Moy/Dromore Division One Game To Go Ahead Despite Royal Baby Birth
After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
Judge Orders Trillick Bakery To Make Dromore Cake
In what has been described a landmark decision, a baker in Trillick has been told to cease their discriminatory practices and to fulfil an order placed the day before Dromore play Trillick by a Trillick fanatic, an Omagh court heard.
The bakery, owned by Dromore native Henry Davidson, has only sold three Paris buns and a wheaten bread today, with Davidson adding that he has received dirty looks by Trillick natives on a daily basis.
The cake, a plain sponge cake with a bit of cream in the middle, was to read ‘Dromore R Shite’ on the icing, a request denied by Dromore man Davidson who opened his bakery in Trillick in 1991. Davidson added:
“I can’t believe this ruling. Surely I should be able to run my shop any way I want. I don’t walk into a cafe and tell the owner I want the design of a naked Jamaican woman on the froth of my cappuccino and then cause all manner of trouble when he refuses. This is just a form of ethnic cleansing. Trillick is a cold place for Dromore ones. I won’t be making that cake.”
The customer, Gerry Breen, maintains he will stand outside Davidson’s Bakery until the cake is made. Breen had planned to eat the cake himself over the course of three days, washed down with tea and sometimes ordinary brown mineral or even water.
“He’ll be making that cake. Sure Dromore are shite. I’m not trying to be funny.”
Panama Papers Reveal Seven Tyrone Millionaires Selling Pallets
The infamous Panama papers, documents which show the many ways in which the rich can exploit secretive offshore tax regimes, have identified over half a dozen Tyrone millionaires, all of whom made their fortune selling pallets.
Having identified on these pages the money which can be garnered selling the small wooden structural foundation of a unit load which allows handling and storage efficiencies a couple of years ago, the news comes as no surprise to many in the county with many others promising to look into offshore tax havens for their own ventures.
Dromore water-filter merchant Danny Devine admitted he’s now thinking of opening an account in the Isle of Man:
“I’ve a lock of pound built up from the water-filter craze in the 80s and have often been worried about ones from Trillick stealing it so I’ve decided to put my assets offshore to defend them from raids by them crooks.”
Financial advisors in the county have asked farmers and other rich citizens to think hard about investing their money outside the county as the knock-on effect within their own communities could be devastating.
Money guru Johnny Monroe advised:
“These boys making money from pallets are multi-millionaires. I’ve heard some in the county debating about opening an account in the British Virgin Islands and all they have is £200 from selling a car. People are hysterical now. You’d be best spending it in Sally’s and a pastie bap afterwards.”
Meanwhile, Barry McElduff has yet to deny he’s one of the Panama Seven despite driving around Carrickmore in a new Ford with a spoiler and wearing sunglasses and stuff like that.
Dromore Man Reports Imaginary Friend For Tax Fraud
In a highly unusual development, the imaginary friend of a Dromore bachelor is currently being questioned in an Omagh detention centre over failure to return tax forms since 1994 as well as neglecting to pay TV, dog and gun licences and other minor misdemeanours.
Felix McGinn (48), who turned his friend ‘James’ (also 48) in at 5pm yesterday, revealed he was finding it hard to maintain a friendship due to the mountain of skulduggery his childhood partner was indulging in since the 1994 ceasefire.
“He seemed to react to the ceasefire by creating his own mayhem. I caught him on numerous occasions tripping people going up for communion or stealing money from my own mother’s purse. To be honest, I just don’t know him any more.”
Listing a damning roll of illegal activities which included going to matches without paying in and urinating in the swimming pool, McGinn expects to see a speedy verdict of mass fraud and general anti-social behaviour:
“I’ll be glad to see the back of him. He was never there when I needed him and would only turn up when there was an opportunity to do some damage and I’d get the blame. He’d be whistling at women in the town and I’d be the one getting the slap.”
A PSNI Fraud Squad spokesman has confirmed that questioning has been ‘difficult’ with the imaginary suspect regularly refusing to answer questions or even appearing in the room.
