Priests Told To Make Mass ‘Sexy’ To Keep Numbers Watching High Online
Inter-parish rivalry has reached fever-point after it emerged that numbers watching Masses with a bit of pizzazz were dominating those delivering traditional ceremonies online.
Worshippers have been flocking in their droves on the Internet to parishes with good looking priests who put on nice quick masses interspersed with some modern music and raunchy TikTok dancing from readers and sacristans.
Derryloran, Lissan and Tamlaght parishes have seen numbers tally through the roof as mass-watchers jump ship from neighbouring parishes due to mundane and traditional services.
Fr Campbell, who was asked by his bosses to ‘up his game’, ranted:
“TRAITORS! That’s what I think of my congregation who haven’t logged on once to me but are spotted watching the parish up the road. I have all their IP addresses logged and believe you me, the next time they come looking absolution in confessions they’ll be on their knees a long time. B*s*ards!”
Meanwhile, Vatican officials have asked some parishes to tone down the erotic TikTok dancing during hymn singing as it may see conversions to other denominations from older followers who are dismayed at all the sudden flesh on show.