Category Archives: Coalisland
Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.
In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.
Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:
“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”
Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.
Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
An unemployed male from Coalisland is due to appear in Dungannon District Court facing drunken disorderly charges, following a single arrest in the town on Saturday night. It is understood that the charges against the man are in relation to ‘fighting with his own reflection’ in Uncle Sam’s shop window.
Onlookers on the night described how Shane O’Neill, a trainee traditional musical spoons player from the town, left O’Neill’s bar and headed for home muttering to himself when he happened upon his own reflection in the pizza shop window.
Aggravated by the sight of himself uttering nonsense, he angrily blurted “What did you say ya slabber?” and thus began a thirty-four minute deluge of self-deprecation and insults before a single punch was thrown.
“It was a bit like that thing in primary school when you let on you want to fight, but you really don’t. You know, where you have a friend holding you back to make you look all hard… well, it was the same as that, only Shane had no-one else to hold him back, so the start dragged on a bit longer that normal before he punched the glass window…”
Another startled observer told us
“There must have been about 50 ‘naw, you come-ons’ before he opened the shooting with an overhand jab-hook.”
By the time the row had actually started, an estimated crowd of some fifteen thousand people had showed up in the town at 3am, some 12,000 more than turned out for Dennis Taylor’s homecoming in nineteen eighty-something. Some came from as far away as Cappagh, and brought their own sandwiches. We are unable to confirm the figure of fifteen thousand at this stage.
It is understood that O’Neill broke two teeth, injured three knuckles, half his beard, one eye and two ears, and has applied to the Northern Ireland Office for compensation following the fracas. No glass was harmed in the incident
Taking Stephen Nolan’s lead, O’Neill has also threatened legal action against anyone who shared videos of his ordeal on whatsapp or twitter, though this may be particularly hard to enforce, as Donald Trump shared it and got over a million re-tweets.
If anyone has the video footage of the incident, please re-tweet it to @gombeen
After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
Plans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.
At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:
No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.
Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.
No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.
The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
Police have described the capture of an elderly confectionary thief as ‘an expertly executed operation’ after a Coalisland woman was apprehended before she’d even left the carpark in her motorised cart.
The cart, which can reach a top speed of 2.2 mph, was impounded and eventually crushed to served as an example to any other prospective elderly chocolate bar thieves.
Shop owner, Maurice Quinn, admitted it was a hairy 8 minutes between the stealing of the bar and the apprehension of the local shopper:
“I’d seen her staring at the Mars Bars for about 20 minutes and had a fair idea she was thinking of doing something untoward. Luckily, three policemen were at the deli bar and when I saw her taking one and putting it in her bag, I told the cops all about her.”
Eyewitnesses decribed how a dramatic chase ensued as one of the policemen calmly walked behind the cart, quietly telling the thief to stop, before walking a bit faster and overtaking her and turning the cart off.
The thief’s 8-minute joyride was captured on CCTV and will be shown at detention centres across the county to local primary school children to act as a deterrent to stealing things.
Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track
Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.
All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.
Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:
“I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “
Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.
Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.
With the news that more CCTV cameras are to be installed in Coalisland, we got out and about the famous town to find out what the locals make of it::
“It’s the Chinese. I heard that they’re recording it all and then presenting it as the Chinese Big Brother show but it has to be heavily edited because of the debauchery.”
“Mechanical traffic wardens. The human ones don’t last a craic so now the DoE have installed robot wardens disguised as camera. We’ll see how long they last.”
“It’s the Rahillys. We’ve been beating them the guts of 10 years now so now they’re spying on our ways and habits. I urge all Fianna ones to do the opposite of what they normally do. Go to work etc and boycott the pubs.”
“The Brits. First it was roundabouts, then traffic lights and now this. They’re trying to normalise us. Hopefully us Islanders will continue to do what we do with the lights and roundabouts – completely ignore them.”
“I think it’s the Jobseeker’s Allowance ones. I’ve already warned the family not to be seen in work clothes or to leave the back doors of vans open. And don’t be walking about with Family Circle tins under your arm. Just look sad and beg for money when near the cameras.”
