Category Archives: Pomeroy
Saint Patrick Disliked Piano-Keyed Accordions, The Colour Green, And Hated Bodhrán Players, Claims Historian
In an explosive revelation this morning, a Dromore historian has revealed that documents he found in a field near his house confirm that St Patrick wasn’t all that fussed on Ireland all the time he was here, including the weather and the price of fuel.
A diary entry from 1600 years ago, in what has been confirmed as St Patrick’s handwriting, mentions the disdain he had for bodhrán players due to the fact that 30 of his sheep he was tending were skinned overnight by raiders from Carrickmore who managed to make over 100 bodhráns out of them.
The diary, found by Judith Graham, continued:
“And don’t get me started on piano-keyed accordions. The noise of them goes right through me and they think they’re all it. And it’s always pishing down here. Then you try to dry out but the price of turf is through the roof”
Patrick went on to have a go at the colour green in language which cannot be printed here.
On a positive note, when passing through Pomeroy, Patrick wrote that he thought the women here were ‘up for a good laugh’ and that he hoped to one day marry a local girl with good hips and strong arms to help him fend off sheep scalpers.
Harry Windsor Claims Gough Should Have Sent Off More Tyrone Men v Armagh
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.
VIEW OF THE FUTURE: GAA FOUND IN TYRONE IN 2221
BY CLAMPED CANDY
Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.
Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.
The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.
In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.
One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.
Trump Demanding Recounts In Leisure Centres ‘Like Omagh’
Omagh’s Leisure Complex has become the centre of a dispute between American presidential candidate Donald Trump and authorities after he demanded that all votes are recounted like the way they do in Tyrone’s capital.
Trump, who once tried to build a golf course in Brackaville before being scared off by a resident goat, wants all the counters to wear blue tabards and for winners to shout ‘yeeeeooo’ or sing a hymn depending on their nature.
A White House spokesperson added:
“Yes Trump often sat up all night with popcorn and eating cabbage and spuds whilst glued to what’s going on in Omagh Leisure Centre or even in Magherafelt. He likes the transparency and speed of it all and even shouted ‘yeeeeeoo’ no matter who won.”
It is believed that Biden is opposed to the idea, citing the time six counters delayed the final outcome of a count in Omagh in 2012 by all going home, thinking they’d left the immersion heater on.
Meanwhile, Biden has promised that one of the first things he’ll do if elected is turn the mountains of Pomeroy into a World Heritage Site.
Tyrone Themed Hats, Scarves and ‘Dreamy’ Face Masks On Sale For Donegal Clash
In order to whip up county passion before the winner-takes-all Ulster Championship clash in a couple of months against Donegal, a dubious unofficial county merchandise company have jumped on the pandemic bandwagon to produce high quality ‘dreamy’ face masks for all ages.
You’re On Your Own Ltd have created a range of masks covering famous people, landmarks and songs from the county. Company spokesman Peter Pinkwhistle explained:
At this time, more than ever, we need Tyronnies to come together and show their support for our top players as they slug it out against the mountain men from Donegal. And how better to do that than have a bandaged dreamy Brian Dooher on your lips, or dribbling over the dreamy Ardboe Cross. The dreamy Blanket on the Ground one has already received over 500 orders, 498 of those from Pomeroy. They all have a highly technical dreamy effect outline done by my son on the Photoshop.”
The face masks retail at £9.99 and you can get a scarf and a hat thrown in for £20.
Future issues will included Ger Cavlan walking around Dungannon in jeans, John Lynch in leather on a motorbike in Urney and Sean Teague wrestling a horse with the one arm in a field near Kildress.
We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
RTE To Stream Classic Sunday Masses From The 60s & 70s Over Easter Week
RTE bosses have attempted to remedy the effect the current lockdown conditions are having on Mass-goers by streaming some of the best Masses from the 60s and 70s ever seen in Ireland.
Starting on Easter Sunday at 7am, their online streaming service will begin with a classic Mass held in Bundoran in 1974 which lasted nearly two hours and had singing and all from the local choir. It includes the hilarious moment when a ginger altar-boy set his own hair on fire when lighting the candles at the start.
Locally, a Mass from Pomeroy in 1978 will be shown on Tuesday at 7pm which was at the time recognised as one of the quickest ever Sunday Masses, lasting 18 minutes. It coincided with the World Cup Final which was being held in Argentina and played at midday GMT.
