Monthly Archives: September 2022
Eskra Amazon Driver, Caught Keeping “Presents” For Himself, Avoids Jail
A part time driver for amazon has appeared at Omagh Magistrates Court following a police raid on his home which led to the discovery of over 1000kgs of unopened deliveries.
Mickey “tealeaf” Rogers has been handed down a suspended sentence and required to undertake 40 hours community service.
Mr Rogers was also found to be in contempt of court after he requested proceedings be undertaken in Irish, and following lengthy and costly procedures to have this facilitated he just kept repeating “an bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí and leithreas” which according to google means Ireland the Brave, and is tattooed on many Americans.
TT caught up with Mr Rogers outside court, who appeared unrepentant.
“Lucksee, they can say whatever they want like. Them presents were mine. I tried to give them away and nobody answered me.. Fair is fair. Anyway, they can say whatever they want with their fancy wigs. I don’t recognise the court.”
When we pointed out to Mr Rogers that not complying with the court order to undertake community service could lead to further trouble, he told us ‘they can go and shite’.
In other news, with the evenings are fairly getting darker, Barra Best has announced on BBC that, officially, there is no stretch in them at all now.
Moygashel Vendor Caught Selling Flashing Statues And Rosary Beads After Census Figures Revealed
Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.
The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.
Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:
“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”
In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.
Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.
Tyrone Clubs Offered Opposition Teams Stetsons and Belts For League Points Alleges GAA Whistleblower
Tyrone GAA has been rocked by the allegtions that a rash of unusual results on the last day of the league may be linked to bribes and incentives such as new brown boots, clothes for wives and girlfriends, Blame It All On My Roots t-shirts and free CDs of top artists such as Philomena Begley, Big Tom, Hugo Duncan and Malachi Cush.
A whatsapp screenshot leak appears to suggest that two points were offered to a junior club by a rival in the division in exchange for the rights to a bus which had been booked to bring 60 fans down to Croke Park for the Brooks concert last weekend as well as 35 stetsons and over 20 American handkerchieves.
In one of the more blatant examples, a team who had been awarded a penalty managed to work the ball back from the penalty line and score an own goal with 30 seconds left in the game. Players of the fortunate winning team and their partners were all spotted getting off a bus in Drumcondra that night resplendid in new jeans, jen shorts and boots with spurs on them, inebriated.
Authorities in the county have yet to comment on the allegations but have agreed to investigate the stories after Brooks’ 5th concert on Saturday night.
Tyrone Tribulations 