Monthly Archives: September 2014
Two Tyrone Tribulation Journalists On The Run As PSNI Clamp Down On Lies
It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider.
The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.
DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:
“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”
Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:
“It’s a disgrace so it is.”
The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:
“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”
Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.
Benburb Man Completes Fourth Grueling Marathon. Of Box Sets.
A man has privately admitted that his boasts of completing four exhausting marathons in as many weeks relate not to running 26-mile marathons, but in fact to lying on the couch watching entire series’ of television programmes in one sitting.
Paul McElhatton, a 28-year old banana ripener from Benburb, spent all day Monday recovering from what he called ‘one the most intense marathons he had ever endured’.
“You have to prepare for these things”, said McElhatton. “I did no training at all for my first one, and it was bad. Breaking Bad, all five seasons series of it. House of Cards wasn’t quite as tiring although it was quite difficult to follow, but a multipack of the Tayto gave me the strength to get through it. To be honest, it was actually my third marathon, Homeland, that I found most draining. Was yer man going to blow up lots of people or not? Was he going to get found out in time? It was a shattering experience. You try sitting on the edge of your seat for forty fecking hours. I had to phone in sick the next day. My arse was numb for a week”.
But his family are still under the illusion that young Paul’s marathon exploits relate not to television-watching but to pounding the streets in running shoes. His mother, 62-year old Bridie, said,
“We’re so proud of him. I know his third one took twelve hours which raised a few eyebrows, but then he is carrying plenty of beef on him, bless him. But he’s very modest about it. He’s got a tara amount of energy. I asked him if he had to lie down afterwards, and he said that was the last thing he wanted to do. I don’t know where he gets it from. I remember when he used to live at the homeplace, all he did was sit watching telly all day. Look at him now”.
McElhatton explained that all his hard work is paying off.
“It does get easier the more you do it”, he said. “By the fourth marathon it had all become a bit of a game. Of Thrones. Thon one set in the Titanic Quarter, but with dinosaurs and stuff. Over thirty hours, but I sailed through it”.
As of last night, McElhatton was preparing for his fifth marathon watching all 120 episodes of ‘Friends’ by learning all the words of ‘Smelly Cat’.
Man Catches Bad Cold After Waiting 9 Hours Outside Coalisland’s Virtual Shop
Coalisland’s first virtual shop has temporarily closed after the council belatedly decided they need to inform locals how it works.
The move comes after pensioner Gerry McIntyre (71) caught a very bad cold whilst knocking on the door and shouting through the painted window for 9 hours. The shop, which depicts a colourful and lively scene using hoardings and virtual graphics painted over a brick wall, was unveiled recently as an attempt to tidy the town up a bit.
However, residents have hit out after they received no leaflets to explain what the shop was or how it worked. McIntyre’s wife Kitty informed us:
“When Gerry said he was popping down to McCrum’s for a loaf of bread and a light bulb I just thought he was doting again. That was at 9am and it wasn’t until 6pm that I thought I may go looking for him. When I got there he was roaring his head off, shouting things like ‘ignorant shower of hoors’ and stuff like that. He was shivering badly too and his hand looked busted from banging on the door which was just a brick wall.”
Other locals have complained that the depiction was too realistic. The local doctor’s surgery confirmed he received 14 calls for people with busted noses from walking into the virtual door. Mr McKendry added:
“It’s just too good. Their painting has people chatting away in a friendly manner and smiling at each other. Maybe they should tone it down a bit with someone drunk firing a chair at the owner because his sausage roll was cold. You know, run of the mill stuff you’d see here.”
The council announced they have shelved plans to create a virtual off-licence in case of fatalities.
Tyrone Wedding Singer Narrowly Fails To Sabotage Clooney Marriage Ceremony
A local wedding singer, who was chosen to perform at George Clooney’s wedding to Amal Alamuddin in Venice, has been roundly criticised by guests for trying to create a bit of tension between the pair.
Susan McCray, a singer and harp player from Dungannon, was Clooney’s musician of choice after he saw her on the side of the road in Boston trying to busk her fare back to Ireland in 2011. Onlookers looked decidedly uncomfortable after McCray began with an off-the-cuff number when Alamuddin sauntered up the aisle. Celebrity guest Mary Carey told us:
“Yes, it was a bit awkward. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division is a fine song but not really a mood setter at that point in the ceremony. I’m told that it was meant to be You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker so there’s a bit of a difference there. This woman is trouble.”
McCray upped the stakes during a lull in proceedings by belting out a stirring rendition of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette which apparently drew applause from three other women in the congregation. Fearing a revolution amongst his guests, Clooney told his singer to just play an instrumental piece as the ceremony ended. One source informed us:
“It started as a religious sort of song then she burst into Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths whilst drinking from a small bottle of buckfast. The lyrics “I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m mierable now” never felt as poignant. It was rather emotional.”