RTE Streaming CEO Henry Bogue explained:
“Lots of us are really missing Mass at the minute so we’re allowing those in need to binge on some of the greatest Masses ever celebrated on this island by some talented clergy. We hope these classics will bring a smile to our faces and people can even watch them with a mineral, crisps and even a beer.”
RTE have warned viewers that any illegal videoing of the Classic Masses series will be punished severely by either the police force or God himself.
Tyrone Council Launch Bid To Find At Least 3 Decent Looking Males To Join County Breeding Programme
Typical Tyrone man, happy.
Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes.
Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.
Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.
Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:
“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”
Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.
No Corned Beef Sandwiches Eaten In Tyrone Since May 2017
NI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017.
Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.
Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:
“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”
The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.
Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.
Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.
Tyrone Board To Cancel Plans For Unique Quarter Final Draw After Animal Rights Complaints
A Tyrone County Board member has described today’s generation as ‘snowflakers’ after they were forced to cancel plans to have a cow swallow 8 small snooker balls with numbers on them and wait for her to shite them out to form the senior championship quarter final draw.
Local animal rights activists had promised to chain themselves to the gates at the Garvaghey GAA Centre if the draw went ahead in this fashion. One such member, Aidy McGuckian, explained:
“This idea was totally ridiculous. Cows don’t eat snooker balls. And even if it did, you could be waiting days for her to shite all 8 balls out. This wasn’t well thought out at all.”
A leaked report suggests that a mostly-successful trial run had already been carried out in a field near Pomeroy last week. The only hiccups reported were when the cow shat out 2 balls at the same time, and the cleaning of the balls.
An anonymous County Board member lambasted today’s generation as ‘total snowflakers with no imagination at all’ and hasn’t ruled out carrying out their idea behind closed doors.
Pomeroy Man Has A Good Long Hard Look At Himself In Mirror
A Pomeroy fence-mender revealed to close friends and strangers that he spent nearly five minutes having a good long hard look at himself in his bedroom mirror.
Matt Grimes (55), who was hungover at the time due to having one drink too many at the Balmoral Show, maintains he has a fair idea about a few things now and promises to change some stuff and maybe try harder at other stuff.
Outside the Post Office, Grimes explained:
“I’d heard that phrase millions of times, about having long hard looks at yourself. So I tried it. And I can categorically say it’s pure brilliant. I’m gonna quit the drinking, be nicer to children and pray far more. After about 4 minutes of staring I nearly gave thousands to Trocaire but managed to snap out of that. I think 4 minutes is enough.”
Grimes displayed his new persona at the Post Office by buying three Choc Pops for his nephews up the road. The Post Office in Pomeroy sells ice lollies.
Meanwhile, experts at Queen’s University have confirmed that neanderthals did live in Trillick 300’000 years ago. Neanderthal droppings were spotted on a Primary School walk in the woods by P6 pupil Mary Quinn. Quinn received a cheque for £10 from the University which she revealed she’ll spent at the Pomeroy Post Office.
County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy
Pomeroy Beast
Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight.
Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.
Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.
Pastor Genical added:
“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”
Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.
Mountains Of Pomeroy ‘Fake News’ Says American Government
Mountains?
The existence of mountains in Pomeroy has been declared as thee classic example of fake news according to sources close to the American President, Donald Trump.
Trump, who compiled a list of traditional fake news stories that particularly annoy him, placed the mystical geographical features of Pomeroy at the top of his list and has threatened anyone singing the song in the USA with an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
Felicity Begley, whose ancestors left Ireland for America in the 1930s, explained how she was lifted and sternly warned in a bar in New York three lines into the traditional song.
“I’d only made it as far as ‘when the maid she bound her golden hair‘ before men in sunglasses started talking into their sleeves in corners of the bar and I was pounced on my these big men in black. I was bundled into a tank and driven to some water-boarding centre and threatened with their torture devices if I didn’t remounce Renardine and those mountains. The thing is, I agree with them….there are no buckin mountains in Pomeroy.”
Trump reportedly deliberated long and hard over the Hills Above Drumquin but relented when a Google Maps image showed some semblance of hills in the background.
