No Corned Beef Sandwiches Eaten In Tyrone Since May 2017
NI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017.
Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.
Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:
“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”
The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.
Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.
Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.
Masterchef Tyrone Axed After ‘Disappointing Standard’ Says BBC
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
Tyrone Wife Sends Husband Off To Fight Anyone In Crimea
A Derrytresk farmer has sent her husband off to fight for whatever side he wants in Crimea if any combat starts, describing it as a great opportunity for him to see the world and to broaden his horizons.
Danny Hagan (49) was this morning said to be ‘sort of excited’ but ‘mostly terrified’ as he had originally set his sights on a family holiday in Mayo. Speaking from Belfast International Airport, Hagan admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a handlin aright. One minute I’m out lambing with gay abandon in our field and the next I’m sitting here in Belfast with a one-way ticket to Crimea and a ruck-sack filled with tins of corned beef and a gallon of buttermilk.”
The official Derrytresk send-off saw up to 12 people line the streets on both sides waving Ukraine, Russian and Crimean flags at 6am this morning. Reports suggest a row broke out after he left between supporters of the three regions, resulting in one PSNI officer arriving and employing a strong water pistol to dampen down raw emotions.
Cathy Hagan (53) told us this trip will be good for her husband:
“To be honest I always wanted to marry some kind of soldier so this will maybe re-spark the marriage. I was watching him out lambing yesterday and it was doing nothing for me. This is a whole new ball game now. I don’t know who he’ll fight for. Probably the Russians as he’s deadly for the vodka.”
Russian president Vladimir Putin has already acted to secure the services of Hagan by piping non-stop Malachi Cush music through loudspeakers in Crimea as well as inviting Ardboe and Killyman GAA clubs over to play an exhibition game on his arrival in Simferopol.
Homecoming plans have been shelved for a while with Cathy Hagan informing us ‘sure we’ll see how he goes’.
Coalisland Priest Wrongly Given Red Card For Drunkenness. Had Turned-In Eyes.
Police in Tyrone have admitted they made a serious blunder after issuing a red card for drunken behaviour to Fr Pat Buchanan in Coalisland last week. The new PSNI initiative of handing suspected heavy drinkers a red card to warn them of their condition will continue to be used but all officers are to be retrained in spotting inebriated punters from sober people.
Fr Buchanan, a Pioneer of 66 years, was out to get a pound of mince when he was surrounded by 3 police officers and told to take the red card for being drunk and potentially disorderly:
“I was not amused. The officer said I was clearly drunk as my eyes were all over the place. But sure I’ve had turned-in eyes since birth. They wouldn’t believe me and told me to stop looking like that. I just stared at the ground to get them away from me. Then they claimed I was staggering. Again, I have one leg shorter than the other and sure I’m 88. I haven’t touched a drop since 1940.”
Police spokesman Herbert Drinkwater admitted it was a horrible blunder:
“We feel really bad about harassing a priest with turned-in eyes and a gammy leg. And there was no need for Officer Stephenson to whack him with his truncheon for blessing them. They thought he was messing with them. We apologise profusely and will donate £10 to his parish fundraiser for a new maid”.
Fr Buchanan maintained it nearly drove him to drink but had a corned beef sandwich instead.