Following the news that the Argentinian soccer side are to use a concoction of drugs including Viagra in order to counteract the high altitude in Bolivia, Derrytresk senior team are to trial using a similar product to help bring home the points from higher up places like Drumquin, Glenelly and Newtownstewart.
The innovative season-long diet, which also involves a no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend policy for 48 hours before game, is the first of its kind in Tyrone and is certain to prick a few eyebrows as the season progresses. Backroom trainer Harry ‘the buck’ Fitzgerald maintains it’s worth a go:
“If it’s good enough for Messi, it’s good enough for our boys. We need something that is going to raise performances and we think Viagra is the job. We’re hoping to reach heights we’ve never reached before and really stick it to the opposition, especially up in the mountains. We’ve tried it in training and I’ve seen lads do things I’ve never seen done before on a football field. We had balls flying all over the place. We’re trend-setters.”
Unfortunately, not all members of the backroom team are fully behind the initiatve. The new female physio, Katey O’Hanlon, admits she’s had her work cut out during friendlies already:
“This Viagra is playing havoc with the lads’ groins. I’m on the field every three minutes attending to them despite them being hardened athletes. Sometimes I’ve three on the go at the one time and no amount of rubbing seems to settle the issue. But the managers know best. They’re upstanding members of the community.”
Three long-married squad members have asked if the partner ban can be doubled, before AND after the match. Others claim to have side effects such as lack of sleep, with one prominent forward complaining that he’s up all night and another complaining about unusual stiffness for days after.
Derrytresk’s first opponents, Brackaville, are bracing themselves.
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
Several Derrytresk women are said to be ‘shook up a bit’ after their synchronised swimming team were savaged by an alligator in a field at the Annaghmore bend.
The recent floods have been so persistent that a local watersports executive was set up to utilise the situation and initiate a range of aqua-based activities including water polo, snorkelling and Olympic scuba-diving.
Coupled with the news that Derrytresk is to be re-categorised as an official Irish rainforest, the area has been a hive of outdoor activity on a par with Sydney according to tourists.
However, the recent alligator attack has forced the executive to carry out a health and safety check, confirmed today by Aqua-Sports Derrytresk Overseer Jamie Fitzgerald:
“The alligator attack was a bit of a surprise given that they’re native only to America and China. This is either global warming or someone has brought one home from the States and threw it in for badness. In any case, Linda Hanna has a bite on her leg and the description she gave us of the assailant sounds like an alligator. She said it was scaly, had dead eyes and smelt fishy.”
The Derrytresk Synchronised Swimmers were due to compete in the Mid-Ulster Championships against the Magherafelt Mummies, their first indoor competition since their formation a month ago. Problems have beset the team recently, including an unsightly public argument over the swimming costumes. Fitzgerald added:
“Yes, that was an extremely unseemly brawl outside the GAA club. Personally, I thought the skimpy outfits might get more votes but the majority settled on old-fashioned woollen attire, covering nearly everything. But no need to be punching the heads off each other.”
Local alligator hunter Sean McCourt has been summonsed to the fields with a hammer and a rope.
Swans On Anti-Depressants After Viewing Episodes Of EastEnders Through Flooded Derrytresk Man’s Window
A leading swan psychologist at the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has confirmed he had to prescribe anti-depressants to a flock of swans who watched thirty-three episodes of EastEnders through the window of a house which had unfortunately witnessed high levels of flooding around it.
The swans, which were displaying heightened levels of agitated and violent behaviour towards their immediate families after viewing the programme, were said to be addicted to the goings-on in and around Albert Square and began impatiently pecking at the Derrytresk man’s window from sunrise, forcing Mr Quinn to stick on pre-recorded episodes of the English soap opera.
Professor Gilbery Mollyed explained:
“Because of the high levels of flooding, the swans were able to comfortably view what Dot Cotton and Phil Mitchell were up to on the fictional London community, through Mr Quinn’s good room window. However, the pessimisitc plotlines appear to have had a detrimental effect on the birds, causing them to become irrationally short-tempered with each other and develop unusual addictions to alcohol. I’ve had to prescribe over 500 doses of Prozac to just 200 Lough Neagh swans.
Mr Quinn, who was acutely aware of the Swans’ affection for the popular BBC show, revealed he attempted to wean them off the programme:
“They were fighting and slapping and flapping at each other to get a better view through my window and I couldn’t hear the damn show through their crying and squawking. I turned over to Mrs Brown’s Boys and they went clean mad pecking at my window to the point that I thought the house was going to come down around me. I had to return to an old recorded episode of EastEnders with Dirty Den in it to calm them down.
Mr Quinn also revealed they liked watching Emmerdale, the 7 O’Clock News on Channel 4 and The Angelus on RTE.
An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.
The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.
Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.
“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”
Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:
“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”
Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.
After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.
Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.
Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:
“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”
UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:
“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”
Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.
Tempers were simmering tonight across Tyrone after six sunglassed men and women in long coats invaded a field in Aghaloo and pulled the whistle from the referee’s mouth, effectively abandoning the home side’s game against Brocagh.
A statement released by the CCCCC confirmed they force-abandoned a game tonight near Aughnacloy as there was an Aghaloo player who looked like a decent county squad replacement for the recently retired Dermot Carlin and that
‘under no circumstances should this new county squad player be allowed to compete for ball against your average pleb club footballer. We’re only doing what we’re told.’
