Category Archives: Derrytresk

Derrytresk To Trial Viagra Supplement For Upcoming Season

Following the news that the Argentinian soccer side are to use a concoction of drugs including Viagra in order to counteract the high altitude in Bolivia, Derrytresk senior team are to trial using a similar product to help bring home the points from higher up places like Drumquin, Glenelly and Newtownstewart.

The innovative season-long diet, which also involves a no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend policy for 48 hours before game, is the first of its kind in Tyrone and is certain to prick a few eyebrows as the season progresses. Backroom trainer Harry ‘the buck’ Fitzgerald maintains it’s worth a go:

“If it’s good enough for Messi, it’s good enough for our boys. We need something that is going to raise performances and we think Viagra is the job. We’re hoping to reach heights we’ve never reached before and really stick it to the opposition, especially up in the mountains. We’ve tried it in training and I’ve seen lads do things I’ve never seen done before on a football field. We had balls flying all over the place. We’re trend-setters.”

Unfortunately, not all members of the backroom team are fully behind the initiatve. The new female physio, Katey O’Hanlon, admits she’s had her work cut out during friendlies already:

“This Viagra is playing havoc with the lads’ groins. I’m on the field every three minutes attending to them despite them being hardened athletes. Sometimes I’ve three on the go at the one time and no amount of rubbing seems to settle the issue. But the managers know best. They’re upstanding members of the community.”

Three long-married squad members have asked if the partner ban can be doubled, before AND after the match. Others claim to have side effects such as lack of sleep, with one prominent forward complaining that he’s up all night and another complaining about unusual stiffness for days after.

Derrytresk’s first opponents, Brackaville, are bracing themselves.

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Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year

 

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CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY

Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.

 

The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on  Harte’s men.

A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:

“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”

The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.

Our Tyrone source explained:

“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”

Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.

New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’

blank_x_box_one_cover_by_unknownsoldier9865-d6y95lvA new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.

After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.

In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:

NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!

  • ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
  • EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
  • OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
  • DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
  • CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
  • TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
  • DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!

NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!

  • JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
  • SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
  • DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
  • 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
  • MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!

NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!

  • CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
  • MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
  • UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
  • REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
  • SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.

NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!

  • JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
  • MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
  • TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
  • MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
  • and much, much more

Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99

What’s On Tyrone TV This Weekend

old-television-set

Saturday

10am: COULEdendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’

12pm: POINTLESSfly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit

4pm: GAME OF THRONESReality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne

6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better

9.45pm: CINDERELLAReality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit

11pm: OPEN ALL HOURSComedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads

 

Sunday

9am: TOP GEARLight entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline

11am: UPEmotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season

1pm: SKYFALL Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down

3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance

5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANASStory of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August

7:30pm: – PHILOMENAAutobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim

10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND –  Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’

dictionaryA new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.

The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.

As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:

‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.

Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:

“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”

Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.

Alligator Attacks Derrytresk’s New Female Outdoor Synchronised Swimming Team

alliSeveral Derrytresk women are said to be ‘shook up a bit’ after their synchronised swimming team were savaged by an alligator in a field at the Annaghmore bend.

The recent floods have been so persistent that a local watersports executive was set up to utilise the situation and initiate a range of aqua-based activities including water polo, snorkelling and Olympic scuba-diving.

Coupled with the news that Derrytresk is to be re-categorised as an official Irish rainforest, the area has been a hive of outdoor activity on a par with Sydney according to tourists.

However, the recent alligator attack has forced the executive to carry out a health and safety check, confirmed today by Aqua-Sports Derrytresk Overseer Jamie Fitzgerald:

“The alligator attack was a bit of a surprise given that they’re native only to America and China. This is either global warming or someone has brought one home from the States and threw it in for badness. In any case, Linda Hanna has a bite on her leg and the description she gave us of the assailant sounds like an alligator. She said it was scaly, had dead eyes and smelt fishy.”

The Derrytresk Synchronised Swimmers were due to compete in the Mid-Ulster Championships against the Magherafelt Mummies, their first indoor competition since their formation a month ago. Problems have beset the team recently, including an unsightly public argument over the swimming costumes. Fitzgerald added:

“Yes, that was an extremely unseemly brawl outside the GAA club. Personally, I thought the skimpy outfits might get more votes but the majority settled on old-fashioned woollen attire, covering nearly everything. But no need to be punching the heads off each other.”