We at Tyrone Tribulations will monitor the situation and will report immediately any findings. Theresa May was unavailable for comment.
As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.
Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.
Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:
“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”
Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.
“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”
Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.
The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.
BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:
- And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
- But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
- Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
- The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
- Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
- And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
- Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
- And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
- A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
- And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
- Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
- And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
- A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
- Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
- And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.
By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder
Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.
In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland. A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.
The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated
“Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “
A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk
“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”
The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:
“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.
The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:
“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”
We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:
“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”
When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:
“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”
A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added
“We will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”
A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:
“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”
said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail
Police were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer.
Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.
An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:
“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”
Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.
Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.
In a case described as a first of its kind, a Clonoe mechanic has filed for divorce after admitting to falling in love with a scarecrow he sees every day on his way home from work on the Washingbay Road.
Julius Doris, known locally as ‘Caesar’, listed irreconcilable differences for his decision as well as listing a plethora of qualities the scarecrow ‘Clonoe Claire’ possesses which he claims are ideal in his vision of a perfect woman.
Doris explained to waiting press outside Dorman’s Shop:
“Claire is just lethal. She has a stare on her that would break any man in Castlereagh. Rain, hail or shine she’s out there chasing birds and stuff with a strong back on her and that bit of leg, or straw, showing in that ragged dress of hers. She’s a dream.”
Doris went on to describe how he had to move on her quickly as he’d spotted other men mostly from Coalisland and Derrytresk leering at her from the roadside on slowed down tractors.
Close friends of Doris’ admitted to being slightly surprised at the news but revealed their own fondness for the scarecrow which was erected to prevent crows from attacking two drills of strawberries in a field near the crossroads.
An anonymous admirer added:
She has something about her that your average local Clonoe woman doesn’t have. Maybe it’s her optimistic demeanour. You never get the feeling she’s going to ate the head off you for looking at her. I can see why Doris left the wife.”
With no children from his previous marriage, Doris is hoping to start a family with Claire with the help of some ground-breaking work from fertility scientists which they haven’t started working on yet or even know about. He claims he doesn’t really mind if his offspring are scarecrows or Dorises.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
A Coalisland woman, who traveled to New York to bring her sister two new Calor gas bottles, has caused outrage by causing a 5-hour traffic tailback across the city.
The bra enthusiast pulled up alongside the world-famous Naked Cowboy for an autograph, mistaking him for Garth Brooks and parked her uninsured and MOT free 1994 NJI registration Transit van in the middle of America’s busiest zebra crossing.
By the time traffic police arrived, the woman had become visibly agitated at the cowboy shouting “what’s wrong with Croke Park, you clown?” And “I’ll stick that guitar up yer hole. So I will.”
NYPD Officers, clearly baffled at her actions were forced to call in help from former RUC officers who worked in Coalisland. It was decided a troubles-style controlled explosion would be the best course of action, which they undertook late last night. They are still waiting for the two calor gas bottles to return to Earth.
The woman is believed to have seen a picture of the city scape while drinking a pint of milk in the Yankee Star grill, deciding she would take the gas canisters to her sister the week before Christmas after she was fed up listening to how “it would founder you” there.
It has since been revealed that the unnamed woman spent Christmas eve in the drunk tank, after screaming at a giant TV screen of Conor McGregor, asking why he hadn’t replied to her husband calling him out to fight on YouTube.
She was charged with disorderly behaviour after calling the sergeant a“scumbag, a maggot” and “a cheap lousy faggot” and was released on police bail, ordered to keep the peace for the remainder of her stay – which she clearly hasn’t done.
When asked by a New york Times reporter on the scene yesterday how she and the Irish people felt about incoming President Trump and the pending inauguration, she snarled
“I wouldnt pish on him if he was on fire” and screamed “where the hell is the Landi’s around here?”
Coalisland’s only ever traffic warden, who was relocated to NY last month in a Witness Protection Scheme, was taken to a secure mental health unit last night where he is said to be in a state of deep shock, but stable.
Just how the van was driven across the Atlantic remains a mystery to officials.
Senior church-goers across the county have called on Rome officials to declare the unlawful eating of Christmas ham, by younger members of the family after returning home from midnight mass or a heavy session in the local on Christmas Eve, as a mortal sin.
