Monthly Archives: November 2023
Eskra Man Given Last Warning For Washing Towels After One Use. Hot Press Or Leave.
An Eskra plumber has been given a final warning by his infuriated wife after throwing FIVE different towels into the wash basket on FIVE consecutive days.
Kevin Seery, who is regarded as one of the finest toilet menders in the county, has told friends that if he doesn’t reuse a towel or put it back in the hot press the next time, he has been ordered to go back to living with his mother who is described as cranky and cantankerous by local business owners.
Mrs Veronica Seery explained:
“I’d normally be mild-mannered and come from a long line of tolerant Maguire women, but this bastard is on his last legs. Last Saturday I counted 7 towels in the basket, 5 used by him. I’ve been through three washing machines in the last five years and it’s him and his towels that’s wrecking them. My children reuse a towel for a fortnight. I’ve never seen him open that hot press once.”
Mr Seery attempted to explain to his wife that he gets covered in all types of excrement in his line of work but was swiftly given an uppercut.
American Woman Disappointed Coalisland Isn’t An Island. Calls For Town To Be Renamed.
A 45-year old woman from Arizona has called for Coalisland to be renamed after she flew 5000 miles to visit the town ‘which sounded magical on the map, like an island full of coal’, after seeing an image of it from 100 years ago on Google.
Mandy Power, who planned on swimming from Dungannon to Coalisland instead of getting a boat, picked the town out on a map during a moment of madness after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels on a Sunday night and jumped on a plane the following morning.
She added:
“When I arrived at the roundabout in Dungannon, I looked for the boats or pier and couldn’t see any. I asked a local man how to get to this Coalisland. He said to take the Coalisland Road past the ‘Dork field and then keep going on the Dungannon Road but not to take a wrong turn at the Bush. He said when you see Landi’s you’ll be there in the centre. I asked about the boat and he just threw his eyes up and told me to catch myself on.”
Power stayed a couple of days in Coalisland anyway despite the disappointment and visited Newell Stores nearly every day, bringing home gifts for her family such as sausage rolls and apple tarts. She has called for the town to be renamed.
Omagh ‘Hum’ Mystery Solved As Harte/Devlin Caught Boring ‘Spy Tunnel’ From Derry
The mysterious humming noise which has kept most of Omagh up at night for a week was finally resolved after the Derry management team of Mickey Harte and Gavin Devlin were caught boring a tunnel from Owenbeg in Derry to Healy Park to spy on pre-match team-talks in the McKenna Cup.
The humming noise, which had been wrongly attributed to wind turbines, 5G masts, Kevin McAleer, and the DUP, only stopped late last night after a miscalculation by Devlin. Instead of boring up through the home changing rooms at Healy Park, Devlin and Harte’s heads appeared in the middle of the dancefloor in Sally’s of Omagh. Ironically, the band was playing ‘Back Home In Derry’ at the time.
A tunnel expert from the town explained:
“This is a quite sophisticated tunnel boring machine (TBM) Harte was using. He’d need to be getting paid plenty to afford that. Cutting through the Sperrins is no mean feat, but no better man than Horse Devlin to drive it on. It also explains why we’ve only heard the noise recently in Omagh. Gortin was hearing it the previous week.”
Although Harte refused an interview, a smirking Gavin Devlin confirmed that there’s definitely gold in the Sperrins, ‘or there used to be’ he said whilst winking.
Marchers Declare Marching War On Braverman, As Cavan People Tell Her To Leave Them Out Of It
Marchers from both sides of the community, as well as Pride marchers, trade union marchers, Coalisland Silver Band, and anti-pollution marchers, have declared a marching war on British Home Secretary Suella Braverman after she said people here hate marching. The people of Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan have also warned Braverman to leave them out of it ‘with all this Ulster talk’.
Braverman, who also once said Lough Neagh should be tarmacked over and used as a big jail for people she doesn’t like, didn’t specify which set of marchers she was referring to which has led to a united front from paranoid marchers up and down the country. Errigal Ciaran and Dromore footballers have also joined forces with Irish Marchers United (IMU) after marching behind the band at the county final last month.
In a combined statement, the IMU stated:
“This is ridiculous. We just love marching. Most of our thousands of members march down the stairs every morning to get porridge or whatever breakfast you like personally. Braverman has started a war she will regret. We don’t hate marching at all, and she’ll know all about it when we march around her house for a full week in big boots.”
Additionally, in a statement signed by the people of Donegal, Monaghan and Cavan, British politicians have been told to stop linking them with things that happen in the six counties, ‘or else’. They have also threatened to remove themselves from the province of Ulster to form their own province if this continues. Early names for the new province include ‘Huckster’ and ‘Mainliners’.
Ronan McNamee Spotted Winking At Jim McGuinness At Shop
Recently retired Tyrone legend Ronan McNamee has refused to quell rumours that he may tog out for Donegal in 2024.
The Aghyaran full-back, who was expected to hang up his inter-county boots to concentrate on terrorising club Intermediate forwards in 2024, has Donegal connections as well as a good geographical knowledge of the O’Donnell County. He also, reportedly, recently downloaded the Hills of Donegal as his ringtone on his phone.
Strabane newsagent, Johnny McIlhenny, confirmed that McNamee and McGuinness were in the shop at the same time this morning:
“They were smirking and nodding at each other at the deli counter. McGuinness then pulled out the Irish News and pointed at the McNamee retiring story. Ronan just winked and bought three sausage rolls. It seemed like a done-deal to me.”
When questioned about the incident, McNamee cryptically replied: ‘When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.’
McNamee is a renowned fisherman.
Tyrone Tribulations 