Parents Distraught As Dromore Teen Not Interested In Growing A Beard
A 17-year old A Level student, who has been described as ‘fairly normal enough up until now‘ by close friends and family, has worried his local community after he admitted in the Spar this morning that he has no intention of growing a beard. To confound matters further, Patrick McCullagh also revealed he has no interest in cycling.
Close friend, and owner of an 8-month old beard, Dessie Dorman (18) agreed he was concerned about Patrick’s state of mind and has asked family members to keep an eye on him over the next few days:
“There was nothing wrong with Patrick until today. We just thought he was one of those lads who took ages to grow facial hair like wee Collie McCullagh up the road. But to say he has no interest in growing a beard is just mad stuff altogether. And then to top it off by saying he’s not into the cycling is baffling. To dislike both of those things is weird but I don’t think I want to associate with someone who doesn’t have an interest in at least one. I don’t know Patrick McCullagh from today.”
he added before cycling off in a new Carrera Virtuoso Road Bike to compete in a 60k charity race in Gweedore.
McCullagh’s father, ex champion pipe-smoker and backing singer in 1960s local band The Turfclodders, admitted he felt shame at his son’s recent revelations:
“There’s nothing wrong with our breed. In the 70s I’d the long hair and flared jeans like everyone else. Our Patrick maybe needs to be sent away somewhere like Jamaica or Russia where they accept all kinds. Dromore is not the place for off-radar lads like him.”
Meanwhile local PP Fr Turnett has warned women in the parish not to go down the beard route yet and to not be wearing short skirts when cycling to Mass.
Bin Laden Had ‘Rake Of Tyrone Books’ In Personal Library Says US Intelligence Officials
US intelligence officials, who this week released more than 100 documents seized four years ago in the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, revealed he possessed a fascination with Tyrone GAA as well as reading works by Islamist thinkers but also English language books by authors like Noam Chomsky and Bob Woodward.
The news of the secret Red-Hand library stash comes in the wake of over 200 complaints made to PSNI officials by locals regarding the amount of men in suits with American accents walking around Tyrone whilst talking up their sleeves.
The US Photo Agency leaked a picture of his library which showed copies of ‘The History of Dromore GFC’, ‘The GAA in Tyrone’, ‘Ryan McMenamin – Baring My Teeth’, ‘This Secret History of Lough Neagh’ and ‘Malachi Cush – The Sweet Sound of Success’.
Speaking to a limited press gathering, US Marshall Nelson Power added:
“As well as dozens of cuttings from newspapers and magazines, again largely about al-Qaida, supplementing the more academic reading, Bin Laden appeared to have been fixated with Tyrone people and what drives them to success. We’re looking into this ourselves as we were expecting an extensive Derry collection, especially from around Maghera and Dungiven, or even South Armagh.”
Unconfirmed Rumours have emerged since claiming Bin Laden kept a Tyrone jersey from 2003 under his bed which had the WJ Dolan lettering well worn suggesting he has used it a lot, maybe for kick-arounds outside his compound during quiet periods.
A video also shows Bin Laden laughing and roaring at his small TV which appears to be showing Datsun Donaghy’s ‘How I Won The Sam Maguire’.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
GAA Wades Into Overcrowding Graveyard Dilemma
Sources close to Tyrone GAA headquarters in Omagh have revealed that the sporting organisation are to offer a radical and controversial suggestion to help ease the current panic over plot space for the deceased.
An emergency meeting this morning, convened after a startling headline in the Irish News this morning over limited graveyard space, resulted in a motion tabled that the GAA in the county employ willing and able recently-deceased Gaels as umpires and on some occasions as linesmen in order to fulfil the minimum requirement for fixtures especially with the imminent threat of strikes from match officials over match-day fees looming large. All umpires, alive or dead, must be between the ages 65 and 80 as the current rule stands.
Our source, who confirmed a doctor was also in attendance to explain the medical side of things, explained how the motion was passed with an overwhelming majority:
“The doctor was was very convincing. He knew his stuff. He says the rigor mortis was perfect for the stance of an umpire and that many supporters wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. The county secretary added that only those who signed a legal contract before death allowing their bodies to be used for posthumous officiating would be considered, and only if they’d paid up the annual membership fee for their club right up until they expired.”
