Category Archives: Coalisland

Castaway Tyrone Man Returns To Home After 4 Years Lost On Coney Island

A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.

Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.

When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:

“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”

McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.

Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations

Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.

The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.

A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.

Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:

“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”

A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.

Netflix To Make Series On Coalisland Roundabout Stand-Off

In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.

The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.

The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.

Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:

“Aye I’d never heard of it.”

The roundabout was never used again.

Red Diesel Merchants Seen Winking, Smirking And Rubbing Hands

Several red diesel merchants in the county were reported to be in ‘great spirits’ at the weekend as fuel prices soared across the country.

One high profile red dieseler was surrounded by over 300 parishioners after leaving Mass on Sunday morning in Eskra, with one onlooker claiming he was the most popular man in the area since the local ice-cream man started serving under the counter stuff last summer.

A Brackaville professional people-watcher, Pat Sheehy, claimed one of the fuel merchants he knows ‘couldn’t have been annoyed’ at the weekend, despite several attempts to annoy him.

“He was in some form, and has been for over a week. He keeps winking and saying ‘well boys’ in a very annoying manner. I tried some heavy slagging but he’s in such good form it didn’t bother him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He even bought a new campervan with a double duvet.”

The PSNI have warned motorists that an intense dipping sessions will begin next week. Car owners in the greater Coalisland area have confirmed they will develop a new way of warning fellow drivers of the dippers, but will not be using the ‘how’s she cutting’ universal sign.

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals.

Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the community. Unfortunately, Coyle sparked a major security incident after shouting ‘blow her up, ref‘ whilst watching the Tyrone-Armagh McKenna Cup game on Saturday. Mediation was quickly reached, with Coyle warned about future behaviour.

‘Bulldog’ is confident that this could be a long-term residency:

“I’d be lying if I said that me going to Downing Street went down well in my home town. Within two hours of announcing it to my mates down the Lineside, someone daubed ‘get out til f**k‘ on my gable wall. And that was my own uncle. But money is money and those hoors love the beer over there.”

Coyle also revealed that he may sell under-the-counter stuff too if the demand is there.

The DUP has already hinted at their intention to picket the shop if they don’t stock minerals and crisps for the teetotallers.

Local Clergy Criticise Coalisland Schools For Rain-Dancing Lessons Ahead Of County Final

Several Coalisland school principals have been reprimanded by the Church for hosting a rash of rain-dancing lessons in the run-up to the Fianna’s match against Dromore in the Tyrone County Final.

In recent months, it has been proven without doubt that Coalisland play well in the rain and mud. In a recent friendly against Derrytresk, it rained for a total of 3 minutes in which time the Fianna scored 6 goals and 3 points. They were held scoreless for the other 57 minutes. Just last month, the Irish News’ Cahair O’Kane intimated at rain-dance practices in Coalisland after their victory of Carrickmore in the quarter-final. O’Kane is renowned for his investigative Tyrone GAA skills.

In leaked footage on TikTok, several Tyrone schools were recorded holding behind-closed-doors sessions on rain-dancing, hosted by famous Brackaville rain-dancing expert Seanie McNally.

In response, the local PP has asked for the practice to ‘desist’ and that any principal who continues allowing such lessons in their institutions will not receive free Gideon bibles this winter. Local women, who have also been photographed having rain-dancing sessions, were also denounced from the pulpit last week.

Meanwhile, Dromore GAA has asked Barra Best from BBC NI Weather to take training on Thursday in order to teach their players how to cope in wet conditions.

Church Attendance Set To Rocket On Sunday Before Euro Final

Moy man, this morning

Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.

Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.

Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:

“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”

Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.

Continuity DUP Announce Formation At Coalisland Press Conference

Jeffrey Donaldson and Nigel Dodds amazed political analysts after announcing the existence of the new Continuity DUP at a rushed press conference in Coalisland tonight. A third member of the new party was also on the stage but the balaclava-faced female refused to give her name but spoke in a strong Fermanagh brogue.

Donaldson, who appeared on stage smoking a pipe and wearing an Aran jumper, claimed they chose Coalisland as the perfect place for their announcement because it was halfway between Enniskillen and Belfast and also due to the relaxed parking restrictions.

“We will be a thorn in Poots’ side. We have proof of life in Coleraine dating back 70’000 years and we also acknowledge the existence of the LGBTQ community as long as they attend at least one 12th July parade over a three year period. We’re the true Democratic Unionists and we’ll prove it by not watching RTE and wrecking fields full of reeds so they can’t make them crosses in February.”

