Category Archives: Aughnacloy

Aughnacloy Man Tasered After Fighting With Reflection In Car Window

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McSorley

An Aughnacloy man admitted to feeling ‘a bit embarrassed’ after he was eventually released from police custody this morning following a disturbance in the village on Sunday afternoon

Seamus McSorley, a 48 year old plumber from the locality, admitted he’d mistaken his own reflection in the passenger window of a taxi for that of a rival punter during a five-minute aggressive argument in broad daylight.

A PSNI spokesman explained:

“Yes, Mr McSorley – having been drinking since the bar opened at 12pm – was caught acting in an aggressive way towards his own reflection in the Nissan Sunny which acts as a taxi in the area at the weekends. He initially knocked on the window and asked if the taxi was free, only to see his reflection do the same back at the same time, inflaming the tensions between the two.”

Onlookers told of how McSorley went on to threaten the imaginary passenger only to see the reflection threaten him back with the same finger gestures. An eyewitness described the final few seconds of the altercation:

“He then punched the window, only for the ‘man’ in the car to punch back simultaneously, making McSorley fall to the ground. I’m not sure how that worked to be honest. The police then came and tasered the bollocks off him.”

This wasn’t Mr McSorley’s first arrest for public disturbance this year. In April in was reported on here that he was taken in for questioning after arguing in a threatening manner with an election poster in the village.

Sean Cavanagh’s Face Appearing All Over Tyrone

St Sean?

St Sean?

By Landan Seamy

As proof that Sean Cavanagh is on the side of the righteous, reports are coming in of his face appearing in unexpected places all over Tyrone.

Tyrone people have often been given stick that unlike all of their neighbours the county doesn’t have a saint of its own. This may be about to change.

Mary Lannigan from Moy has reported that she spotted his face on a Tayto crisp.

“Normally” she explained “I wouldn’t be seen dead buying a packet of Armagh crisps but I made an exception this year as they exited the competition so early. I took out a crisp only to see Sean Cavanagh smiling back at me. I was overcome with emotion and would have kept the crisp as proof for RTE but I was very hungry and it was the biggest crisp in the packet.”

As a sure sign that the reports are genuine many of their incidents seem to occur at a time of great despair. For example a young farmer from Cranagh, 60 year old Enda Killen, was quoted as saying

“This is the worst summer in my farming career. I was out in the field a few days ago looking up at the sky in disbelief wondering if the rain would ever cease when suddenly the clouds merged into a formation that looked wild like Sean Cavanagh and Mickey Harte holding a cup. I’m not certain if it was the Sam Maguire but it definitely looked bigger than the McKenna Cup”. “Mark my words”, Enda added “those two men will go places”.

One of the most unusual experiences came from a farmer near the border with Monaghan. The Aughnacloy man who wishes to remain anonymous said

“I’ve been keeping the cows in the byre this year due to the wet weather. On the Monday after the Tyrone match I was woke up at an unearthly hour to hear them out of the byre, running round the field turning it into pure muck. I was convinced it was spiteful Monaghan wans behind it but when I went out I could distinctly see Sean Cavanagh’s face in the muck. There was one cow in particular that was running round in circles as if she had BSE. When I got up close I could see that she was just adding the finishing touch by placing a halo over his head. I went and called my wife. She could clearly see the face although she argued that it might be Sean’s brother Colm. We went and called our neighbour to decide and she confirmed it was definitely Sean but to our surprise she also pointed to a corner of the field where a few calves had formed a gorgeous picture of Tiarnan McCann with his lovely hairdo almost perfect. That should put a stop to all the slabbering of O’Rourke and his ilk.”

Local Pilot Loses Licence After Maiden Flight

Aughnacloy's first fully qualified pilot was excitied

Aughnacloy’s first fully qualified pilot was excited

An Aughnacloy pilot has lost his Commercial Pilot’s Licence after a series of inappropriate comments whilst in charge of his first major flight from Belfast to Malaga last week.

Eugene McGoldrick, who qualified last year from a flying school in Canada, mistakenly left his microphone on at inappropriate times as well as making ill-advised jokes to the passengers during in-flight announcements.