Our source went on to reveal how a committee member suggested the deceased volunteer could use their club colours, continuing their great club volunteer work beyond the grave. When questioned on how scores and wides would be signalled, he explained:
“Well, an electrician from Dromore said he could wire up lights to their coats so if it was a wide the ref would press a button and red lights would flash on the umpire’s coat, with orange lights for a point and green lights for a goal. It seemed pretty straightforward and goes a long way to call the bluff from the upcoming umpire strikers.”
The Church have yet to respond to the offer but reports suggest they’re open to any solution to solve the overcrowding issue. However, the county’s Goalkeeping Union have voiced concerns at how off-putting it might be for goalkeepers, especially for evening games with a sparse crowd in attendance, to have two dead umpires beside him.
A motion to use the expired volunteers as actual referees was narrowly rejected.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
Is Nominative Determinism More Prevalent In Co. Tyrone Than Anywhere Else On Earth?
The phenomenon of nominative determinism – which describes the increased likelihood of choosing a profession as a result of being born to a particular surname – is currently being studied to see if location also has an impact on adult career choices.
A Tyrone Tribulations envoy met with Professor Johnny Pointless and his students at Oxford University’s sociology department, and hoped to prove that none other than our very own County Tyrone has the highest incidence of name-sake related jobs.
“It has long since been held that there is a strong link between one’s family name and the professional path people choose in life” professor Pointless told us, “even back to Shakespearean times. A look at some of the Co. Tyrone examples are quite remarkable, if true.”
Examples discussed included world famous golfer Darren Clarke, who spent his early years as a junior bookkeeper, training to be an accountant with a Dungannon firm. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods et al, Clarke decided in his early 20s that he wanted to explore another field.
Another Tyrone example was that Dennis Taylor had been a clothing alterations specialist at a formal dress-hire company in Dungannon. Taylor finally got fed up measuring lads for their school formals, and taking up trousers, so he decided to head for the dole queue. Soon he bridged the gap between Ireland and England, pocketing a fortune over the years.
Taylor did always however maintain contact with his protégé, local tv and radio star Malachi Cush, who himself was an all-Ireland snooker and pool underage champion. This example of nominative determinism explains why Taylor’s trousers were always impeccable during snooker tournaments.
Tyrone Tribulations also informed the Oxford team of the two brothers from Derrylaughan who have been running a very successful ‘Sahara animal trekking experience’ tour business along the romantic shores of Lough Neagh.
Following from their popularity, ‘Camel’s Riding School’ looks set to open for local kids parties this coming September. While Oxford pointed there were “parochial pronunciation issues at play” (Campbell versus Camel) this still did in fact qualify as a case where one’s surname had an influence on their paid profession.
Post and present Tyrone senior footballers and great friends Darren McCurry and Ryan (Ricey) McMenamin are opening a chain of Chinese takeaway restaurants in Dromore, with half and half a discounted special. This, also we are told, does qualify.
Other examples we raised with the team included former footballing greats such as Mickey Coleman, who has decided to put down his guitar and has stocked up on household fuels for the winter months. Chris and Stevie Lawn have obtained a franchise for a gardening firm and are presently seeking contracts round Moortown and Ardboe.
Former last gasp saviour and ‘keeper, John Devine is rumoured to be down in Maynooth in the early stages of becoming a deacon which was also accepted within the guidelines set primarily by the dictionary.
Stevie O’Neill being ‘a deadly man on a size five ball’ is not something the panel would accept at this stage, although we have arranged they be flown over to the next Clann na Gael training session to help reverse their decision on the 2005 Footballer of the year.
When we informed them of a postman in Coalisland called Pat, researchers confirmed that this was just an amusing coincidence and didn’t really qualify as nominative determinism. Also Mickey Harte, being universally loved all around the County, was “a totally separate matter… maybe if he was a surgeon or something” stated Pointless… little does he know we told him.
Following recent reports in the Irish News that proud gay boxing champion, and great fella, Junior Quinn from Clonoe wanted to be called ‘Queen’ again, Oxford’s boffins ruled this was just a pronunciation issue, “and again totally different to what we have been telling you all day.”