McCray was later arrested by Italian police for urinating on a plant outside the church.
Witch-Ducking “Isn’t Always The Answer” Says Controversial Ardboe Man
A campaign to outlaw witch-ducking in parts of Ardboe by 2017 was met with disapproval from many quarters yesterday.
The little-known law, which was endured in the area for over 500 years, is planned to be repealed within the next three years by the courts, but met stiff opposition from locals who were disappointed at the news. The practice involves lowering suspected witches into Lough Neagh whilst strapped to a seat.
“When the elders is the area decide that someone has contravened our local bye laws, that’s when we turn to The Stool”, explained village chieftain Methusala O’Neill. “It’s grand for dispensing law and order, or just for when we’re bored and after a bit of craic. Last week there was this wummin from the Mullan Road who wouldn’t stop playing Hugo Duncan. On and on and on it went, for at least five minutes. Maybe even more. She went in The Stool. No messing. Looked like a drowned rat when she came out. And the thing is, we all love Uncle Hugo round here”.
“And it’s not just the wemmin by the way”, he continued. “Men can go in the ducking stool. We’re very modern that way. Lucksee, just last week John Joe Quinn from the Ballygillen Road went in The Stool for having bandy legs. Everyone agreed they were fed up lookin’ at them. Up and down he went. Three times. Mighty”.
But controversial Ardboe man Hugh Loughran thinks it’s time for the practice to be stopped.
“I’m fed up with it. You should see the crowds. They’re mad for it. Out in their thousands. It’s like Philomena’s turned up. This ducking business is out of date. If people want entertainment why can’t they just do a local Strictly Come Dancing, same as everyone else?”
Questioned whether or not witch-ducking was a practice that belonged in another century, O’Neill was quick to respond.
“We’re not savages you know. Nobody gets drownded. Calm yerself. We always make sure they’re safely strapped in when we send them to the bottom of the freezing Lough waters. We’re very health and safety conscious round here. They always get a towel when they come out. It’s a bit like water boarding combined with a trip down the water slide at Dungannon Leisure Centre. And probably just as cold”.
Maureen Reilly, a self-confessed witch from Ruskey Road, said,
“I’d be devastated if they took The Stool away. It’s the only way I can get cheap eels as long as I’m quick. It’s part of the way of life round here. You can feck off with yer mobility phones and yer teleradios. Leave the stool alone. They’ll be wanting to outlaw our iron maiden next. Jaysus”.
In other news, Donaghmore is expected to outlaw tickle torture next year.
1 million hits
Omagh’s ‘Shawshank Husband’ Dug Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub Over 15 Years
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”
Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife:
“To be honest I was sort of glad I was caught. She was always smelling drink off me in the morning and I was explaining it away as a natural odour. But recently I was finding myself singing rebel songs and stuff coming back up the tunnel and it was only a matter of time before I was caught anyhow. The landlord was also wondering how I was just appearing out of nowhere at the same time every night and disappearing from the women’s toilets.”
The tunnel was finally discovered after the DOE performed a survey on a sewage problem which turned out to be caused by a pipe Kerr had hit accidentally, causing sewage to leak into his tunnel over five years. The judge questioned Kerr’s wife as to why she never smelt the sewage odours from her husband. Mrs Kerr simply shrugged.
Maths Teacher Cautioned Over Gruesome Sums
A Cookstown mathematics teacher of 21 years experience has been cautioned by the Education Board after his unusual methods were reported by angry parents.
Barney McGrath, who was born in Ardboe but moved to Cookstown in 1979, defended his style, claiming he had already coached over 1000 pupils to success in O Level and GCSE Maths as well as Additional Maths.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to acquire a copy of the latest homework he set his class. It included:
If you beat the head clean off 6 Derry men and kicked the tripe out of 4 Armagh men, how many men have you hammered?
Another puzzled posed was:
You make 16 bottles of illegal alcohol but the cops arrive and confiscate them all. However, during a fake road block you set up and the ensuing bloody shoot-out involving you and the police, you manage to retrieve a quarter of your poitin. How many bottles have you now?
Parent Josie Mulligan admitted she called the Board after her son produced this latest homework:
“Our wee Eoin was having nightmares and wetting the bed. We couldn’t put our finger on what was causing it until he started calling out things like ‘the square root’ and random numbers during one of his episodes. It appears Mr McGrath was terrifying the youngsters with his horrific sums. The man’s a headcase.”
Mr McGrath (49) admitted his methods may be considered somewhat outdated in today’s society but claimed you could hear a pin drop during his lessons:
“People need to loosen up a bit. Maths is maths no matter how you dress it up. My classes are memorable. For example, today I brought in 16 of my wife’s bras and asked the lads to hold up three quarters of them. They’ll never forget that sum.”
