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Coalisland Bank To Close Allegedly Because Of Locals Being ‘Too Tight’ To Deposit

Typical Coalisland bedroom

Typical Coalisland bedroom

First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.

The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.

The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:

“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”

Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:

“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”

When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.

The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.

Water Filters ‘Selling Like Hotcakes’ In Ardboe. Cash Up Front.

The Pastor Kennedy Water Filter

A preacher from Alabama in America has blogged that, in all his travels over the world, the people of Ardboe were the most generous by far. Pastor Peter Kennedy stopped off in Ardboe on his way home from Russia in order to rectify a horrible experience his great grandfather had in the area in the late 1800s. The great Arthur Kennedy toured Ireland in 1896, hoping to convert the locals into using an early version of the modern water filter which involved connecting his contraption to the nozzle of a water pump in the Main Street.

“Arthur meant well. He was showing the Ardboe community how they could filter out all the muck and silt from the water pump in the village. All was going well until he was chased from the local drinking shebeen after letting it slip that the filtered water could not be mixed with whiskey or the version of local ether/meth they were all drinking. As he left the pub someone threw a dog at him through the window from inside the building. He said he’d never visited such a heathen place in all his travels across Europe.”

Peter now claims the people of Ardboe have changed beyond all recognition and will be recommending the loughshore townland as a tourist attraction to Obama’s government when he returns to America.

“I managed to sell 130 water filters last week alone in the greater Ardboe area. At £2500 a go they don’t come cheap but the people here have dug deep. Our brand of filters have changed a lot since 1896. You can mix any alcohol at all with it. It also claims to cure illnesses if you rub it on the affected area. They seemed to like that idea here and already there has been rumours of women getting rid of unwanted facial hair, men losing weight and animals working harder after applying the water. It also gets rid of embarrassing stains from trousers or skirts. Some may say they’re a superstitious or gullable people around these parts but I say they’re open to ideas. A great community. All cash up front too. The Northern Bank must do some trade in Ardboe as it was all their notes. I’ve already received advanced orders for another 40 filters for here, again paid for by similar bank notes. Magnificent people.”

When questioned on the sudden influx of wealth in the area, Ardboe Lord Mayor simply smirked and commented, “Is thon balax away yet?”

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