Also mentioned was Big Willie Anderson the Dungannon and Ireland rugby great who we said has tried to dismiss talk of some 1980s videotapes he made. Added to the disappointment that we could not produce the tapes, Pointless and his team indicated it would not have been counted anyway as Willie is a Christian name, not his family name, and ‘Big’ is an endearing term for the man because he is so well liked around his town.
While we await the final outcome to be announced, it can be confirmed that Tyrone is in the final two areas being reviewed. Also in the running are the Choctaw Indians of the USA, who actually do include an awful lot of real Indians.
Local Gangsters Organise Amazing Concerts After Brooks Fiasco
Government officials have told people to be wary of mind-boggling concert line-ups as entrepreneurs make money on interest before cancelling the event late on.
Using the Garth Brooks incident as a template, Omagh man Harry Davidson advertised a ‘Tramping About Tyrone’ weekend festival allegedly featuring U2, Rihanna, Tom Jones, Eminem, Rod Stewart, Bruce Springsteen and a hologram Michael Jackson all in a 3-acre field near Loughmacrory, costing £300 for the weekend ‘subject to licensing and appearance agreements’. 90’000 tickets were sold within three hours yesterday for the January 1st 2015 event.
One lucky ticket holder, Jane Tohill, told us:
“We know fine rightly this won’t go ahead but you have to take a chance don’t you. Harry once organised a quiz in the pub and won it himself so we know what kind of crook he is. We also know he’ll make a bomb out of the interest from these ticket sales but you’d never forgive yourself if he came good. But it’s not happening is it?’
When contacted, Davidson was honest about his venture. After laughing for five minutes, he confirmed:
“As sure as I’m standing here, this concert is not going ahead. I plan to cancel it in December, probably just before Christmas, which is a rather generous thing to do. They’ll get their refund back to buy presents and I get my interest. Everyone wins. People will always take a chance though, just in case like. There’s that 0.01% chance Tramping About Tyrone might happen.”
Other events recently announced included ‘Beyonce In Brocagh’, (Neil) ‘Diamond Does Dromore’, and ‘Meatloaf In The Moy’ which have all sold out despite zero chance of actually happening although Meatloaf was spotting eating strawberries from a pallet on the side of the road in Eglish last week.
Tyrone Firm In Trouble Over Grass Seed On England’s World Cup Football Pitch
A firm in Dromore was yesterday accused of supplying low quality grass seed to the ground-staff at Brazil’s Arena da Amazonia football ground, where the England football team will commence their World Cup campaign.
Pictures released yesterday showed the pitch looking brown, dry and sandy, after having apparently applied fertiliser which was supplied by Seamie O’Donnell of Dromore Agricultural Supplies.
The England Manager, Roy Hodgson, fumed:
“The pitch is an absolute disgrace. It’s not fit even for growing potatoes, never mind staging a world-class event. How can the nation expect us to squander chances and needlessly give away possession every few minutes if we’re playing on a sub-standard surface? I have every intention of taking the issue up directly with this man O’Donnell, just as soon as we’ve played our three games and get back to the UK a week on Wednesday”.
The product, called ‘Dromore Gro-More’, packaged and distributed in O’Donnell’s premises on Clanabogan Road, provides instructions which read, ‘Simply sprinkle your seed all over the grass, stand back and watch! Deadly! Before your very eyes a lush and verdant landscape will appear – perfect for barbeques, cattle, diffing, and international
sporting competitions watched by millions. Easy to use, with no need to lock up pets or put the wee’ans in the house when you’re using it. Apply wearing a gas mask and separate oxygen supply’.
An irate O’Donnell was, however, quick to respond.
“That Hodgson’s got a damned cheek”, he said angrily. “No good for potatoes? Why is he going to have Wayne Rooney playing on it then? You could mistake that boy for a Maris Piper any day of the week. My grass feed is the best in the business”.
However, sources near Dungannon have suggested that the ‘high quality bio-stimulants’ that O’Donnell purports to use for the feed are actually just bags of sand that O’Donnell lifted from the beach at Bundoran at Easter.
Meanwhile, officials in Brazil this morning confirmed that in desperation groundsmen are applying a coat of green ‘paint’ to the pitch, which was apparently supplied ‘on the cheap’ by a firm in Clonoe.
