SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Figures released by the PSNI last week confirmed that despite over 300 cattle have been stolen from the South Tyrone area since 2012, no arrests have been made.

Defending their record, DI Sean Robertson said,

“Listen. We’re up to our necks giving out parking tickets, and we’ve all this cattle theft to sort out as well. We’ve been told there’s 300 cattle been stolen. Well, we’ve not found a single one. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Do they mean kettles?”

Robertson also explained the challenges some of his officers have had identifying cattle.

“Understand that some of these officers come from huge towns like Aughnacloy or Moygashel. They’ve rarely been out in the country, poor lads. Some of them don’t know what a cow looks like. And it’s easy. Cows is the ones that look like wee fluffy white clouds. Aren’t they? Or is that pigs?”

Responding to the criticism, Constable Ivor McDowell said,

“Where do you hide 300 cows? We’ve seen pictures and they’re enormous. We’ve been sent to butcher shops to see if we can find what might have happened to them, but it’s a waste of time. The only thing in them butcher shops is massive big pieces of meat and stuff. There’s no way you could hide a cow in there. It’s pointless. And anyway, you’d need an awful lot of milk for them to drink, wouldn’t you?”

Officers are also working on a theory that the cattle weren’t stolen at all, but instead that the cows might be playing a game of hide and seek with police.

“If that’s the case, wasting police time is a grave offence and can come with a custodial sentence”, said a stern Robertson. “If we find out that these cow things are deliberately giving us the run around, Jaysus, we’ll take the legs out from under them. Both of them. Or have they got four legs?”

In a separate incident, three cows were arrested last night in a field near Plumbridge for ‘urinating in a public place’.