Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.

The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.

Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:

“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”

In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.

Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.