Dromore Boy’s Birthday Ruined As Father Paints Bedroom Carrickmore Colours
An 8-year-old Dromore GAA fanatic’s birthday was officially ‘his worst ever’ after his father’s surprise bedroom makeover ended in tears and accusations of deliberate tampering.
Kieran McCullagh, who plays under 10 for the club and never misses a match at all levels, was told to go to his room after the cake as there was a great surprise in there for him. His uncle, Kevin, described the scene:
“You could hear the screams. Young Kieran’s parents aren’t really into the football and trusted the painter to get the right paint for the job. Unfortunately, the painter was a Carrickmore man by the name of McGarrity who is now claiming Mr and Mrs McCullagh asked him for a bedroom of football colours, not specifically Dromore. The whole room is green, white and orange – not his beloved Dromore blue and white. A catastrophe.”
Jack McCullagh is adamant he told the painter to decorate it in Dromore GAA colours:
“I definitely told him Dromore. This is a handlin and a half. I tried to tell our Kieran sure it’s the Ireland colours and he cried even harder as that made no sense at all with pictures of Conor Gormley and Oz McCallan all over the show. And a big Carrickmore crest. McGarrity is accepting no refunds. He’s done this on purpose but according to my son I’ve made a balls of this.”
Investigations are suggesting that McGarrity has a history of this with stories leaking about deliberate sabotage across the country. A Tattyreagh mother claims he once decorated her daughter’s bedroom with Cliff Richard wallpaper after she had instructed him to modernise it with some singers from the XFactor or something like that.
“He’s a bollocks,” she told us.
“White-Van Men” – The Sexiest In Tyrone
A door-to-door survey has revealed that white-van men make Tyrone women go weak at the knees, surpassing firemen for the first time in 150 years. An emphatic 99% of women from as far apart as Castlederg and Moortown say that the sight of a man in a white van makes their jaw drop and brightens up their day no end. A further 88% say the dirtier the van the better.
Julie Tierney, a musician from the Moy, explained:
“Ah Jaysus don’t talk. About 25 years ago my boiler was being served by what could only be described as the ugliest man I’d ever set eyes on. He had a big bushy moustache that seemed to hold the contents of his last week’s meals in it. He was about 22 stone yet only 5 feet tall. It was a shocking experience. However, as he left I saw him climb into this Ford Transit van that was covered in dung from top to bottom. But you could tell it was a white van. I immediately fell in love with this man and we’ve been married 24 years now and have 9 middlin looking children.”
The survey also specified that the dirtier the man and van the better. Julie shouted:
“Yes, we don’t really fall for the men in suits delivering Asda stuff or Powerscreen men and the like. It’s the plumbers, plasterers, joiners, sparks and general hands-on men with spanners in their back pockets, filthy nails and knee-torn jeans that are hanging off them that turn us weak at the knees. Jaysus I’m getting all bothered here thinking about them.”
The Greenvale in Cookstown has seen a rise in men turning up for the discos in white vans since the findings of the survey were published. Chief fireman Pat Mangan claims it’s only a flash in the pan:
“Bastards. Them and their oul white rust buckets. We’ll up our game in the morning. Women can’t resist the sight of a man wrestling with a hose. Cats will be washed down from trees in future.”
Dromore Speed-Dating Night Sees 0% Success
The much anticipated Dromore speed-dating night has thrown up no relationships despite the presence of 30 men and 30 women desperate for a partner. The organisers, Get The Singles Off The Streets, say they were extremely disappointed at the results and predict another slow decade of marriages in the village.
“I can’t believe no one liked anyone. In fact, our online results show that 80% of those who took part now hated each other more than ever. This is bleak news. Having observed some of the questioning techniques I think we need to do a crash course in chat-up lines. It was obvious that some of the fellas, especially those in the 45-54 category, were well out of practice. I overheard one man tell a prospective partner that he loved travelling. When asked where he has travelled, he told her that he took a scoot out to Bundoran last weekend. I could see the pretty lady shake her head despondingly.”