The American Government are currently looking into why George Sigerson wrote about mountains in Pomeroy in the first place and are considering the theory he was on the books of Bill Clinton’s grandfather who holidayed in Strabane in 1901.
Donaghmore’s New Show ‘Whishtworld’ Accidentally Sparks Worldwide Mannequin Challenge Viral Video Craze
By Plunkett McJunket
Creative talent in the village of Donaghmore is never far away. The production team based in the legendary Bardic Theatre have created an exciting new TV show about a virtual reality tourist destination set across an ‘olde tyme’ Mid Ulster landscape filled with cowboys, battery hens and Limousin heifers. The target market is the well-off affluent residents of Donaghmore.
If you’re wondering what all the Mannequin Challenges have come from that have swept the globe, it has been all down to director Manny Quinn:
“After a rehearsal up in the theatre in the middle of printing up all the scripts for the cast to practice over the Christmas break I heard a wile racket. I soon realised they were still there bopping about to remixes of Malachi Cush hits so I had to challenge this kind of behaviour- I just lost my cool and shouted at them to howl their whisht. My artistic temperament gets the better of me I suppose.”
We spoke to one of the stars of the show, Gemma O’Neill, who shared that the noise of the gulder from their director scared them stiff and they froze on the spot. A brave cameraman caught the tail end of the incident on video. The video has gone on to huge viral success with many people paying tribute by filming themselves being still and holding their whisht.
Awareness of the new show has since gained huge momentum and anticipation for the pilot episode early next year. Early trailers released exclusively to Tyrone Tribulations show exciting storylines about chasing poitín peddling bandits across the Pomeroy hills as well as the challenge of parking a stagecoach during a busy Cookstown main street on a Saturday morning market.
Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone
Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.
Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.
One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.
Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:
“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”
Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.
Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:
“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”
PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.
Man-Sized Launderette To Be Introduced In Pomeroy
Following on from the news that 1500 outdoor launderettes have been rolled out across Europe, including a few in Ireland, a local Pomeroy firm have installed a man-sized washing machine in the village in an attempt to improve hygiene traditions amongst the male population.
Although permission has yet to be officially granted by the European Health and Safety Commission, Devlin Washers are confident it’s only a minor paperwork issue.
The three-pronged machine has a drum for men under 6 feet tall and one for those over that height. The smaller one costs £12 and the taller-sized option is £15 for a 30-minute cycle. The third drum is for drying, although Devlin Washers don’t expect much uptake in that as the district has traditionally good drying weather.
First man to try the machine, John Kavanagh (52), maintains it’ll be a real hit with the women:
“To be honest I was nervous enough after 5 minutes as I was twirling around very fast and felt nauseous. In fact, I may have passed out for a while and the sense of drowning isn’t great either. But I came out smelling of roses and the woman was all over me that evening. That’s the first thorough wash since the wedding.”
This morning there appeared to be a queue of 25 men waiting for a full wash with the weekend on the horizon. Devlin Washers said to be patient and to have the correct money ready as no credit cards are allowed. The man-sized tumble dryer is currently out of order after a customer complained of heat exhaustion.
Pomeroy Farmer Regrets Insisting To Wife Farming Harder Than Childbirth
Patsy, before treatment
A farmer from outside Pomeroy has confirmed he’s unlikely to compare the difficulty of some aspects of farming to that of giving birth again after his wife chased him around the yard with a pitchfork, eventually taking advantage of a slip by her loose-tongued husband.
Patsy Grimes (56) maintains a moment of weakness saw him lose the run of himself, especially after his wife told him to stop feeling sorry for himself for complaining about the pain of being kicked by a bull, mid-castration. In a fit of temper, Grimes reportedly said ‘sure the only pain you ever felt was a slight twinge giving birth to Patsy Jnr, Mary and the other one‘ according to Mrs Grimes’ account of the incident to us today.
Neighbour Kieran Kennedy described:
“I was peeling spuds at the kitchen window and saw the head of Patsy running around the back of his house. He suddenly disappeared, slipped presumably, and within seconds I saw the head of Dolores leaping on top of him with a pitchfork in her hand. It was then I heard the yelp.”
After an ambulance quickly carted Grimes to Craigavon to get the pitchfork removed from his buttocks, Mrs Grimes remained unrepentant at her rash punishment for her loose-tongued husband:
“He’ll hardly make that mistake again,”
….Dolores remarked before heading back into the house to finish off watching the Home and Away omnibus.