His school, St Bruce’s Secondary, revealed he was suspended this afternoon after he set another homework which included:
During an important match between Ardboe and Moortown, 14 innocent Ardboe players received limb fractures, 4 Moortown players pretended to have broken noses and 3 of the officials were slashed by knife-wielding Moortown women. How many people went home unhappy?
Spillane Admits ‘This Oul Defending Lark Isn’t Bad At All’
Pat Spillane, the TV controversial pundit who played some football in the 80s, has finally admitted he might now see the value in defending in numbers and attacking on the break.
The Kerryman, who lambasted Tyrone for a decade for having the temerity to bring more than six defenders back into their own half and famously labelled their brand of football ‘puke’ and ‘basketball’, maintains his comments were taken out of context:
“No, I never said anything of the sort. Defending is an art and the more defenders you have the more arty it is. It was magical to watch The Mighty Kingdom swarm around the Donegal forwards. Sometimes we had eight defenders on one Donegal man – it was a pleasure to behold. Kerry have always been innovators and this new blanket tactic we have invented will change the game of Gaelic football. But, a word of warning – no one will be able to do it the way we do it.”
When pressed on the statistics which showed that Kerry made 1399 hand passes and 3 foot passes, he added:
“And what? Listen, foot-passing is an archaic mode of transferring the ball from one player to the next. It’s unreliable and statistically inaccurate the majority of time. No, again Kerry have redefined keeping possession. We’re just brilliant at it.”
Spillane finally became irate when our journalist posed the question regarding the 72 tactical fouls Kerry made outside the scoring zone:
“Away back up north with you and stop whining. It’s a man’s game. You Ulster men come down here with your fancy dan football, soloing and kicking the ball to each other. Well, where’s Sam now? He’s well hidden under the Kerry blanket. Yerra.”
The multiple All-Star forward also defended Barry John Keane’s cynical ploy of kicking the ball off the goalkeeper’s tee in injury time as ‘high jinks’ and that the ‘sun was probably in his eyes’. He added:
“If Sean Cavanagh had done that it’s a different matter. He’d probably have stabbed the ball with a penknife anyway. Puke stuff.”
Customers Told To ‘Quit Moaning’ After Sandwich Bar Runs Out Of Bread
A Dungannon sandwich bar has threatened to close up and move somewhere else, blaming locals for being ‘deadly whingers’ after they received 413 complaints in a week for not having any bread.
Customers were seen leaving Campbell’s Sandwich Bar shaking their heads and holding their tuna fillings or egg and onion mix in a small clear plastic bag. Campbell’s told customers it would be another week before they’d get the time to buy bread from the shops and that this was the way shops served sandwiches in places like Spain and France anyway.
Local man Kieran Hughes was having none of it:
“I’ve been to Spain loads of times and I know for a fact they have bread in their sandwich. The man is lying. Whoever heard of a breadless sandwich? I order a Club Sandwich and walked out holding chicken, bacon, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise in my hands. It was dripping all over the place and ruined my clothes. I’ll not be back!”
Shop owner James Soupy Campbell reckoned people needed to lighten up a bit and to stop being picky about everything:
“People need to lighten up a bit and stop being picky about everything.”
The news follows reports of a shop near Coalisland called JJ’s Chips which has never served a chip since it opened two months ago. Our reporter ordered a fish supper as part of an undercover operation for Tyrone Tribulations and received a battered fish with one slice of unbuttered white bread and a sachet of salt from KFC.
On further inspection it turned out the fish had no batter on it but had clearly been beaten around the shop with a hammer or something. Our reporter gave it 7/10.
Stephen Nolan has been asked to do a programme on declining food standards in Tyrone.
Donegal Players Practise Tyrone Accents, Mannerisms And Odours Before Kerry Clash
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser
A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.
The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.
“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.
Participant Steve Lewis said,
“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”
McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.
“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.
McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.
Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.
Tyrone Tribulations Declares Victory Over Car Parking In Dungannon
Tyrone Tribulations declared itself ‘champion of the people’ after Dungannon Council agreed to provide free car parking in Dungannon town centre in September and October.
The Tyrone-based online news blog claimed that the Council had caved in to pressure following an article that appeared on the Tyrone
Tribulations website on the 4 August in relation to profits generated from the car parking facilities in Dungannon for the last three years.
“This is all down to us”, said journalist Shengas McGlumphie from behind an accumulation of empty whiskey glasses in Hagan’s Bar in Irish Street. “Our campaign to highlight the parking charges in Dungannon, has been a long, arduous, exhausting campaign that started on the 4th of August and finished about 3pm the same day. Jay, there was some drink taken that night boys”, he said. “Although there’s drink taken most nights to be honest”.