36 year old Rylan McMenamin, a self-employed trampolinist, reckons it’s the last time he’ll attend one of those nights:
“It was pure dung like. I asked this girl if she liked making stuff and she said she liked making scones and soda bread on a hearth. I was thinking this is the girl for me but to be sure I asked if she cleaned up after herself when the food was ate. She just got up and walked off. These women don’t know what men want.”
Cathy Dornan, a 26-year old needle-maker, was equally unimpressed:
“Dromore men are like no other. There was one lad who was the best of a bad bunch and I was prepared to give it a go. As a final question I asked him if he liked kissing and stuff. He laughed and said ‘sure that’s teenage stuff – I’m more into ripping the knickers clane off me wemen’ and then flashed the worst set of teeth I’ve ever seen. I nearly fainted.”
The Dromore Speed-Dating Night 2 has been cancelled.
Moy Unveil New VIP Section In Stand For New Season. Donaghmore Furious.
Moy GFC this morning unveiled their Premier Viewing Section at their ground on the Benburb Road, becoming the second Tyrone club to do so after the failed Dromore attempt in 1988. Dignitaries such as Plunkett Donaghy and Dr Kennedy from Neighbours attended the opening although photographers from Donaghmore boycotted the event. Moy treasurer Ronnie McGeown cut the ribbon which was actually a bit of police tape the PSNI left behind during a raid last year. The section consists of a perfect square at the top right hand corner of the stand allowing 8 or 10 people to squeeze into. McGeown believes this will become the norm around the county before long:
“Myself and a couple of lads were finding it increasingly irritating to stand with the ordinary man watching a match, what with their foul language and snorting and stuff. We came up with an idea of a VIP section season ticket that will allow six home fans and four away who possess a certain level of respectability to sit together in the top corner with four-foot perspex glass around them. We will provide fine English cheeses and a glass or two of Chilean Merlot. Free wifi will also allow the VIPs to do business transections or arrange social gatherings for the Tatler. We will maybe throw the leftovers to the non-VIP shower at half time like bits of cabbage etc.”
Donaghmore GFC are said to be furious that they have been surpassed as the poshest club in Tyrone. Chairperson Henrietta Winklebottom did not hold back:
“Who do they think they are? Have you ever been to the Moy or Benburb? Shit-kickers we call them. Always covered in crap. We’ve been picking bits of Venezuelan Pork from between out teeth at matches long before the Moy had running water. I had a look at the so-called VIP section. It’s like an exclusion zone for foot and mouth sows. This is just like the time Dromore tried it. They made the VIPs stand on bicycles.”
All six tickets home tickets have been sold for this weekend’s visit of Derrylaughan. The Kevin Barrys were not offered their allocation of four on the grounds that it would be pointless. A VIP season ticket costs £600 or £100 per game.
Drumquin Man Recovering From Salad Intolerance
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Craigavon Hospital confirmed last night that it has received its first case of someone suffering from salad intolerance.
“We admitted a 29 year old male yesterday evening where he was treated for a severe adverse reaction to a potentially lethal cocktail which we believe included rocket, watercress and balsamic vinegar” said a hospital spokesperson. “This morning however he has had a big feed and appears to be improving”.
The man in question, bus driver Patsy McGee from Drumquin, gingerly admitted:
“It was tara boys. Yesterday evening the wife gave me salad for my tea which I don’t think I’ve had before, but she was off to the zumba and didn’t have time to make anything else. About an hour later I was having these chronic stomach pains and some mad hallucinations about Kimberley Mikados. I can’t remember much after that”.
Fearful that her husband was having a stroke, his wife Rose immediately dialled 999.
“He was wrecking away in the ambulance, trying to eat the gel for thon defibrillator thing. He was just rambling and kept yelling ‘wagon wheels’ at the paramedic. It got even worse in the ward. He almost dragged three nurses with him trying to escape into the corridor, and there was bugger all out there apart from a fire extinguisher and one of them chocolate machines. They had to sedate him. Poor soul”.
Health officials fear that this could turn into an epidemic across Tyrone, although the intolerance is not thought to be infectious. A woman from Dromore was also admitted to hospital yesterday ranting ‘get me the Tayto’ after having eaten two slices of Ryvita bread for lunch, although the two incidents are not thought to be related.
