Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
Twerking, Or Arse-Dancing, Banned At Tyrone Dances
A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.
Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:
“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.
Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:
“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”
Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.
Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.
Bono Spotted In Beragh. Speculation Rife.
Beragh has been awash with theories today as to why Bono has apparently moved there with speculation that it’s a charity initiative gone wrong the most probable reason. The U2 frontman has been spotted dandering around the village and country lanes patting children on the head and crying whilst humming sad songs that haven’t been written yet.
Local joiner Paddy Grimes reckons he’s sure why the sun-glassed millionaire has moved to the area:
“The oul eejit thinks this is Bosnia or Baghdad or something like that and is here on some kind of humanitarian mission. Beragh might be finding it tough in this recession but Jaysus it’s not that bad like. The Costcutters have been charging £1.50 for a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed but that’s hardly good enough reason for a full scale disaster appeal. I wonder is Sting coming too.”
Others do not share Grimes’ thinking. Paula Agnew thinks it’s a much more sinister development:
“Even the dogs in the street know that Beragh’s the epicentre for dirty diesel, cheap fags and benefit fraud. This Bono boy isn’t behind the door when it comes to financial hoodwinkery and I think he’s crying to sneakily merge himself in to the Beragh culture. I saw him at the Beragh game against Loughmacrory last week and he was watching the corner backs closely. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Dub togs out next week. Can’t be any worse than we have though.”
With the Beragh Manure Matrix on next week, others are suggesting he’s after the pure bred limousine – the prize if anyone can guess where the heifer will dung on the field. Sean Collins is sure he’s sussing out the competition:
“That’s what it is. He’s after the cattle, the bollix. Well, for all his millions he’s still only allowed to pick one square. If he wins fair enough. If not, he can head back to America or Gibraltar after singing maybe two or three songs.”
Bookies are siding with Grimes and believe he’s here to sound out a benefit concert, with Sting, Beyonce, Malachi Cush and Tom Jones joining him for the big day. This morning he was witnessed giving brown money to children playing iPads in the park. The Edge has not been spotted yet.
Clogher’s New Lap Dancing Bar ‘Needs A Few Changes’, Admits Owner
The owner of a new lap dancing establishment in Clogher admitted after its opening night on Friday that it needs more work to make it a success.
The controversial ‘Eye Candy Gentlemen’s Club’, based in Main Street in Clogher, opened on Friday to considerable criticism from customers. Owner, manager, and borderline pervert Seasamh Mallon agreed that there were a number of issues that needed work, and in particular the two dancers employed by the club, one of which was Kitty McVeigh of Crossowen Road.
“Old Kitty did her best, bless her” said an apologetic Mallon. “She was up on the Eye Candy stage doing a nice wee slip jig, and all thon boys were chanting ‘get them out, get them out’, getting louder and angrier. To be fair to Kitty she obliged, but I don’t think she realised they weren’t talking about her teeth”. Matters took a turn for the worse as the men became more and more insistent. “It could have got ugly, I have to tell you”, said Mallon. “Them boys wanted flesh and weren’t leaving until they had got some. Thank god they calmed down a bit when Kitty eventually undid the top toggle of her duffel coat”.
A customer, who didn’t want to give his name said,
“It was dung. I knew something was dodgy when the sign said it 50p a dance, or 25p plus a bag of boiled sweets. And she had a face like a welder’s bench. ‘Eye Candy’? ‘Eye Cabbage’ more like”.
The club fared no better with the club’s other dancer, Peggy Hagan, of no fixed abode. Mallon commented,
“It was a bit of an eye-opener when she started dancing to Beyoncé’s ‘All The Single Ladies’, but it can’t be easy when you’ve just had both your hips replaced”. He continued, “The lads were starting to get into it but when she was unrolling one of her surgical stockings, her back went and she couldn’t straighten up. She’d have couped right off the front of the stage if she hadn’t been holding onto her zimmer frame”.
A furious customer who also asked not to be named, ranted,
“Feckin’ disgrace. I was expecting a clatter of young wemin, not a couple of feckin’ 70 year olds. I had taken along a big bag of 10 pence pieces and barely spent half of it. And if you ask me 50 feckin’ pence a feckin’ dance is a bit steep for the likes of me, especially when dues every Sunday are in decline. How do they expect a priest to be able to afford that sort of feckin’ money? And they didn’t even accept Nectar points. Feckers”.
Tyrone Man Claims Timberlake as ‘Loughmacrory’s Own’
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Loughmacrory resident Sean Gormley from the Ballybrack Road is on a mission to claim the pop star Justin Timberlake as a bona fide son of Loughmacrory, despite strenuous denials from the singer himself.
“Everyone gets his name wrong. It’s Justin Timlin, and he’s Irish through and through. He keeps saying he comes from Memphis in Tennessee. It’s ridiculous, when everyone knows fine well he’s from the Loughmacrory Road”.
The singer, who has had acclaimed hits with ‘Cry Me A River’ and ‘Sexyback’ released a statement through his solicitor saying that he and his family can prove for the last 150 years that they were born and raised in Memphis, that Gormley should desist from pestering him and that an injunction against Gormley was currently sitting with his lawyers in Washington.
“Sure, that just proves the point” insists Gormley. “Why is he denying his birthright? Is he ashamed of Tyrone? We all know that river song was about the Lough itself. Come home Justin. You belong right here in Loughmacrory. We’ll show you a deadly night out. You can play your guitar and tunes all you want in Daly’s. They have mighty sessions there on a Friday”.
Gormley claims the Timlins were originally farmers to the north west of Loughmacrory before going to Italy for a week’s holiday in the 80s and coming back all “la-di-dah” and subsequently moving to Tennessee.
“I mind Justin when he was a wee cub on the back of his dad’s John Deere on the way to the Lough Chippy on a Saturday evening. He’s grown up into some chanter. If he just mans up and admits he’s from Loughmacrory we can claim him as Ireland’s answer to Van Morrison,” maintained Gormley.
Gormley is also looking into rumours Beyonce might have a bit of Tattyreagh in her.