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Coalisland Bank To Close Allegedly Because Of Locals Being ‘Too Tight’ To Deposit

Typical Coalisland bedroom

Typical Coalisland bedroom

First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.

The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.

The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:

“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”

Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:

“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”

When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.

The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.

TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF

briefs

shengasBy Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

Kildress baker shop to close

‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.

Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all

Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.

Dungannon Square to be re-named

 Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.

340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.

32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.

Tattyreagh author publishes book

In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.

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