackaville kite-maker, told us:
“Sure couldn’t I have told you that myself. I was failed last week in the MOT centre in Cookstown for having a dirty wing mirror. I took it back yesterday having washed it and he failed me again for having a car park sticker on the wing mirror that was under the dirt last week. Theiving hoors.”
The Italian newspaper El Papar listed three MOT inspectors from Omagh in category 1, earning anything up to £2m a year after tax. Henry Davidson from Drumragh reckoned that was a conservative sum:
“It’s no secret that these men and women are taking backhanders. I see boys winking and bringing through fleets of old Lithuanian motors, and then handing over a brown envelope. The cars drive straight through and come out the other side within 5 seconds. No stopping. Just a line of continuous traffic. And there’s me watching my car getting jerked all over the shop and failing on an air freshener or something. We’re some mugs.”
The Tyrone MOT Union Rep said boys like Davidson need to be careful about making allegations like that about envelopes:
“We’re as clean as you can get. He has probably seen registrations documents passed over or lunches from mummies or something. We’re just tightening up on the whole dirt thing. Some of the cars knocking about are just balls of muck with an engine in it.”
The next richest group from the county were the water filter sellers from the 80s.
Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Galbally Rumour That 65-Year Old Starts Tomorrow For Tyrone Is “Pure Balls” Say Officials
Danny, this morning
Tyrone officials have scotched rumours that a Galbally 65-year old is to be a surprise inclusion in tomorrow’s team v Donegal, going as far as to say it was “pure balls”. The story that had been doing the rounds in Galbally and Kildress since the start of the week is that Danny Murphy had been called up to the panel because of his ‘long-kicking’ and ‘high-catching’ as well as being ‘crafty’. Murphy himself appears to have done little to rubbish the rumours by raising his eyebrows and saying ‘you never know’ whilst pretending to jog short distances around his garden. Local hedge-cutter, Tom Loughran, still thinks there’s something in it:
“Listen, there’s no smoke without fire. Danny was a deadly footballer in his day and once scored 0-4 from play against Drumragh in 1979, in their field! People say he scored 0-3 with his right leg and headed one over. It’s the stuff of legend around here and he’s never had to buy a pint since, and him a tee-totaller. I’d say Mickey Harte has been a bit worried about the young lads in his panel and has asked Danny to dig him out. I saw him at the sports day last year and he still has a deadly kick on him. There was a stray buck cat annoying people and he ran over and booted it over the pavillion. Wemen swooned.”
Tyrone officials though have played down the rumour and told us to “catch ourselves on” calling the rumour “the biggest pile of dung they’d ever heard”.
“Pure balls. Why the hell would Mickey draft in a 65-year old from Galbally and there’s Mugsy fixing fences with his togs on raring to go? Anyway, Danny’s blind in one eye and has a bad limp. This is just stupid. I’m putting the phone down.”
Danny has refused to confirm whether he’ll be running out onto the Ballybofey turf, simply telling us “when the seagulls follow the boat, it’s because they’d be thinking it’s the right way to go.”
Tyrone To Enter Guinness Book Of Records On Two Fronts Today
Tattyreagh Tart
County Tyrone is set to see its name added to the famous fact collection book today, not once but twice, if all goes to plan within the next few hours. The first prospective entrant concerns the horse ‘Tattyreagh Tart’ which entered the Grand National on April 6th. As a 200-1 outsider, Tattyreagh Tart wasn’t expected to feature in the shake-up and lived up to expectations after it stopped before the first fence to size it up before jumping after 45 mins of deliberation. Unfortunately that turned out to be the quickest attempt at a fence to date. 19 days later and Tattyreagh Tart is still running, or thinking rather. With one fence left to jump, Susie McGee’s horse is expected to finish the race some time today. The McGee family are at Aintree, alone, in the stands:
“It’ll be an emotional day. 19 days is a long time to finish a race but she’s a stubborn wee mare. Full credit does to jockey Michael Kelly from Drumragh who has remained on the girl all that time, eating and sleeping at opportune times. To get into the Book of Records is a bonus. She’s just a bit too much of a thinker. The run-in should be straight forward though Tattyreagh Tart has a habit of running sidewards so it might be a couple of hours yet.”
The second record-breaking event concerns a stand off at the mini-roundabout in Coalisland on the road out to Dungannon. At approximately 7pm yesterday evening, three cars arrived at the junction simultaneously, one coming from Edendork, one from Coalisland and one from the third road coming from the M1. By coincidence, all three drivers recently passed their full driving test, meaning they’re adhering strictly to the rules which state “give priority to traffic approaching from your right”. As all three wait for the traffic to their right to move, a stand-off has occurred which has now run into its 15th hour. Access in and out of Coalisland has been difficult with 122 incidences of road rage reported. The World Record is 17 hours of a standstill at a roundabout. Rumours suggest that Helena Thornton, driving a mini and coming from the Dungannon Road, may take a chance and make a mad dash for it.
All-Ireland Final – A View From Tyrone
Tyrone Tribulations took a tour around the country this morning to catch people just walking about. We asked them for their views on today’s All-Ireland final between Mayo and Donegal.
Are Tyrone definitely not in it? In that case I’ll be watching the Eastenders Omnibus. It hasn’t been the same since Peggy Mitchell left. She was some blade. Took no crap. Reminded me of Mickey Harte without the stubble. JAMES MCCANN, Drumragh
I’m going for Mayo. There’s something about McGuinness that unnerves me. Some say he looks like Jesus. I see the buckin devil. Those big thick eyebrows. His eyes are dead inside, like Jaws in Jaws 1 and 2. The wife’s fond of him but she also had a notion for Pete McGrath and Sean Boylan so it seems to be a management thing. I’ve applied for a management job at Moy Park. Maybe that’ll rekindle the romance. JOHN MOORE, Edendork
I couldn’t give two fooks. HENRY MCGUIGAN, Ardboe
Ah, I’ll be supporting Donegal. Them big strapping lads like Murphy and McFadden I could watch all day long. Young McHugh and Lacey mightn’t be as easy on the eye but sure look at the ugly fcukers we have in Tyrone. I’d tackle livestock before curtin a Tyrone man. JENNY ARCHER, Dungannon
And I’ll tell you another thing. Shove that microphone in my bake again and you’ll be pulling it out of your hole. Ye hear me? Now fook away aff. HENRY MCGUIGAN, Ardboe (again)
To tell you the truth I’ll not be watching it atall. I’d be big into the religion now and I don’t think people should be playing things are enjoying themselves on a Sunday. I’ve just come back from tying up all the swings in the local play park. God be with you. CECIL WINTERBOTTOM, Tullyhogue
Donegal – no doubt. I’ve seen enough from that day they met us earlier in the year. You shoulda seen the size of their teeth and ears. Their eyes bulged and they were at least 1-2 feet taller than our lads. Penrose looked like a gnome. I’m not saying they’re completely off their heads on steroids but there’s something they’re eating and we need the recipe. Some big mad fecking new spud or something. Donegal by 17 points. PETER RYAN, Omagh
Ach probably Mayo but here listen, were there any cops up the road? The bastards were dipping last night in Donemana I heard. GARY MULGREW, Loughmacrory
Tyrone Tribulations 