Greedy Dromore Father Fools Children On Mother’s Day
A devious Dromore daddy, who conned his children into thinking he was their mother this morning whilst the mother herself was out tending to the cattle, was this afternoon hanging his head in shame around the back of the house. Barney McCarron, who recently celebrated his birthday as well, put on his wife’s nightgown and hair rollers whilst she toiled outside doing the early shift dunging out the yard from 5am. The eldest child, Cathair (9), was the first to fall for it:
“Jaysus he’s some bollocks. I saw the hair rollers above the duvet just and didn’t want to wake ‘mummy’ on her special day so I just left the Ferrero Rocher and scratch cards beside the bed. About twenty minutes later I brought my younger sister in who had prepared her a breakfast and ‘she’ was still asleep but I saw that the chocolates had been eaten and the cards scratched. We left the breakfast beside her again and left.”
The scam was uncovered when the actual mother, Kitty McCarron, returned to the house in clabber to the throat. Having established what had just happened, all three pounded up the stairs and caught Barney finishing off the black pudding, still with the rollers in.
“Well, you could have heard the slap in Tattyreagh. My mother kicked the dung clean out of him for the guts of an hour, calling him things I’d never even heard before. He’s out the back at the minute sulking with her nightie still on. I can’t see things thawing in this house until he does something big to compensate. He tried to compliment her on how tidy the yard looked but that just made it worse. She was a fearsome sight with the eyes bulging and her covered in manure from top to toe. Some handlin.”
Neighbours have rallied around and brought Kitty some buns whilst shouting obscenities at Barney on the way out.
Dromore Bankrupt After Bad Santa. Nativity Play Worse.
Dromore this morning is reeling from the news that yesterday’s Santa visit to the community hall coupled with the riotous behaviour after the nativity play has cost the village £1.2m. Plans are already in place to raise funds over the next five years with talk of the next few Christmases being low-key affairs or even cancelled until they foot the bill. What hurt the committee even more this morning was the realisation that they had hired the worse Santa in living memory and the farcical scenes during the much-anticipated festive play. Gerard McAllister, chairman of the Dromore Christmas Society, explains:
“We knew we were in trouble when Santa pulled up in the back of a pick-up truck which sped off in the Omagh direction. The fact that he was a woman was one obstacle to overcome – reeking of drink doubled the disappointment. With 300 expectant children and parents waiting in the hall, I had no option but to sober her up. It was then that she demanded her cheque up front – £500’000. Our treasurer had booked her through an advert in the Irish News without thrashing out a deal beforehand. It turned out she was a Men’s Club Stripping Santa. After a bit of pushing, slapping and shoving we agreed to write out the cheque as long as she kept her clothes on whilst dishing out the gifts which we also had to find at short notice. We scoured the changing rooms and managed to gather old socks, deodorant and dirty shorts to wrap. Anything lying about was considered. Although the children were a bit confused with the cleavage, lipstick and blonde hair, she kept it professional and only blew kisses and winked at a couple of fathers.”
Things went from bad to worse minutes before the Nativity play was to commence. Half the cast, all male, left to go with the Santa into Belfast. That left them without a Joseph, two wise kings and baby Jesus. Beforehand they were just worried about the depiction of Mary who was being played by McAllister’s mother, 86-year old Jenny McAllister.
“It didn’t take long before the boos were raining down on us. You have to understand how short the notice was. We managed to convince 5-year-old Harry Behan to play Joseph and he has an awful stutter. One of the Wise Kings was played by my 12-year-old border collie Rufus, and Mary gave birth to a melon in a blanket. It was all we had. Well, the crowd started to cut up rough. The children had opened their presents by this stage and the contents were being used as missiles. Studs, y-fronts and Deep Heat tubes were arrowing up on stage. Rufus got nervous and started piddling in the crib, ate the melon and then bit young Harry. It was awful. Just awful. I understood their anger. We’d charged them £30 in for this.”
The proceeding village riot cost an estimate £700’000 in damages. Barns were set alight and the traffic lights defaced. Fund-raising starts tonight with a wet sponge throwing stall. McAllister has volunteered to take the hits.