The conference ended in a prayer and three poems in Ulster Scots, one of which was called ‘Stap yer shite talkin Poots’.

Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County

Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.

Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.

An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:

We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.

Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.

Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.

Joyous Scenes As Ardboe Vaccine Reaches 21% Efficacy.

A vaccine developed by Ardboe GAA club and the Battery Bar has proven to be more than 20% effective in people of all ages, sparking immediate requests for funding and mass production.

A paper, published in The Lancet this evening, shows that the vaccine uses RNA technology which was brazenly stolen by a Moortown janitor from a lab in Oxford. It will, if applied at a temperature of -100 degrees celsius, prevent one in five adult homo sapiens from getting midge bites.

The peer reviewed paper has rated the vaccine 20.65% effective due to the fact that it’s December and that there are ‘fcuk all midges about’.

Unperturbed, Ardboe GAA officials and Battery Bar owner Mr O Mulligan, stormed Stormont today for any money they can get their hands on.

In other news, a Coalisland man has become the first person to have emerged from a self-imposed isolation period of 35 years. Johnny Fee emerged from a manhole in the town, asking people if Dennis Taylor was still doing autographs.

Mysterious ‘Monolith’ In Coalisland Was Just A Parking Ticket Machine

Most Coalisland residents have breathed a sigh of relief after a giant steel device which appeared in the town three nights ago has been revealed as a car parking ticket machine and not an object dropped by aliens.

Over 400 residents had already packed up and were preparing to leave the town to go to Brackaville or Newmills for fear of being abducted and probed by aliens after the mysterious monolith puzzled local experts since Sunday night.

A candlelit vigil in honour of possible aliens was held last night outside the egg factory but was interrupted during the third decade of the rosary after someone stuck a pound in the machine and got a three-hour ticket pass.

Local sky expert Terry McNeill from Drummurrer, who owns three pairs of binoculars and visited Houston in 1988, added:

“Some are relieved but I can’t deny that I’m disappointed. I really did think this was it and was totally prepared for a probing session. I’d already told the wife that it’s likely they’ll need a boiler fitted and probably would be three light years away before she’d know I was gone.”

Since the truth was uncovered, the ticketing machine was hatcheted for three hours before being set alight.

Thousands Refuse To Get Hair Cut As Rise In 80s Tribute Bands Continues

Barbers and hairdressers across the county are said to be dismayed and worried at the lack of customers in their premises since lock down rules were relaxed.

In what is said to be a related trend, over 300 new 80s tribute bands have been registered in the county, with many groups formed within single households featuring siblings with big hair and imitating bands such as Bon Jovi, Bananarama and Europe.

Coalisland barber John ‘Crowbar’ Timlin fumed at the latest development:

“People would need to wise up. Most can sing for none and although they may look the part I wouldn’t spend a penny on going to see a rake of Gervins singing The Final Countdown. Come and get your hairs cut for feck sake.”

Already, four sisters from Brackaville have received several bookings for their tribute band to The Bangles called ‘Yer Bangles’ after growing seriously big hair over the lockdown, even though three of them are tone deaf.

Meanwhile, a barber in Killyman has been reported for taking a Samurai Sword to customers with more difficult barnets.

East Tyrone Eating Establishment Under Investigation For Selling Underground Cowboy Suppers In April

Cowboy-Supper-Eating-Northern-Irish-Food-in-Northerrn-Ireland-by-Bangor-NI-13A well known fast food outlet in the east of the county is reportedly being investigated for trading in illegal cowboy suppers since early April under the noses of the police in the town.

Although we’re unable to identify the establishment for legal reasons, it has been confirmed that over 400 portions of the popular sausages, beans and chips dish were sold in the first two weeks in April in disused bus shelters and outside GAA grounds under the cover of darkness.

Additionally, two police officers are currently suspended pending investigation having been accused of buying two cowboy suppers on the night of Easter Sunday. Local comedian and bird watcher Peter Campbell added:

“I’m saying nothing but it wasn’t too hard to get one if you were really craving it. We all knew where to go. People need to be careful though. No salt was provided and you can forget about vinegar being added. People need to be aware of that before buying or at least know to provide their own.”

Tins of Lilt were also available for much cheaper than the local supermarkets.

Meanwhile, local men have been urged to stop wearing retro tight shorts during the spell of good weather. 

