Monthly Archives: December 2023
Plumbers Make Up To £6000-a-day Over Christmas Period Fixing Blocked Toilets
Heavy eating over the festive period has seen plumbing rocket to the best-paid trade in the country, with some plumbers making over £6000 a day due to emergency call-outs because of blocked toilets.
In what is known in the business as the plumbers’ ‘Brown Friday‘, the day after Christmas is considered the most lucrative day for plumbers, with many earning enough to afford foreign holidays between the 27th-31st December, returning again on New Year’s Day to face another day of unblocking drains for astronomical prices.
Dungannon plumber, Davy McCann, explained:
“I don’t know if people are just bigger eaters now or toilets are getting smaller, but the amount of blocked toilets is through the roof around Christmas these last few years. I had 7 call-outs on Christmas Day this year, and I charge £500 a call out. It’s a love/hate day. I make a fortune, but sometimes it’s hard wading through other people’s s**te when you are half-cut yourself. It puts the dung in Dungannon alright.”
New Year’s Day is expected to be another heavy day for plumbers, with many families ridding the house of leftovers before the health kick.
Government Files Release Reveals DUP Wanted To Tarmac All Of Lough Neagh For Marching Practice
PRONI’s release of previously declassified government files under its 20-year rule, making them available to the public, has revealed that the DUP debated a motion to tarmac the whole of Lough Neagh and use it as an all-year-around practice arena for marching.
The motion, which was narrowly defeated at the DUP AGM by 52 votes to 51, wobbled after it emerged the tarmacking team would probably come from Longford or Westmeath which may have benefitted the southern government.
The Lough Neagh Marching Arena blueprint was drawn up by an architect in Portadown. It involved a big lane for drummers, a big lane for instrumentalists and a big lane for the ones who throw the stick. There were also going to be over 20’000 cones used to replicate corners and bends in the road.
Sammy Knettles, an ex-DUP whip, remembers the debate well:
“It was going to be majestic. We’d allow the schools to use it too, to get them started early into the marching. We were even going to have fake lamp posts up and all with flags on them to replicate the glorious day. It just unravelled a bit when we found out that 99.5% of tarmackers are from the south.”
In other releases, confidential papers from the time suggest the UUP was thinking of starting up a GAA team in the early 00s to cash in on the Celtic Tiger boom. Ken Maginnis had already impressed in trials and was being monitored by Dungannon Clarkes.
New Soup Ice Lolly Cafe A Real Hit, With Massive Queues In Ardboe
An Ardboe cafe specialising in soup ice lollies has had to turn away dozens of customers after selling out of stock, with tomato soup ice lollies proving to be the best seller, followed closely by minestrone ice lollies.
Jules Grayham, who stumbled upon the idea after freezing her own soup after accidentally dropping a spoon in it, maintains that her vegetable soup ice lolly will eventually take the number one slot as soon as she finds an alternative to carrots which don’t freeze well.
“Yeah, it’s been hectic. I’m just happy to see people licking my soup. Tomato and minestrone is doing well but I’ve big plans for vegetable soup ice lollies with a side dish of croutons. Even the beef soup ice lollies is extremely popular, especially with lorry drivers. They just love soup on a stick whilst trucking about”
The cafe, named Soup Herb, is running an introductory deal this weekend. One soup ice-lolly is retailing at £3 but you can get two for £5.50 or three for a tenner.
Uproar As Omagh Cafe Charges Customers £3 For Cutting Sandwiches In Two
A new cafe, which opened in Omagh this week, has already angered customers after it emerged they add £3 onto the bill if you want your sandwich cut in half.
‘Mugged’, which offers a range of teas, coffees and sandwiches, as well as some heated food such as sausage rolls and soup, has defended the charge of cutting the sandwiches, as well as reminding customers that they would get the same charge if they got out of Omagh and went somewhere like Italy or Greece.
Mugged owner Sammy Finch added:
“People want something for nothing these days. If you want a sandwich cut in two, it takes time to take the order, use a knife and possibly a new plate and napkin. These things don’t grow on trees. Also, there is a hidden danger with using a knife and a risk assessment is taken every time someone wants this style of sandwich”
Local shopper, Mary Grant, fumed after she was charged £6 for asking that her two sandwiches be cut in two:
“The sandwiches were £2.99 each, the tea was £1.99 and then the cutting of the sandwiches stung me for £6. I couldn’t enjoy the sandwiches after they told me the cost and I ended up near choking on one. I was afraid they’d charge me for choking too so I kept the noise down.”
Mugged is open Monday to Saturday from 11am-4pm and does not allow people to charge their laptops in the plug sockets.
Tyrone Tribulations 