Monthly Archives: November 2020

Priests Told To Make Mass ‘Sexy’ To Keep Numbers Watching High Online

Inter-parish rivalry has reached fever-point after it emerged that numbers watching Masses with a bit of pizzazz were dominating those delivering traditional ceremonies online.

Worshippers have been flocking in their droves on the Internet to parishes with good looking priests who put on nice quick masses interspersed with some modern music and raunchy TikTok dancing from readers and sacristans.

Derryloran, Lissan and Tamlaght parishes have seen numbers tally through the roof as mass-watchers jump ship from neighbouring parishes due to mundane and traditional services.

Fr Campbell, who was asked by his bosses to ‘up his game’, ranted:

“TRAITORS! That’s what I think of my congregation who haven’t logged on once to me but are spotted watching the parish up the road. I have all their IP addresses logged and believe you me, the next time they come looking absolution in confessions they’ll be on their knees a long time. B*s*ards!”

Meanwhile, Vatican officials have asked some parishes to tone down the erotic TikTok dancing during hymn singing as it may see conversions to other denominations from older followers who are dismayed at all the sudden flesh on show.

East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues

In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.

Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.

ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:

“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”

Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.

Trump Demanding Recounts In Leisure Centres ‘Like Omagh’

Omagh’s Leisure Complex has become the centre of a dispute between American presidential candidate Donald Trump and authorities after he demanded that all votes are recounted like the way they do in Tyrone’s capital.

Trump, who once tried to build a golf course in Brackaville before being scared off by a resident goat, wants all the counters to wear blue tabards and for winners to shout ‘yeeeeooo’ or sing a hymn depending on their nature.

A White House spokesperson added:

“Yes Trump often sat up all night with popcorn and eating cabbage and spuds whilst glued to what’s going on in Omagh Leisure Centre or even in Magherafelt. He likes the transparency and speed of it all and even shouted ‘yeeeeeoo’ no matter who won.”

It is believed that Biden is opposed to the idea, citing the time six counters delayed the final outcome of a count in Omagh in 2012 by all going home, thinking they’d left the immersion heater on.

Meanwhile, Biden has promised that one of the first things he’ll do if elected is turn the mountains of Pomeroy into a World Heritage Site.

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