Church Might Start Charging For Confessions, Choirs, Communion, And Kneeling

Due to recent energy prices and maintenance costs, multi-denominational religions have issued a joint statement warning worshippers that they might have to start charging for the whole religious experience, from June 1st.

A leaked missive in the county has revealed a series of ideas to make money in the Catholic Church. These include:

  • Charging £50 for a half-hour confession with total absolution thrown in
  • £20 for a standard confession with partial absolution
  • £1 per kneel during a Mass (50p if kneeling on one leg)
  • £5 per communion bread or £100 for an annual subscription
  • £200 from the total congregation for a shorter mass
  • £2.99 for choir music

Loughmacrory Mass-goer Mary McLaughlin fumed:

“Some shower. I don’t have enough money to buy my children the latest iPads and they’re looking kneeling money. I’m a great kneeler and one Mass will cost me over £200 and that’s before the money for the communion. I hate the choir so I don’t mind that. I won’t be back and might try out the Protestantism.”

Fr Peter McCyrssler defended the proposed charges:

“Do people not realise the costs these days? I fork out £30 a week to keep my Aston Martin DBX SUV on the road and I’ve been eating just four meals a day in the past year. Parishioners would need to wind their necks in.”

A parish outside Coalisland has arranged a riot over the charges this weekend. The riot will start at 7pm and rioters have been asked to bring their own lunch.


About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on May 18, 2023, in Coalisland, Loughmacrory and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. They forgot to include the Trinity Deal – the 3-in-1 “Hatch, Match and Dispatch” Special Offer

    Liked by 1 person

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