The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably.
The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:
“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow. Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”
In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.
A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.
The current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal.
The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.
Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.
Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:
“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”
Conspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.
The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.
Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.
Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:
“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”
Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:
“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”
McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.
Omagh Building And Construction Limited have confirmed they have sacked the first employee to join their firm since its inception five years ago.
Gary Molloy, a 23 year old Queen’s University graduate in Architectural Engineering from Tattyreagh, was handed the reins for a new flagship estate to be built in the outskirts of Omagh called Acorn Grove which was to signal the first major housing development in the country since the banking collapse.
Company CEO Johnny Ore explained their decision:
“It was a bit of a shock. At the lunchtime unveiling of the supposed hi-tech design estate which was attended by MLAs and any hobnob within a 50-mile radius, our man pulled out an Xbox and started showing us around his ‘world’ on a big screen. The penny didn’t drop until he started fighting off zombies and skeletons with bow and arrows and killing pigs and cattle for food. It was quite embarrassing. Young ones nowadays are not really getting the thick line between fact and fiction. On the plus side, the food was great. Full marks to Sallys and their corn beef sandwiches.”
A despondent Molloy remains defiant that he’ll crack the virtual market yet:
“Tyrone is just not ready for an imaginary world built out of textural cubes in a 3D developed platform. I’ll find somewhere else more open minded like Castledawson or Canada. I think the older ones were worried about the zombies and all but you can hack away at them with imaginary pickaxes or shovels and the like. It’s quite simple really and would have made a wonderful addition to the greater Omagh landscape. They’ve missed out big time.”
Molloy was given his marching orders soon after the presentation when an investigation was carried out into his CV claims of being a World Cup winning manager. The confident Tattyreagh man confirmed it was in the FIFA 14 game on the Playstation and that he’d won it with the Faroe Islands six times.
A multi-denominational approach has seen all religious leaders denounce twerking from their pulpits this morning and warned that any youngsters or middle-aged boogie lovers caught arse-dancing after 8pm in discos and dance halls will be excommunicated from their respective churches.
Arse-dancing involves shaking your behind to all types of music, popularised by Americans such as Beyoncé and Miley Cyrus. Fr Simon Shields, the 55 year old PP of Cappagh Parish, highlighted the dangers of such dancing:
“Us priests and other faith leaders still like to head to the odd disco and enjoy the modern music and clap along. The last thing we need is seeing these dance floors filled with a mass of arses bouncing all over the place to Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel or the latest Bangles number. It’s putting us priests off and we’ll end up not going and getting grumpier. It has to stop so we’ve banned this type of dancing for the next two years everywhere in the country from the Glenavon to Sally’s. No more twerking in Tyrone”.
Pastor Daniel Simpson (61) from Fintona agreed:
“Let’s be honest here. Tyrone wouldn’t be a deadly place for arses. I’ve seen hefty men and women in tight leggings bouncing their backsides like as if they’re standing in a trailer on the back of a Massey motoring down a bumpy back road in Greencastle. It’s nauseous for us oul lads. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned waltz or jive?”
Already, one Church of Ireland service goer has been reported by her husband for arse-dancing whilst making the dinner in Aghyaran although she was simply verbally reprimanded by the furious vicar as she beat the 8pm watershed.
Churches as also looking into banning the ‘Rock-the-Boat’ rowing dance as well as Nathan Carter himself.
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.