A Castlederg man who spent a weekend on holiday in New York returned to his home in Kilclean Road with a virtually incomprehensible American accent, much to the annoyance of his friends and family. 24 year old Brendan Deeney went out to join his brother Declan who lives in Bayridge, Brooklyn, to help his brother celebrate his stag weekend in Manhattan, New York City, over three days. He returned on Monday with what appeared to be a strong American accent.
“Aw men, what accent?” asked a puzzled Deeney. “Seriously, what is it with these guys? I got home Saturday from an awesome time with my bro in NY. I mean, it was a cool party an’ all, but then as soon as I got back my mom was on my case from the get-go. I mean, enough already”.
“He’s a feckin’ idiot” said his mother, Aileen Deeney, clearly irritated by the whole episode.
“He’s never been further than the other side of Enniskillen, and now he’s waltzing around the place like he’s Tom Cruise or Van Morrison or Bill Gates or something. He came down from his room on Tuesday saying he wanted a bag of ‘potato chips’. Potato chips! I’ll give him feckin’ potato chips all right, right in his feckin’ American piehole”.
Deeney confirmed his mother had appeared unhappy with his behaviour.
“Yeah, mom was freakin’ out and I was like, ‘hey mom, that’s totally not cool’, but she was like ‘talk to the hand’. I mean seriously”.
Deeney fared no better when spending the following Saturday evening with his friends in McHale’s pub in Castlederg.
“I went out to the bar to hang out and shoot the breeze with my homies and it was even worse, can you believe that shit? I went to the john and when I came back they were all laughing an’ all an’ takin’ the crap out of me. These guys really got on my tooshie. What’s changed? Nuthin’s changed. I’m still the same Joe Blow I always was”.
Deeney said that he intends to go with his friends to the “soccer next Saturday but might take a rain check”. His friends have confirmed that if he still has the accent by this weekend they will “kick his ass all the way to Fintona. Period”.
Loughmacrory resident Sean Gormley from the Ballybrack Road is on a mission to claim the pop star Justin Timberlake as a bona fide son of Loughmacrory, despite strenuous denials from the singer himself.
“Everyone gets his name wrong. It’s Justin Timlin, and he’s Irish through and through. He keeps saying he comes from Memphis in Tennessee. It’s ridiculous, when everyone knows fine well he’s from the Loughmacrory Road”.
The singer, who has had acclaimed hits with ‘Cry Me A River’ and ‘Sexyback’ released a statement through his solicitor saying that he and his family can prove for the last 150 years that they were born and raised in Memphis, that Gormley should desist from pestering him and that an injunction against Gormley was currently sitting with his lawyers in Washington.
“Sure, that just proves the point” insists Gormley. “Why is he denying his birthright? Is he ashamed of Tyrone? We all know that river song was about the Lough itself. Come home Justin. You belong right here in Loughmacrory. We’ll show you a deadly night out. You can play your guitar and tunes all you want in Daly’s. They have mighty sessions there on a Friday”.
Gormley claims the Timlins were originally farmers to the north west of Loughmacrory before going to Italy for a week’s holiday in the 80s and coming back all “la-di-dah” and subsequently moving to Tennessee.
“I mind Justin when he was a wee cub on the back of his dad’s John Deere on the way to the Lough Chippy on a Saturday evening. He’s grown up into some chanter. If he just mans up and admits he’s from Loughmacrory we can claim him as Ireland’s answer to Van Morrison,” maintained Gormley.
Gormley is also looking into rumours Beyonce might have a bit of Tattyreagh in her.