Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.
Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:
“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”
Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:
“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”
McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.
Tensions between comedy duo Conor Grimes and Alan McKee are said to be simmering after the pair again failed to come to an agreement over who will play who in the 2-character film based on the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky relationship of the 1990s, called ‘Holy Smokes, Bill!’.
McKee, who maintains Grimes looks most like the White House intern Lewinsky due to his shapely physique, is adamant that the £33m film will not go ahead if he doesn’t play the former US president:
“I don’t care about the money. Coming from Coleraine, me playing an esteemed world figure is more credible than someone from the backwoods of Tyrone. Also, I’m a dab hand at handling cigars, unlike my clean-living friend from Donaghmore.”
However Grimes, who has reportedly spent the £1m advance on a spoiler for his Vectra as well as generous donations to his local Church and a slap-up meal in the Cohannon Inn, remains steadfast in his refusal to take one for the team and play 42-year old Californian:
“McKee is being a dick about this. I’ve seen him in a blue dress and he looks the part. He’s claiming the beard is a stumbling block but sure maybe it could be a metaphor or something. To paraphrase the great man himself, ‘I will have sexual relations with that woman!’.”
The pair, who are currently performing in The History of the Peace…Accordin’ to my Ma!, have been given another seven days to settle on their roles before the offer is withdrawn.
Meanwhile, Hollywood directors are currently looking producing a film based on Owen Mulligan’s life so far with auditions beginning on Monday. Mulligan himself was refused a run-out to play himself after a high profile incident in Las Vegas this week involving a slot machine, a goat and a bit of blue piping.
Tens of thousands of men and the odd woman flocked to Newtownstewart yesterday after news spread of visions at a house on the Moyle Road. Former Newtownstewart lingerie model Yvonne Kelly thought it was just another normal morning. She got up and fed the ass which they keep in the utility room over night and headed up to shower for the day ahead. Little did she know her life was about to change.
“I was showering away and giving myself a good scrubbing as we were dunging out Uncle Hugh’s bedroom yesterday. I slipped into a daydream, staring at the shower glass door. It was then that the visions started. I squinted at a water droplet and I could have sworn it looked like the Queen of England’s head that’s on a stamp. Then I saw a dolphin in another. Over the next twenty minutes I saw Louis Walsh, Mother Teresa, Bill Clinton, Elvis, Dana, Birdie Sweeney, Brian Dooher and one of my neighbours. I called my husband in and he just stared at me in the shower, saying nothing. I think he was stunned.”
Word soon got out and people as far away as Ardstraw descended on Kelly’s house to see the visions from themselves. Unfortunately the shower door had dried up but a few lads from Gortin worked out that Yvonne had to be in the shower, washing away, for it to work. As soon as she stripped off, the visions in the water droplets began again with many in the room claiming they were seeing wondrous things like badgers, cats, melons, Brian Cowan, Bruce Forsythe and Massey Fergusons.
“Jaysus I’ll not forget that day”, said 19-year old Gary Turbett, “The things I saw will live with me forever. All my mates managed to get a look too. It was magnificent. There were plenty of cameras going so at least the visions will last a lifetime.”
Yvonne’s husband, Larry, called proceedings to a halt when he came home from work, chasing the male-dominated congregation away from the bathroom and toweling down his now chronically wrinkled wife. Despite pleas to extend the visions for another day and to set up a shrine of sorts, Larry Kelly issued a statement to the Tyrone Tribulations saying there’d be no more visions and sure there was nothing holy about them anyway.