We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?

nasemstudyimagesmaller

Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY

“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY

“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE

“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.”                          K LUNDY, COALISLAND

“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.”                 O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN

“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY

“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there”     M CUSH, DONAGHMORE

“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON

“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.”  J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG

“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE

“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND

“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.”  M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE

“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND

“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK

“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK

Illicit Diesel Merchants Ask For Furlough Funding From Stormont

imageWith social distancing measures still a constant for the foreseeable future, hundreds of South Tyrone illegal diesel merchants have signed a letter urging Stormont to apply the national furlough conditions to their line of business until things settle. 

The current lockdown directive has witnessed a marked decrease in vehicle traffic in the county, with many households simply walking to the shop or off licence to get essential provisions. The illegal diesel business is reckoned to be on its knees with many car owners still using the fuel they bought at the start of March.

Davy Quinn (55) from Coalisland was adamant that they will not become the forgotten business of this pandemic:

“Let’s be honest here. 75% of the money spent on shops in Coalisland, Brackaville and even Clonoe has the smell of diesel off it. Sometimes you come out of a shop in the town after buying corned beef and stuff and your hands smell like a lawnmower after getting the change. We exist! It’s time we got our 80% furloughing. In my case that would be roughly £3m.”

South Armagh businessmen have joined their South Tyrone and South Derry counterparts in arranging a protest online about their plight on Zoom, with their cameras turned off though.

Uproar In Brackaville As Priest Makes Parishioners Shout Confessions From 100 Metres Away, Up His Lane

0_EdnG0Xc6-eSBLTb2Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.

Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.

The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:

“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”

Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.

The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.

Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.

Devious Plans To Expand Derry Into Tyrone Uncovered By Irish News Readers

51RP0kUzECLAs hundreds of Derrylaughan residents woke to the fact that they’re now Derry people, Irish News readers have contacted authorities in their droves to provide evidence that the media are in cohoots with Derry. 

A blueprint for the Derry invasion of Tyrone was uncovered in a graveyard in Lissan, with Cookstown next to be annexed before Easter. However, The Irish News have been accused of simply relocating Tyrone townlands into Derry through their articles, unashamedly.

Derrylaughan stalwart Packie Kennedy admitted it was hard waking up a Derry man this morning:

“It was a bit of a shock to read in the paper yesterday that we are now in Derry. Though, to be honest, I found myself half fancying my cousins at Mass this morning so it must be true. Up the Oak Leaf.”

Cookstown have already brought in reinforcements with several Kildress and Greencastle men manning the main road up to Magherafelt. Rumours tonight suggest that Ardboe and Moortown have already fallen and it’s only a matter of time until Coalisland is under attack. Coalisland officials have postponed the rolling out of their one-way system until this is sorted.

Meanwhile, a Aghyaran woman walked three miles yesterday to the shops and her plastic bag split coming home, losing a pint of milk and three Freddos.

Coalisland Church Opens Off-Licence To Attract More Mass-Goers

1408119458604_wps_1_Beer_drinkers_dressed_as_The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.

St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.

The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.

In a press release today, the bishop explained:

“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”

A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.

Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.

Riot In Coalisland Between Hail Mary Fans and Our Father Supporters

People pray during a vigil for the victims of a mass shooting in Las Vegas

Tensions high between praying couple

Following the news that the Hail Mary was voted Ireland’s favourite prayer at the National Ploughing Championships last week, the PSNI were reluctantly called to attend a 300-strong riot between lovers of the Hail Mary and Our Father fans after 11am Mass in Coalisland.

Tensions began to simmer after Hail Mary supporters rolled their eyes and coughed the whole way though the Our Father before the Eucharist was dished out. Additionally, whilst lining up to receive the Host, pushing and shoving occurred at three different parts of the aisle with one elderly woman told to ‘hurry the f**k up’ by a man with rosary beads.

Parish Priest Fr Waterworth admitted he was surprised at the level of violence outside the church which spilled over into the Main Street:

“To be honest I think it’s great. I didn’t know the people of Coalisland cared that much. I’m a bit of a Hail Holy Queen man myself so I don’t really care.”

Community groups in the area are currently devising ways to settling the issue with an over-60s bare-knuckle boxing gala the current favourite idea mooted by the panel.

The Pope has refused to comment.

Catholic Wasps Accused Of Stinging Sectarianly, Says DUP Counsellor

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Typical Catholic Wasp

Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.

The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.

Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:

“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”

Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.

In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.

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