Hundreds of parents have signed the petition which will be posted first class to the Vatican in the morning, according to recently appointed Coalisland deacon Finnian Farrelly.
Deacon Farrelly put meat on the bones of the argument:
“Parents like myself are sick and tired of waking up on Christmas morning only to find that the children have made a bollocks of the ham. Chunks are hacked off willy-nilly and sometimes the turkey has also been assaulted if the weans are intoxicated enough. Days of preparation down the tubes and you can’t get really mad about it on that day of all days.”
Many parents have taken matters into their own hands with a rise in firearms reportedly procured all over the county. Locks for ovens and increased sales of sophisticated alarm systems also suggest the war on ham burglars has upped a notch in 2016.
“I might be a man of the cloth but I have no reservations of firing a warning shot over the heads of my children if they come in stocious and start sniffing around the ham. They’re in their 30s; they should know better. Especially the sober ones who just went to mass.”
In 2015, over 200 dinners were ruined in the north of the country when not enough ham was left to feed the entire family on Christmas day, resulting in fist fights and trifles being fired across tables.
The PSNI have called for calm if the Vatican refuse to acknowledge the request.
An anonymous Dungannon man has finally spoken about the secret support groups set up all over England to help exiled natives prepare for the trip home over the Christmas period. The document below, produced as evidence of the extensive networking system especially in north England, clearly sets out a seven-point plan which most will need to complete within the next few days in order to stave off THE FEAR, as it’s known across the water.
- REFAMILIARISATION OF LOCAL VERNACULAR
It is likely that some local words have now left your vocabulary during your time abroad. It even might also be a case of changing definitions. Two of the most common mistakes are misunderstanding the true meanings of ‘lethal’ and ‘deadly’. In England, these may be adjectives to describe something untoward and nasty. However, in Dungannon and suchlike, it couldn’t be a higher compliment. If someone says the burger you’re eating is ‘deadly’, don’t chuck it away for fear of catching something fatal. It’s probably delicious. The weather might also be deadly. That IS bad.
- FACIAL REACTIONS
If someone comes up to you and says that Joe Herron is now a vegan or a cross-dresser or going with someone from Armagh, look completely shocked even though you haven’t a clue who Joe Herron is, because you’ve been away a long time. Say something like ‘Holy God, but I’m not surprised, he was always a bit..you know…’. That should get you out of that hole.
- PALATE DESENSITISATION
It is likely you have been eating a wide range of food in England. You need to train your tastebuds again to like pepper sauce and garlic fries. A Coalisland epicurist who worked for ten years in Landi’s in the town will be secretly flying over to Manchester this weekend to give a crash course on this.
- HAND-SHAKING FITNESS REGIME
Many exiles have sleepless nights over forgetting how to do the handshake at Mass, therefore outting themselves as a lapsed churchgoer whilst in England. Follow this program to pull off a natural and supposedly experienced handshake. This is also useful for going to the pub with an elderly relative.
- SUBSCRIBE TO THE IRISH NEWS NOW
The death notices need to be read daily with a whole day given to browsing archive deaths since you’ve been away. This is crucial. Don’t be asking about dead people during Christmas dinner with The Pogues singing in the background. It’s a real mood killer and you’ll likely be on the plane home that evening. Also, memorise how the local club got on too. Pretend you keep an eye on their results.
- REMIND PEOPLE AT HOME THAT SCARCE TOYS ARE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN ENGLAND
Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. People will still believe England is an exotic land full of everything that we can’t get here and will want you to bring home kilos of presents, with a promise of ‘sorting you out’ financially when they see you. Turn off your phone at night. They will also expect you to bring home spices and stuff.
- DIG OUT YOUR CHARLIE PRIDE/NATHAN CARTER/GARTH BROOKS CD
You need to know the chorus of all songs likely to be sung around midnight in most drinking establishments. Friends In Low Places is a must.
The sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.
The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.
A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:
He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.
The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:
Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.
Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.
In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year.
Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.
The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.
Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:
“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”
It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.
“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.
The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.