Local alligator hunter Sean McCourt has been summonsed to the fields with a hammer and a rope.

 

 

Swans On Anti-Depressants After Viewing Episodes Of EastEnders Through Flooded Derrytresk Man’s Window

682507383_4dd5c0fd4c_bA leading swan psychologist at the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has confirmed he had to prescribe anti-depressants to a flock of swans who watched thirty-three episodes of EastEnders through the window of a house which had unfortunately witnessed high levels of flooding around it.

The swans, which were displaying heightened levels of agitated and violent behaviour towards their immediate families after viewing the programme, were said to be addicted to the goings-on in and around Albert Square and began impatiently pecking at the Derrytresk man’s window from sunrise, forcing Mr Quinn to stick on pre-recorded episodes of the English soap opera.

Professor Gilbery Mollyed explained:

“Because of the high levels of flooding, the swans were able to comfortably view what Dot Cotton and Phil Mitchell were up to on the fictional London community, through Mr Quinn’s good room window. However, the pessimisitc plotlines appear to have had a detrimental effect on the birds, causing them to become irrationally short-tempered with each other and develop unusual addictions to alcohol. I’ve had to prescribe over 500 doses of Prozac to just 200 Lough Neagh swans.

Mr Quinn, who was acutely aware of the Swans’ affection for the popular BBC show, revealed he attempted to wean them off the programme:

“They were fighting and slapping and flapping at each other to get a better view through my window and I couldn’t hear the damn show through their crying and squawking. I turned over to Mrs Brown’s Boys and they went clean mad pecking at my window to the point that I thought the house was going to come down around me. I had to return to an old recorded episode of EastEnders with Dirty Den in it to calm them down.

Mr Quinn also revealed they liked watching Emmerdale, the 7 O’Clock News on Channel 4 and The Angelus on RTE.

Derrytresk Folk Starting To Develop Scaly Complexion After Latest Deluge Of Rain

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Derrytresk man in 10 years?

An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.

The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.

Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.

“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”

Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:

“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”

Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.

 

 

UN Relief Ships Turn Back As Annaghbeg-Derrytresk Bridge Re-Opens

Derrytesk man makes break for pub

Derrytesk man makes break for pub

After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.

Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.

Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:

“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”

UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:

“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”

Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.

Derrytresk Wannabe Chef Shocks Locals During MasterChef Appearance

Butterhead lettuce isolated on white

Bonfires of lettuces littered the Derrytresk skyline this morning after local budding chef Jamsie McGarrell revealed the secret behind his succulent vegetables live on MasterChef on BBC2 last night.

The special episode, which was recorded live in London in front of an audience of 400 spectators, allowed contestants to bring in their own home-grown produce and make a signature dish.

McGarrell, who took first place with his ‘bacon and lettuce surprise‘, was heavily complimented on his wonderful vegetables, particularly his vibrant and ‘utterly memorable‘ lettuce, according to joint presenter Gregg Wallace.

When asked what the secret was to his outstanding quality of lettuce, McGarrell took a deep breath before adding:

“Pish. I pish on them at night.”

Filming was stopped and viewers were shown an old episode of Tom and Jerry as Wallace and co-presenter John Torode visited the men’s room due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’. A much paler Wallace emerged six minutes later to wrap up the live show.

Reaction in Derrytresk has been described as ‘confused’ as people were witnessed retching and vomiting in their gardens from last night until the early hours of the morning. Local wag and non-veg dieter Pete Campbell revealed he hasn’t laughed so much in a long time:

“McGarrell was making a mint selling his ‘Lovely Lettuce’ brand to nearly every house in the town land. People were mad for it and you’d even see men chewing on his lettuce whilst driving the motor or in Mass even. This is a turn-up for the books alright. I’m glad I just like the meat.”

McGarrell’s revelation explains away the three accusations of ‘indecent exposure’ in the last year which he managed to overturn by offering judge and jury free ‘lovely lettuces‘ for a year.

Tyrone School Searches Pupils For Banned Black Puddings

Black puddings and spuds

Black puddings and spuds

An East Tyrone school has been accused of applying Draconian tactics after it emerged that black puddings were the latest cause of hyperactivity in children according to a report someone read in a magazine in Canada.