Experienced air hostess Jenny Dowell from Manchester reckoned it was the most daunting and haunting journey she will probably ever face:

“I don’t know how that man got his licence. For example, just before take off he finished up his first ever introduction to the passengers by saying ‘Good luck, you’ll need it lads‘ before laughing like a maniac. That did not create a sense of calm amongst the flight attendants, never mind the paying public.”

Additionally, half way through the journey he mistakenly turned on his microphone during a game of Connect 4 in the cockpit with the chief flight attendant and screamed as he lost “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I’M BATE” during a bumpy bit of the journey, sending the passengers into a wild frenzy of panic.

“People were kissing each other goodbye and tears were flowing,” claimed Dowell, and added “even after we’d finally sedated the passengers with free Pringles he then rounded off a disastrous flight by announcing ‘prepare for impact‘ before the landing procedure commenced. People were inflating jackets, blowing whistles and shining lights all over the joint.”

McGoldrick has since applied for a job in Powerscreen.

Moy Couple To Appear On Jeremy Kyle Over Theft Of Gypsy Creams

The source of the strife

The source of the strife

Following the appearance of a Derry couple recently on The Jeremy Kyle Show over marital shenanigans, a Moy man and his wife are to go on the show to finally find out who has been secretly eating half a packet of Gypsy Creams after dinner every Sunday.

Colin MacKill, a high ranking official at the local GAA club, and his wife Sheila have been enjoying a blissful partnership apart from Sunday evenings when the Gypsy Cream fiasco kicks off every week without fail.

Sheila, who has been accepted onto one of Richard Branson’s space flights in the near future, is adamant the lie detector test is a waste of time:

“This is ridiculous. Colin goes out to the shed every Sunday at 6pm and comes back in with chocolate all over his face. All over his face! Even his teeth are brown for a couple of hours. Going on this show is madness. I know he’s eating the Gyspy Creams. How come he never is hungry then for a salad cream sandwich before bed?”

Colin, an avid one-mile runner, is steadfast on his reasons for going on the show:

“This needs to be sorted once and for all. She goes on about the shed thing but sure I’m just out oiling chains and stuff. Every time I come back in she’s chewing away in front of the TV and half a packet of the Gypsy Creams are gone. And she’s not chewing the cud as she says. This lie-detector test will settle it. Great publicity for The Moy too.”

This is not the first time a Tyrone couple will have appeared on Kyle’s show. In 2006, an Aughnacloy couple went on to prove who was passing wind and rifting during the night. A CCTV camera proved it was Mrs Gildernew.

 

Dungannon Cyclist ‘Won’t Let Us Down’ In Tour De France

McElhatton's machine

McElhatton’s machine

A Dungannon butcher has received a surprise late call-up to race in this year’s Tour De France which kicks off on Saturday in England.

Kevin ‘The Blurt’ McElhatton was surprised as anyone to receive the call but is determined to see good his invitation, comparing it to being ‘called up for jury duty; there’s no way out of it these days’.

The Blurt continued:

“I don’t even remember applying to ride in it but sure what harm can it do. I’ve a Flame Red MK2 Grifter at my mother’s house and sure I’ll take a spin on her down to the lough shore and back to get the oul chains oiled up for France. That’s a good 20 mile round journey so it is.”

McElhatton, despite having chronic asthma at this time of the year, is adamant he’ll put on a good show and has urged his family and friends to watch him on Channel 4 during the competition:

“I’m not deadly into the tight bicycle lycra stuff so I’m just gonna wear a white t-shirt and my Dungannon Clarkes shorts from my last game as an Under 16 in 1991. I promise not to let anyone down and I’ll drink plenty of water and all.”

There has been a mixed response on twitter to the news with one local politician from Aughnacloy tweeting “Someone stop this man. That Grifter model has a dodgy chain. Madness.”

Meanwhile, ‘The Blurt’ confirmed his butchers will remain open during his ordeal and that there’s a great deal on turkey breasts at £12.99 at the minute.

Pensioner Cannabis Grower Thought They Were Christmas Trees

Christmas cheer?

Christmas cheer?

An Aughnacloy farmer who claims he thought he was simply growing Christmas trees in his greenhouse has been charged with manufacturing £300’000 worth of cannabis plants in six months.

