Moygashel Vendor Caught Selling Flashing Statues And Rosary Beads After Census Figures Revealed
Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.
The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.
Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:
“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”
In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.
Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.
Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes
Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.
The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:
“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.
Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:
“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”
Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.
The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.
Experts Predict More Bridges Than People In Omagh By 2020
Following the controversial erection of another bridge in Omagh today, engineering experts have predicted that by 2020 there will be more bridges in the greater Omagh area than people, earning the nickname ‘Little Venice’.
The new bridge, which will not be called the Joe McMahon Bridge despite persistent rumours, is just part of a £4.3m project to make the place look a bit better and it is hoped that Catholics and Protestants will both use the bridge to share stories about what they eat and drink and stuff like that.
Reaction to the bridge has been mixed this morning. Angler Sean Devine told us:
“Like everyone else, I like nothing more than a good bridge but I’d be a bit worried about what these experts are saying. If there are going to be more bridges than people in Omagh it’s going to take the novelty away a bit. Then there’ll be rakes of men with poles on gondolas and trolls and all the side effects of having 20’000 bridges in the town.”
Lisa Foster (24) added:
“I’ve nothing against meeting Catholics on bridges and already this morning I’ve spoken to about five and shared spices and toiletries but the seasickness is killing us. Everywhere you step in Omagh you’re on a bridge looking down on water and the place is covered in vomit now from the queasiness. Anyway, 58% of the bridges have been named after Catholics and that’s not a good example of a shared future, is it?”
Meanwhile authorities have promised that Little Venice’s next bridge which is due to be erected in September will be named after a Protestant, probably someone who player for Glasgow Rangers in the 80s.
Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’
Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.
Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:
“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”
Fr Hurson continued:
“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:
“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”