Patsy Grimes has confirmed he will not press charges against his long-standing wife and has agreed to go on an intensive anger management course in Dungannon run by ex-Tyrone GAA footballer Ryan McMenamin.
Meanwhile, the Irish Pitchfork Society (IPFS) has rejected calls for rubber pitchforks to be made compulsory in Irish farms by 2018 in the wake of the Grimes case:
“They’ll not be any good,”
…fumed the IPFS at a hastily arranged press conference in Omagh.
Malachi Cush Fans ‘Living In Fear’ After Nathan Carter Window Smashing Incident
Broken Window in Pomeroy
Hordes of Malachi Cush fans across the county have admitted to stepping up security after it emerged this week that a Nathan Carter fan had his windows smashed for playing his music for about an hour in his own house.
Cush, who hit the big time over a decade ago with classics such as ‘All I Want is A Cup of Tea’ and ‘Shenandoah’, has a massive following in the county as well as armies of fans in both Thailand and Albania. Already there have been reports of angry crowds gathering outside houses in Donaghmore who have been accused of playing Cush’s 2005 album Celtic Heartbeat (Where The Heart Is) with some windows open.
Pomeroy native and Cush fan Barney Cavanagh revealed he’s afraid to play his albums even with earphones in:
“I was playing Raggle Taggle Gypsy on Sunday, one of his finest in my opinion, when someone fired a stray cat at my window. The Nathan Carter incident has empowered the anti-country and western singer masses. I even bought a pair of massive headphones but still have the volume down whilst listening to the likes of Spancil Hill.”
High levels of intimidation have also been reported in Cookstown, Carrickmore and Newmills. PSNI officials have encouraged fans to make sure all windows are closed when playing Cush’s music as well as investing in increased home security.
“MI5 has upgraded the threat level from C&W haters from ‘likely’ to ‘deadly sure’, meaning an attack is a ‘strong possibility’ to anyone belting out the Lakes Of Ponchartrain or She Moved Thru The Fair by the East Tyrone warbler even though they’re relatively traditional songs.”
Meanwhile, Cush has promised to match Carter’s gesture of offering tickets to his next concert to anyone who has their window’s broken because of his music, although he has yet to be contacted about any of this.
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McElduff To Build A Wall Around Pomeroy And Make Them Pay For It, If Elected
Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.
McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.
Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:
“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”
Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:
“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”
McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.
Tyrone Apprentice Show Dropped Over Controversial Middle Finger ‘You’re Fired’ Gesture
You’re Fired, Lad.
Despite filming 10 episodes over a period of three months, a BBC NI spokesman confirmed that they’ll not be airing the ‘Tyrone Apprentice’ series over concerns regarding their twist on the iconic ‘You’re Fired’ hand gesture.
Desperate not to simply mimic the successful Alan Sugar version which sees the millionaire point at the unlucky contested each week, the Tyrone Apprentice, filmed in an unused boiler room in Powerscreen, sees local millionaire Giuseppe Morgan fire a potential business partner every episode by raising his middle finger and shouting ‘You’re Fired, Lad’.
BBC NI reality TV spokesman John Corr admitted they were always troubled over the use of the offensive gesture:
“People today are still a bit PC up this part of the world. The middle finger on NI TV is maybe ahead of its time but we can’t afford to take the chance. We thought about using a tranquillizer dart or pellet gun but that brings up all matter of hurdles we’d have to jump, from appeasing the decommissioning crowd to medical cover. We’ve decide to scrap the show and show a rerun of Grimes and McKee Tractor Tour Show.”
Corr added that a couple of apprentice candidates reacted badly to the firing middle-finger gesture and clambered over the table to take swipes at Morgan, although simultaneously admitting it was excellent TV.
The middle finger has a long and illustrious history, dating back to Ancient times when the Greeks used it as a sign of intimidation. In the Red Hand county it is often observed as a term of affection, with many motorists and GAA umpires using it.
For the record, an aspiring business man from Pomeroy won the outright final after his business plan of a gay strip bar in Plumbridge earned Giuseppe Morgan’s financial affections.
Tyrone Tribulations 