Mickey Gildernew, a 66 year old gardening enthusiast and non-smoker, admitted he was surprised at the massive turnover of his Christmas tree sideline especially as it appeared to be selling just as well in July as in December. A PSNI raid revealed a further 300 cannabis indica plants ready for sale this morning.

Gildernew, who was bailed for £20, told us:

“Honest to God, my eyesight wouldn’t be deadly. I thought I was growing Christmas trees for the family and after a few boys called one day looking to buy the trees off me I decided to keep it going and churned out over 1000 trees since February. I did think it an odd time for people to be buying them and I also thought it strange that they were mostly young men with long hair buying the stuff. But, at £40 a tree I wasn’t complaining.”

Local student and chain-smoker Patsy McGleenan (19) admitted he was sad to hear of Gildernew’s demise:

“Ah I gutted to hear of Weisenhager’s arrest. We gave him that name as he was the most convincing drug baron I know. He would use code phrases like ‘putting a fairy on top’ and ‘hide your presents under it’. We hadn’t a clue what he meant but he obviously knows more about this business than we’ll ever know. With Weisenhager’s stuff off the market, it’s back to Irn Bru and Sherbet Dips for my kicks.”

Mickey ‘Weisenhager’ Gildernew will appear before a jury in December in an event due to be televised live by new national TV station IrishTv. This week there will also be a two page supplement on Christmas trees in the Tyrone Times tomorrow.

 

Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.

We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;

20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.

maps

19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.

18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;

                  I wanna take you to Coalisland

                  And count the off-licences per man

                  And in the evening when the sun goes down

                  We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station

17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.

16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.

15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)

divers

 

14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.

13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.

12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.

11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.

10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.

9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.

barry

8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.

7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.

eu

6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!

5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.

4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.

3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.

2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.

shors

And of course topping the list

1. Ballyronan

PSNI Defend Poor Record On Cattle Theft: Many Unsure What A Cow Looks Like

Funny Cow_1

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Figures released by the PSNI last week confirmed that despite over 300 cattle have been stolen from the South Tyrone area since 2012, no arrests have been made.

Defending their record, DI Sean Robertson said,

“Listen. We’re up to our necks giving out parking tickets, and we’ve all this cattle theft to sort out as well. We’ve been told there’s 300 cattle been stolen. Well, we’ve not found a single one. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Do they mean kettles?”

Robertson also explained the challenges some of his officers have had identifying cattle.

“Understand that some of these officers come from huge towns like Aughnacloy or Moygashel. They’ve rarely been out in the country, poor lads. Some of them don’t know what a cow looks like. And it’s easy. Cows is the ones that look like wee fluffy white clouds. Aren’t they? Or is that pigs?”

Responding to the criticism, Constable Ivor McDowell said,

“Where do you hide 300 cows? We’ve seen pictures and they’re enormous. We’ve been sent to butcher shops to see if we can find what might have happened to them, but it’s a waste of time. The only thing in them butcher shops is massive big pieces of meat and stuff. There’s no way you could hide a cow in there. It’s pointless. And anyway, you’d need an awful lot of milk for them to drink, wouldn’t you?”

Officers are also working on a theory that the cattle weren’t stolen at all, but instead that the cows might be playing a game of hide and seek with police.

“If that’s the case, wasting police time is a grave offence and can come with a custodial sentence”, said a stern Robertson. “If we find out that these cow things are deliberately giving us the run around, Jaysus, we’ll take the legs out from under them. Both of them. Or have they got four legs?”

In a separate incident, three cows were arrested last night in a field near Plumbridge for ‘urinating in a public place’.

Gordon Ramsay Admits Tyrone Nightmare Restaurant ‘Beyond Help’

Ramsey during his stay in Aughnacloy

Ramsey during his stay in Aughnacloy

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

Sparks flew when a Tyrone restaurant, which is set to appear on the popular TV programme, ‘Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares’ next month, clashed with the Michelin-starred chef’s attempts to make improvements to the restaurant.

McGee’s Bar and Restaurant in Aughnacloy was nominated by the owner Sheila McGee in an effort to improve custom after several years of declining trade. However, long-serving chef 52-year old Mickey Nugent did not take kindly to Ramsay’s presence in what he saw as an unwelcome intrusion and an implied criticism of his ability to conjure up gastronomic excellence.