Kiltytresk P.S. reportedly searched the bags of all 200 pupils in their large rural school for the foodstuff after their Board of Governors banned the traditional blood sausage from their premises. A local journalist confirmed that over 40 pupils were caught with black puddings hidden in the lining of their school bags with some pupils stuffing it down their socks in a ploy to evade detection.

Headmaster Leo Pope confirmed there will be no backing down from their new ruling:

“In recent weeks we’d eliminated chocolate, fizzy drinks and crisps from our school menu but the children are still running amok. It wasn’t until one of the staff mentioned they’d read an article in a magazine in Toronto about 30 years ago which criticised the endorphins released by the pork blood, encouraging young people to squeal and jump like pigs, that we realised we’d been sitting on a time bomb here.”

A recent survey in the Kiltytresk townland showed that, on average, over 89% of children under the age of 16 eat up to ten black puddings a day.

“We’ve promised to set up black pudding help lines and courses for people weaning off the substance, especially at that age. A lot of people in East Tyrone are dependent on black puddings, far more than they’d care to let on.”

PSNI officials have warned underground black pudding vendors outside the school that they’ll shoot on sight.

Pomeroy Point Finger At Fifa After Derrytresk Defeat

Hill Man?

Hill Man?

Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.

The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.

Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:

“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”

External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.

“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”

Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:

“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”

The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.

Derrytresk Man May Have Been Responsible For Crack In Windsor Park Stand

1942979376a8316590500lA Derrytresk Health and Safety Officer, in his first formal job, appears to have dug a hole with a family spade behind the stand ‘to see what their turf was like’ which led to a large crack forming in the West Stand, affectionately known as ‘The Kop’. 

Fergal Fitzgerald (24), who qualified as a structural engineer last month, was given the task of overseeing a new toilet which was to be built behind the stand after a report in the Belfast Telegraph indicated a rise in weak bladders amongst Ulster men in 2015.

Witnesses suggest Fitzgerald said something about wanting to know if Belfast had ‘good burning turf‘ before digging furiously on his own behind the now-damaged stand with a spade from the boot of his car.

Fitzgerald’s university lecturer, Professor Lingard, maintains he is not surprised with the development:

“Fergal is a very clever man and qualified with a First but has a weakness for turf and peat. For part of his Field Work during his final year at Queen’s University we took his class to Pisa in Italy to examine the Leaning Tower. When my back was turned he started digging with his ‘family spade’ around the tower because he wanted to know what Italian turf was like to burn. He nearly toppled the thing. The Italians weren’t very happy.”

Despite good character references, a Loyalist paramilitary group called ‘We’re Not Brazil We’ll Kill Ye’ issued a statement warning Derrytresk residents to stay away from Windsor Park and that anyone seen in the ground wearing a checked shirt and carrying a spade will be deemed a legitimate target.

False Alarm As Derrytresk Man Has Breakdown After Hearing One Direction News

Man's car breaks down

Man’s car breaks down

The family of a Derrytresk joiner have reassured friends and family that reports of a breakdown are wide of the mark, after the news that One Direction’s Zayn Malik is leaving the band with immediate effect caused confusion between various organisations.

Patsy Fitzgerald (49), who had no previous knowledge of the band, experienced a breakdown just as Stephen Nolan announced the news on Radio Ulster yesterday morning. Fitzgerald phoned his wife in obvious distress, informing her that he didn’t think he could go on any further. Debbie Fitzgerald (48), a One Direction fan who was at the time trying to let the surprising news of her favourite singer’s decision sink in, panicked and immediately phoned the Samaritans who arrived with Fitzgerald within 20 mins on the Annaghmore Road.

Fitzgerald explained:

“I’d been ignoring the oil light, break light, water light and heating light on the Datsun for months but it finally all packed in this morning. Conked out. I phoned herself to get someone to tow me in but before I knew it a man and a woman arrived and put their arms around me and told me it’d be ok…that these things take time to heal. I just wanted the motor towed to be honest.”

The Samaritans persisted for two and a half hours, trying different tactics to reassure Fitzgerald that he’d get over this eventually and to think of the good things he had in his life.

“I found myself blurting and crying, thinking about the money I’d have to pump into the motor now to fix it. Thank God these Samaritans were about or I’d probably have headed to the club and gambled my sorrows away.”

The confusion worsened after the AA arrived to help Fitzgerald with the 1988 Datsun with the Samaritans angry that he hadn’t told them he was an alcoholic.

