Pope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.
800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.
This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:
“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”
Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:
“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”
Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.
Tens of thousands of men and the odd woman flocked to Newtownstewart yesterday after news spread of visions at a house on the Moyle Road. Former Newtownstewart lingerie model Yvonne Kelly thought it was just another normal morning. She got up and fed the ass which they keep in the utility room over night and headed up to shower for the day ahead. Little did she know her life was about to change.
“I was showering away and giving myself a good scrubbing as we were dunging out Uncle Hugh’s bedroom yesterday. I slipped into a daydream, staring at the shower glass door. It was then that the visions started. I squinted at a water droplet and I could have sworn it looked like the Queen of England’s head that’s on a stamp. Then I saw a dolphin in another. Over the next twenty minutes I saw Louis Walsh, Mother Teresa, Bill Clinton, Elvis, Dana, Birdie Sweeney, Brian Dooher and one of my neighbours. I called my husband in and he just stared at me in the shower, saying nothing. I think he was stunned.”
Word soon got out and people as far away as Ardstraw descended on Kelly’s house to see the visions from themselves. Unfortunately the shower door had dried up but a few lads from Gortin worked out that Yvonne had to be in the shower, washing away, for it to work. As soon as she stripped off, the visions in the water droplets began again with many in the room claiming they were seeing wondrous things like badgers, cats, melons, Brian Cowan, Bruce Forsythe and Massey Fergusons.
“Jaysus I’ll not forget that day”, said 19-year old Gary Turbett, “The things I saw will live with me forever. All my mates managed to get a look too. It was magnificent. There were plenty of cameras going so at least the visions will last a lifetime.”
Yvonne’s husband, Larry, called proceedings to a halt when he came home from work, chasing the male-dominated congregation away from the bathroom and toweling down his now chronically wrinkled wife. Despite pleas to extend the visions for another day and to set up a shrine of sorts, Larry Kelly issued a statement to the Tyrone Tribulations saying there’d be no more visions and sure there was nothing holy about them anyway.