 “Now I’m all for trying out new things, and yer Ramsay fella there wanted me to have a go at all this foreign stuff”, said Nugent, “But shitake mushrooms? Shitake? That man’s not wise. Disgusting. I’m not serving that muck in my establishment. He can jog on. I’d be burnt out of it”.

A series of misunderstandings did nothing to improve relations between the two, after Ramsay asked Nugent to prepare a soufflé and to bake the pastry ‘blind’, which came to an abrupt halt when Nugent accidentally put his hand into the mincer whilst walking about the kitchen with a dish towel wrapped round his head.

“Well, he’s supposed to be the expert, so don’t say I didn’t try stuff”, defended Nugent, “But how dare he accuse me of compromising the integrity of some of the dishes. That cigarette ash was hardly going to scrape itself out of the lasagne, was it? ”.

Further friction was caused by Ramsay’s attempts to phase out some of the Nugent’s favourite dishes, including, ‘Potatoes Three Ways’, ‘Potato Surprise’, and one of Nugent’s particular favourites from the sweet menu, ‘Death by Champ’. Matters came to a head when Ramsay suggested changing the soup of the day.

“It was the last straw”, admitted Nugent. “Has this boy not been to Tyrone before? There’s only one flavour of soup round these parts. Always has been, always will be. Vegetable. If he wants to bring in his fancy carrot and colander soup or whatever it’s called, he’ll get a rolling pin in the bake for his trouble”.

A spokesperson for Gordon Ramsay refused to comment but admitted that their star has been shaken by the experience.

Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin

The lesser-spotted Derry wans

The lesser-spotted Derry wans

The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.

Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:

“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”

Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:

“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.

Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.

Following Hot Month, August To Be Cancelled And Replaced With July Again

Sunshine

July, delighted

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Following the success of July as one of the hottest months on record, East Tyrone District Council announced this morning that it has voted to cancel August and replace it with July again.

“With immediate effect, it’s now the 11th of July”, confirmed Dungannon Councillor Liam O’Donoghue. “August simply hasn’t lived up to high expectations set by a wonderful July, and to be honest August’s performance in previous years has been cat. It’s become too complacent. Move over August, there’s a new month in town. July. Again”.

In the tense final vote which was decided by three High Council members, August was given the opportunity to explain why it should be kept in the calendar year, but lost out to July, who impressed the judges with its warmth, consistency, sunny disposition, and staging of Wimbledon. During July, the temperature frequently soared into the mid-20s, winning the vote throughout the county of farmers, families and the homeless. It was also voted ‘Most Popular Month’ by the Tyrone public in a ‘Heat’ Magazine poll.

The news was welcomed by Aughnacloy woman Collette Lowry, a 54 year old zebra handler.

“July’s performance was hot, I have to say. I loved it. It gave a blistering performance right the way through the entire month, and it would definitely get my vote. It came across with real warmth. It’s a winner through and through. August can go and feck”.

For 2013, August will be replaced with July, and then September will follow. August will be given another chance to, in the words of O’Donoghue, ‘redeem itself’, when it will be given a wild-card entry to compete against October in a head-to-head calendar vote-off, this time with a public vote being introduced. If October wins, then August will depart from the 2013 calendar year. The vote will take place in August, or possibly October.

O’Donoghue advised that if the repeated month is a success, the Council hopes to introduce Philomena Begley as one of the judges for 2014, and failing that, David Hasselhoff.

County In Denial That It’s Getting Excited About Obama’s Visit

shengasBy Shengas McGlumphie

The majority of residents throughout Tyrone continue to strenuously deny that they are struggling to contain their excitement about Monday’s arrival of the US President to Northern Ireland, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. Following news last week that woman are piling on the slap, subtle signs continued to manifest themselves over the weekend that people are getting all giddy.

Asda in Omagh confirmed that they have seen an increase in housewives purchasing garibaldis and luxury toilet tissue in case the President is caught short whilst driving about the County, whilst its menfolk have been seen tidying gardens, watching ‘The West Wing’, and taking basketball lessons.

“Eh? I’ve been a basketballist for years”, said a guilty-looking Sean McMann, a bouncy castle tester from Drumquin, “with the rings and high jumps and what have ye. So Obama plays the game, does he? Jaysus, I never knew. Tara coincidence that”.