‘The Little Book Of Derrytresk’ Not Selling Well

p646_1Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.

The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:

“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”

Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:

“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”

Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:

“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “

The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.

Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man

A sight under threat with the new agreement

A sight under threat with the new agreement

As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.

Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.

McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.

“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”

Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.

“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”

The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.

What’s On Tyrone TV Over Christmas


Christmas-Specials-TV-Guide-2013

CHRISTMAS EVE

10am: COULEdendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’

12pm: POINTLESSfly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit

4pm: GAME OF THRONESReality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne

6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better

9.45pm: CINDERELLAReality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit

11pm: OPEN ALL HOURSComedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads

 

CHRISTMAS DAY

9am: TOP GEARLight entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline

11am: UPEmotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season

1pm: SKYFALL Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down

3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance

5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANASStory of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July

7:30pm: – PHILOMENAAutobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim

10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND –  Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown

Derrytresk Man Goes Public After Winning £25 on Lotto

McNeill celebrates in Cohannon Inn

McNeill celebrates in Cohannon Inn

A Derrytresk stove-fitter has admitted to experiencing an unbearable level of stress in the aftermath of a £25 windfall in the weekend’s UK Lottery, forcing him to call a media conference to announce his stroke of luck.

Terence McNeill, who claims to have been on the receiving end of dirty looks since the rumour started, admitted he may move away from the area or at least go on a long holiday to Bundoran or even further.

At the press meeting near Tamnamore Roundabout, McNeill revealed how he managed to land the winnings, whilst spraying the assembled photographers with a magnum of Shloer:

“It was the numbers 1, 2 and 3 that got me the money. I always choose those numbers as I remember they were the first numbers I was taught in school. I couldn’t sleep that night but believe it or not I thought I’d won only a tenner. I didn’t know it had gone up til £25. Nearly had a heart attack when the woman handed me the money in the Spar.”

Word soon got out in the sleepy town-land of the influx of wealth, leaving McNeill feeling ‘alone’ and ‘confused’.

“I could overhear people saying things like ‘who does that hoor think he is?’ or ‘stuffy-nosed oul bollocks’ and stuff like that. Then came the beggars from the Church, the GAA club and the local gay and lesbian society. I had to call this conference to announce I’m giving nothing to anyone and for locals to respect my privacy. Just feck off.”

The Spar have cashed in on the winning ticket exposure by erecting a temporary sign with the words ‘Big Lotto Winner Bought It Here’ and putting on a 2-HP Sauce-for-1 deal.

Meanwhile, Edendork’s Jarly Hanson has fled his home after clinching the £20 snowball at Edendork Hall bingo last week.

 

Barry McElduff Won’t Bare Arse For Carrickmore Christmas Calendar

A fully clothed MLA

A fully clothed MLA

Despite pressure from friends and family, it is rumoured that Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff will not be baring his backside in a Kim Kardashian-style photo-shoot to raise money for the flooded areas around Derrytresk.

Carrickmore have confirmed that the calendar will go ahead with one definite photo already leaked on social media of Conor Gormley wearing only dungarees and shovelling manure in a field, winking at the camera.

The defection of McElduff is a serious blow to calendar photographer Ozzy Corr:

“I had it all worked out in my head. Barry would have his back to the camera, eating maybe a bowl of champ, totally buck naked. I wasn’t sure whether he’d have the glasses on him or not but sure it’s not going to happen now anyway. The poor flooded people of Derrytresk will be devastated to hear the news that Barry’s buns won’t be bared this year anyway.”

Women across Tyrone have described the news as ‘catastrophic’, with one 45-year old from Kildress claiming she hardly feels like bothering with Christmas this year.

“Forget the flooded ones in Derrytresk, what about the females of Tyrone? We have nothing to be looking at all year around and then we’re teased with the possibility of seeing McElduff’s posterior. It’s just cat. Barry won’t be getting my vote next time unless he changes his mind and gets the kit off. Mr Elduff – your county needs you.”

Other confirmed closely-guarded names for the calendar have been hard to acquire but we do know that Owen Mulligan, Malachi Cush, Jimmy McGuinness and Fermanagh journalist Declan Bogue were rumoured to have been spotted wearing suspicious-looking trench coats in various ramparts and ditches around the area over the weekend.

Meanwhile, a Derrytresk Community spokesman has asked for more snorkels to be send to the area urgently.

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