Due to recent energy prices and maintenance costs, multi-denominational religions have issued a joint statement warning worshippers that they might have to start charging for the whole religious experience, from June 1st.

A leaked missive in the county has revealed a series of ideas to make money in the Catholic Church. These include:

• Charging £50 for a half-hour confession with total absolution thrown in
• £20 for a standard confession with partial absolution
• £1 per kneel during a Mass (50p if kneeling on one leg)
• £5 per communion bread or £100 for an annual subscription
• £200 from the total congregation for a shorter mass
• £2.99 for choir music

Loughmacrory Mass-goer Mary McLaughlin fumed:

“Some shower. I don’t have enough money to buy my children the latest iPads and they’re looking kneeling money. I’m a great kneeler and one Mass will cost me over £200 and that’s before the money for the communion. I hate the choir so I don’t mind that. I won’t be back and might try out the Protestantism.”

Fr Peter McCyrssler defended the proposed charges:

“Do people not realise the costs these days? I fork out £30 a week to keep my Aston Martin DBX SUV on the road and I’ve been eating just four meals a day in the past year. Parishioners would need to wind their necks in.”

A parish outside Coalisland has arranged a riot over the charges this weekend. The riot will start at 7pm and rioters have been asked to bring their own lunch.