He went on,
“Tyrone Tribulations has reported and championed everything from nationalising Hugo Duncan to making Pomeroy less hilly. These are things that really matter to the people of Tyrone. It’s investigative reporting at its best. Today it’s bringing free parking to Dungannon, tomorrow it’ll be bringing the Olympics to Britain or suchlike. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up to the man. Deadly”.
McGlumphie refused to be drawn on reports that the website was little more than a collection of hastily written half-truths, that much of it was simply copied and pasted from the Dungannon Observer, and that the writers lacked communicative style and finesse.
“That’s f***ing bollocks that is”, said McGlumphie. “Tyrone Tribulations is quality reporting at its best. And I can categorically confirm that we have never copied stuff from the Dungannon Observer. Never in a million years. It’s usually the Tyrone Times. The Observer uses tara long words”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone stated that they knew nothing of the campaign and had never heard of Tyrone Tribulations.
Tyrone Tribulations Global Media Ltd, which owns Tyrone Tribulations, continues to be based in a corner of Dungannon Library until such time as they can afford to buy their own computer.
Orange Order May Change Name To Lemon Or Salmon Order In Re-Branding Initiative
In a brave move to symbolise changed times in Ireland, an Orange Order branch in Tyrone have tabled a motion to completely re-brand the fraternal organisation by changing its name to a ‘more modern colour’ in order to attract a younger audience as well as creating a fresh start with non-protestant neighbours.
Strabane True Blues LOL 90 forwarded the idea after all branches were sent a questionnaire asking how they thought the Loyal Orange Institution could embrace the 21st century in a positive manner and turn the 12th of July commemorations into something more family friendly like Christmas.
The Chief Grand Master of the West Tyrone branch, Lord Marrow, reckoned a complete re-branding is the only way to throw off the shackles of centuries-old negative perceptions and encourage a new representation of the brotherhood:
“Orange isn’t really an attractive colour any more. You rarely find people wearing orange clothes or driving orange vehicles. Whereas the bitter lemon stimulates ideas of freshness and cleanliness – restaurants often give you lemon to wash off juices and sauces. Salmon is also another colour we’re looking into. You picture salmon leaping into the air and grabbing the future by the scruff. We’re really excited that our idea is top of the agenda.”
Lord Marrow also motioned the need for more women in the parades, dressed to attract a youthful male membership:
“If you ever watch the St Patrick’s Day parades you’ll see many young buxom women, slightly tipsy and in green, cavorting on floats and in parades and it’s a real pull for the viewer. We need to look at our marches and maybe spice it up a bit with plunging necklines etc. I know the older members will frown on this but we must move with the times.”
Orange Order Assistant Director of Services Harold Pringles admitted it will be hard to get the above motions passed:
“To call us the Lemon Order will cost millions in terms of merchandise recalls but it might just be worth it. The proposal to inject younger women into the parades won’t pass but maybe we can provide cosmetic help to our current female sisterhood members.”
A vote on the new name will take place in Limavady next week.
Meanwhile, the Royal Black Institution have admitted they are following this motion will interest and are open to changing their name to lime, puce or burgundy.
‘Yes’ To Be Phased Out In Tyrone. No-One Uses It.
From a year ago…
A proposal released by Dungannon & South Tyrone Council has confirmed that the word ‘yes’ has fallen out of popular usage in the county, and will be replaced by number of alternatives. ‘Yes’ will now be phased out of the spoken language from January 2015, with an anticipated but completely unexplainable £18m of savings to the tax payer.
Instead of the word ‘yes’, a number of phrases already in common usage will replace it, including: ‘That’ll do’, ‘Sound’, ‘It is surely’, ‘Surely to God’, ‘You can bet your bollocks it is’, ‘A hundred per cent’, ‘Grand’, ‘Crack on’, ‘Aye’ and ‘Sure, why not’.
The fantasist behind the idea, local Councillor Declan Brady, said,
“After some significant and exhaustive research outside Argos in Dungannon one Tuesday morning, we found that people didn’t even recognise the word ‘yes’ any more. It’s one of those old-fashioned words that people no…
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Leaked Document Reveals Derrytresk Training Schedule For Junior Final
A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.
The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.
Amongst other directions, the instructions included:
- Six raw eggs every morning
- a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
- Listening to traditional music
- a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training
When asked about that final item, our source told us:
“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”
Other recommendations included:
- Six Hail Marys every night before bed
- No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
- Planking and meditation
When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’
Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.
County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era
A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.
With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:
“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”
A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:
“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”
Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.
Coalisland Bank To Close Allegedly Because Of Locals Being ‘Too Tight’ To Deposit
First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.
The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.
The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:
“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”
Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:
“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”
When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.
The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.