NASA have yet to confirm or deny rumours that their expensive Rosetta mission may not have been as successful as first thought after word filtered through of a ‘space-like probey thing’ which has landed in a graveyard in Moortown with the words ‘NASA’ on the side of it, even though NASA had nothing to do with it..
Suspicions were heightened in Washington after the first audio signal sent back by the Philae Probe included what appeared to include high-pitched sounds including a clearly heard ‘holy smokes’ and ‘ghost-oh boys’.
Chief mourner and gravestone cleaner Maggie Quinn is in no doubt that the probe is not 300 million miles away but a few thousand km from the American capital:
“Sure I saw it with my own eyes. This thing had been hovering above the graveyard since August and we just thought it was a number of things. Some suspected it was the police keeping an eye out for any lads still on the run returning for Graveyard Sunday. Others claimed it was the bru-man or even the TV licence shower. Today it came down gently enough and to be honest we were on the verge of kicking the dung out of it.”
NASA’s description of the landscape appear to match that of Moortown, describing the conditions as ‘hostile’ and ‘like nothing on earth’.
Mrs Quinn concluded:
“I hear they’re trying to find out if water exists where it landed. Well, if they give me the word I’ll houl it up and they’ll have a deadly view of the Lough from here. If there’s something we have, it’s water. But like, they could have looked us up on the Internet instead of spending a billion dollars to come here. But I suppose them taxi boys are rip-off merchants.”
Local PP Fr Hackett has asked locals to pray for the probe which has already been kicked and shot at with an air rifle.
In the wake of last week’s news of the security services in America listening in on phone calls throughout Europe, an international diplomatic investigation was sparked last night following a confession by a member of staff at the National Security Agency in Washington that he was instructed to secretly listen in on phone calls across County Tyrone.
“Gee, the guys were looking for a dude to secretly listen in to calls in County Teerone, and man, I guess I was the fall guy right from the get-go, being Irish an’ all”, said 28-year old Brent McRobertson. “My great great great great grand neighbour once went to somewhere near Ireland on vacation, so I guess that means I got the Irish blood in me. Anyways, I was listenin’ to all these calls, and seriously, these Teerone guys are crazy. They had all this talk of suckin’ diesel, and I was like, whoa, time check guys! No wonder they’re so unhealthy. That stuff is way disgusting”.
McRobertson said that he initially heard guttural barking and growling noises on the phone, which he initially believed was either interference from a local zoo or satellite disruption, but which subsequently turned out to be two brothers from Augher chatting to each other on the phone. In another phonecall from the Clady area, McRobertson said he overheard death threats being made.
“It was givin’ me the jeepers, man. These guys kept saying they were going to ‘kill Eeshil’ on Friday night, and that they were gonna take a couple of ‘owl blades’ with them. Is an owl blade some sorta bad-ass weapon? Aw man, it sounded like something bad was goin’ down. And who’s Eeshil? Is he some kinda gang leader? That dude’s gonna be history, period”.
McRobertson admitted that despite his Irish credentials he was not completely familiar with some of the local vernacular.
“What’s a ‘buckenbrolly’? Phone call after phone call folks kept talking about ‘that buckenbrolly’, and they were calling it a ‘clift’ which I think means cliff. Is it a place or some sort of geological feature? I tried to find out more on this local social networking site called ‘Slabber’, but it was the pits man”.
One of McRobertson’s colleagues spent an hour on the phone listening to a high-pitched screeching which was later identified as two women from Drumquin arguing about their favourite Nathan Carter track. He was later diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and had to receive extensive counselling.
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
Loughmacrory resident Sean Gormley from the Ballybrack Road is on a mission to claim the pop star Justin Timberlake as a bona fide son of Loughmacrory, despite strenuous denials from the singer himself.
“Everyone gets his name wrong. It’s Justin Timlin, and he’s Irish through and through. He keeps saying he comes from Memphis in Tennessee. It’s ridiculous, when everyone knows fine well he’s from the Loughmacrory Road”.
The singer, who has had acclaimed hits with ‘Cry Me A River’ and ‘Sexyback’ released a statement through his solicitor saying that he and his family can prove for the last 150 years that they were born and raised in Memphis, that Gormley should desist from pestering him and that an injunction against Gormley was currently sitting with his lawyers in Washington.
“Sure, that just proves the point” insists Gormley. “Why is he denying his birthright? Is he ashamed of Tyrone? We all know that river song was about the Lough itself. Come home Justin. You belong right here in Loughmacrory. We’ll show you a deadly night out. You can play your guitar and tunes all you want in Daly’s. They have mighty sessions there on a Friday”.
Gormley claims the Timlins were originally farmers to the north west of Loughmacrory before going to Italy for a week’s holiday in the 80s and coming back all “la-di-dah” and subsequently moving to Tennessee.
“I mind Justin when he was a wee cub on the back of his dad’s John Deere on the way to the Lough Chippy on a Saturday evening. He’s grown up into some chanter. If he just mans up and admits he’s from Loughmacrory we can claim him as Ireland’s answer to Van Morrison,” maintained Gormley.
Gormley is also looking into rumours Beyonce might have a bit of Tattyreagh in her.