Monthly Archives: October 2022
Brand New Second-Hand Car Dealership Opens In Cookstown Amidst Confusion Over Name
A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.
BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.
Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:
“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”
When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.
Rock Anglers Delighted That Irish Women’s Soccer Team Finally Acknowledge Them
The Rock Anglers (RA) have expressed their gratitude that the Irish Women’s Soccer side has finally shone a national light on their achievement of being the fastest-growing angling club in Tyrone since 1991, by singing about them after qualifying for the World Cup.
The RA, who fish mostly in the River Blackwater for salmon and brown trout, currently has over 30 anglers ranging from the ages of 13 to 81, and recently went on an excursion to Wexford although no one caught anything apart from the 81-year-old who nearly caught his end after a drenching in Arklow.
“We’re just delighted that us in the RA now have the recognition we deserved. Our only hope now is that the women’s team maintain the momentum and bring the RA singing to the world stage in Australia and New Zealand next year. Dunno why them DUP ones don’t like us. We catch catholic and protestant fish.”
The RA have brought out their own CD which includes their hit singles ‘Come Out You Pike and Bream’ and ‘You Can Stick Yer Angling Licences Up Your Hole’.
Netflix To Make Series On Coalisland Roundabout Stand-Off
In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.
The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.
The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.
Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:
“Aye I’d never heard of it.”
The roundabout was never used again.
Tyrone Tribulations 