Other retail outlets saw increases in the sale of fast food, baseball caps, and waterboarding equipment, whilst an opportunistic bed and breakfast in Castlederg has somewhat hopefully re-named one its rooms, ‘Presidential Suite’ after they hung up a picture of Nancy Reagan in it.

However, the apparent nonchalant approach has been  contradicted by  a recently formed on-line campaign called ‘Tyrone G8, So We Do’ which has amassed a remarkable 120,000 followers, despite a survey last week showing that 92% of residents have no idea what the G8 is, what it means, what it represents, or how to spell it. One man from Strabane, said,

“G8? To be honest, I’m not into all these young bands. Hum one their songs and maybe I’ll pick it up. Tara timing for a big concert seeing as Obama’s coming over at the same time. Or so I’ve been told. Not that I’m bothered. Right? ”

Meanwhile, Aiden Gormley, a 58-year old confetti salesman from Aughnacloy, has been charged with damage to public property by drawing an enormous ‘H’ on the middle of Ballygawley roundabout, hoping that Obama will land his helicopter on it. Released on bail, a defensive Gormley said,

“What, that? Oh, that’s just a big ‘H’ for ‘hello’. You know, for the tourists and that. Just being friendly. Nothing else. What are you trying to say? I didn’t even know Obama was coming to Ireland. And would he be coming by helicopter by any chance? Do you know what time? I don’t care. But others might”.

Aughnacloy Building Firm Admit To Using Frozen Trifle Instead Of Bricks

The future?

The future?

Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut 
costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the 
Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran
 Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would
 be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys 
discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by
 Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.



”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before?
 Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a
 quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. 
And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard 
which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children.
 But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and 
Ready Brek too.”



Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and
 released some startling discoveries:



”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in 
the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of
 polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to
 give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”



Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building 
materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious 
practices from rival firms.



”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the 
Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the
 truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This 
sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold
 sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”

‘What’s On’ Guide For This Evening On Tribulations TV

TV_Guide_Logo

shengasBy Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.

 

5.00pm                                    Cubs ‘n’ Weeans

A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.

 

6.00pm                                    The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette

Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.

6.30pm                                    Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses

Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.

7.00pm                                    Wife Swamp

Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.

7.30pm                                    James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy

Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.

 

9.45pm                                    Tyrone in the 20s:  A Step Back in Time

A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.

10.15pm                                    Silage Witness

Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.

11.00pm                                    Mastermind

Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.

11.30pm                                    Ardboe Selecta

A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.

Aughnacloy Nurse Looked After Queen. Says She Was Quare Craic.

Queen – not as grumpy as she looks

An Aughnacloy woman was given the job of looking after the UK Queen this week in hospital as the British monarch battled bad wind and irregular bowel movements. Belinda Gildernew, an employee of the King Edward VII hospital since she was dismissed from Craigavon for slipping patients a ‘drop of the hard stuff’, maintains the head of the royal family wasn’t grumpy at all and was  ‘some girl for the slaggings’.

“To be honest I wasn’t overly excited when I was given the briefing. I thought she’d be too old for a bit of banter. How wrong was I? As soon as she heard my accent she was ‘Paddy this’ and ‘to be sure to be sure’ that, all in good taste. I told her where I came from and I was astonished when she asked if Sean Douglas still played for Aghaloo. I really underestimated her knowledge of the lower leagues in Tyrone.”

Gildernew was sad to see Windsor leave the hospital yesterday as it meant she had to go back to cleaning the arses of patients who weren’t all that much craic at all.

“Ah I’ll miss the oul bint you know. She’d obviously done a bit of research on the Gildernews overnight using a special computer because the next morning she was fit to slag me about the fight we’re having with the Hughes family over access to a field near Caledon. There was one scary moment though when I dropped my guard and told her about my uncle who tried to blow her up in the 80s. Her faced dropped and she said she’d have me hanged in the tower for treason. I nearly dunged the togs. She then broke out laughing and told me to ‘have a titter of wit’ and sure it was all water under the bridge. She said her and Philip even listen to the Wolfe Tones before weddings.”

Belinda says she told the Queen she’s welcome down the Monaghan Road any time apart from Saturday mornings as they’re normally dying with the hangovers.

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