The infamous Panama papers, documents which show the many ways in which the rich can exploit secretive offshore tax regimes, have identified over half a dozen Tyrone millionaires, all of whom made their fortune selling pallets.
Having identified on these pages the money which can be garnered selling the small wooden structural foundation of a unit load which allows handling and storage efficiencies a couple of years ago, the news comes as no surprise to many in the county with many others promising to look into offshore tax havens for their own ventures.
Dromore water-filter merchant Danny Devine admitted he’s now thinking of opening an account in the Isle of Man:
“I’ve a lock of pound built up from the water-filter craze in the 80s and have often been worried about ones from Trillick stealing it so I’ve decided to put my assets offshore to defend them from raids by them crooks.”
Financial advisors in the county have asked farmers and other rich citizens to think hard about investing their money outside the county as the knock-on effect within their own communities could be devastating.
Money guru Johnny Monroe advised:
“These boys making money from pallets are multi-millionaires. I’ve heard some in the county debating about opening an account in the British Virgin Islands and all they have is £200 from selling a car. People are hysterical now. You’d be best spending it in Sally’s and a pastie bap afterwards.”
Meanwhile, Barry McElduff has yet to deny he’s one of the Panama Seven despite driving around Carrickmore in a new Ford with a spoiler and wearing sunglasses and stuff like that.
A preacher from Alabama in America has blogged that, in all his travels over the world, the people of Ardboe were the most generous by far. Pastor Peter Kennedy stopped off in Ardboe on his way home from Russia in order to rectify a horrible experience his great grandfather had in the area in the late 1800s. The great Arthur Kennedy toured Ireland in 1896, hoping to convert the locals into using an early version of the modern water filter which involved connecting his contraption to the nozzle of a water pump in the Main Street.
“Arthur meant well. He was showing the Ardboe community how they could filter out all the muck and silt from the water pump in the village. All was going well until he was chased from the local drinking shebeen after letting it slip that the filtered water could not be mixed with whiskey or the version of local ether/meth they were all drinking. As he left the pub someone threw a dog at him through the window from inside the building. He said he’d never visited such a heathen place in all his travels across Europe.”
Peter now claims the people of Ardboe have changed beyond all recognition and will be recommending the loughshore townland as a tourist attraction to Obama’s government when he returns to America.
“I managed to sell 130 water filters last week alone in the greater Ardboe area. At £2500 a go they don’t come cheap but the people here have dug deep. Our brand of filters have changed a lot since 1896. You can mix any alcohol at all with it. It also claims to cure illnesses if you rub it on the affected area. They seemed to like that idea here and already there has been rumours of women getting rid of unwanted facial hair, men losing weight and animals working harder after applying the water. It also gets rid of embarrassing stains from trousers or skirts. Some may say they’re a superstitious or gullable people around these parts but I say they’re open to ideas. A great community. All cash up front too. The Northern Bank must do some trade in Ardboe as it was all their notes. I’ve already received advanced orders for another 40 filters for here, again paid for by similar bank notes. Magnificent people.”
When questioned on the sudden influx of wealth in the area, Ardboe Lord Mayor simply smirked and commented, “Is thon balax away yet?”