Aghaloo journeyman footballer Seamy Douglas admitted this was the final straw:
“I’ve had enough. It’s bad enough calling us plebs and stuff but we were winning 4-12 to 0-0 as half the Brocagh side were still cut from last night’s ACDC concert.”
The abandonment comes hot on the heels of a rash of match postponements issued by the CCCCC in club games involving county players against the plebs. The CCCCC have attempted to soften the blow by offering free mineral and crisps to all affected pleb club men with a warning to ‘know your place’.
Meanwhile a major investigation in Derrytresk lasted 6 hours today after club officials attempted to discover who their secret county player was after their game was one of those called off by the CCCCC. Several players were water-boarded and dragged up and down their pitch from a rope tied to a Massey Ferguson in order to discover who’d squeal. It wasn’t until an U14 player meekly suggested maybe it was because they were playing Edendork who have a couple of county men that the interrogation was finally called off.
Bonfires of lettuces littered the Derrytresk skyline this morning after local budding chef Jamsie McGarrell revealed the secret behind his succulent vegetables live on MasterChef on BBC2 last night.
The special episode, which was recorded live in London in front of an audience of 400 spectators, allowed contestants to bring in their own home-grown produce and make a signature dish.
McGarrell, who took first place with his ‘bacon and lettuce surprise‘, was heavily complimented on his wonderful vegetables, particularly his vibrant and ‘utterly memorable‘ lettuce, according to joint presenter Gregg Wallace.
When asked what the secret was to his outstanding quality of lettuce, McGarrell took a deep breath before adding:
“Pish. I pish on them at night.”
Filming was stopped and viewers were shown an old episode of Tom and Jerry as Wallace and co-presenter John Torode visited the men’s room due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’. A much paler Wallace emerged six minutes later to wrap up the live show.
Reaction in Derrytresk has been described as ‘confused’ as people were witnessed retching and vomiting in their gardens from last night until the early hours of the morning. Local wag and non-veg dieter Pete Campbell revealed he hasn’t laughed so much in a long time:
“McGarrell was making a mint selling his ‘Lovely Lettuce’ brand to nearly every house in the town land. People were mad for it and you’d even see men chewing on his lettuce whilst driving the motor or in Mass even. This is a turn-up for the books alright. I’m glad I just like the meat.”
McGarrell’s revelation explains away the three accusations of ‘indecent exposure’ in the last year which he managed to overturn by offering judge and jury free ‘lovely lettuces‘ for a year.
Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.
The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.
Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:
“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”
External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.
“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”
Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:
“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”
The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.
A Derrytresk Health and Safety Officer, in his first formal job, appears to have dug a hole with a family spade behind the stand ‘to see what their turf was like’ which led to a large crack forming in the West Stand, affectionately known as ‘The Kop’.
Fergal Fitzgerald (24), who qualified as a structural engineer last month, was given the task of overseeing a new toilet which was to be built behind the stand after a report in the Belfast Telegraph indicated a rise in weak bladders amongst Ulster men in 2015.
Witnesses suggest Fitzgerald said something about wanting to know if Belfast had ‘good burning turf‘ before digging furiously on his own behind the now-damaged stand with a spade from the boot of his car.
Fitzgerald’s university lecturer, Professor Lingard, maintains he is not surprised with the development:
“Fergal is a very clever man and qualified with a First but has a weakness for turf and peat. For part of his Field Work during his final year at Queen’s University we took his class to Pisa in Italy to examine the Leaning Tower. When my back was turned he started digging with his ‘family spade’ around the tower because he wanted to know what Italian turf was like to burn. He nearly toppled the thing. The Italians weren’t very happy.”
Despite good character references, a Loyalist paramilitary group called ‘We’re Not Brazil We’ll Kill Ye’ issued a statement warning Derrytresk residents to stay away from Windsor Park and that anyone seen in the ground wearing a checked shirt and carrying a spade will be deemed a legitimate target.
Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.
The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:
“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”
Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:
“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”
Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:
“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “
The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
A Derrytresk stove-fitter has admitted to experiencing an unbearable level of stress in the aftermath of a £25 windfall in the weekend’s UK Lottery, forcing him to call a media conference to announce his stroke of luck.
Terence McNeill, who claims to have been on the receiving end of dirty looks since the rumour started, admitted he may move away from the area or at least go on a long holiday to Bundoran or even further.
At the press meeting near Tamnamore Roundabout, McNeill revealed how he managed to land the winnings, whilst spraying the assembled photographers with a magnum of Shloer:
“It was the numbers 1, 2 and 3 that got me the money. I always choose those numbers as I remember they were the first numbers I was taught in school. I couldn’t sleep that night but believe it or not I thought I’d won only a tenner. I didn’t know it had gone up til £25. Nearly had a heart attack when the woman handed me the money in the Spar.”
Word soon got out in the sleepy town-land of the influx of wealth, leaving McNeill feeling ‘alone’ and ‘confused’.
“I could overhear people saying things like ‘who does that hoor think he is?’ or ‘stuffy-nosed oul bollocks’ and stuff like that. Then came the beggars from the Church, the GAA club and the local gay and lesbian society. I had to call this conference to announce I’m giving nothing to anyone and for locals to respect my privacy. Just feck off.”
The Spar have cashed in on the winning ticket exposure by erecting a temporary sign with the words ‘Big Lotto Winner Bought It Here’ and putting on a 2-HP Sauce-for-1 deal.
Meanwhile, Edendork’s Jarly Hanson has fled his home after clinching the £20 snowball at Edendork Hall bingo last week.
A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.
The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.
Amongst other directions, the instructions included:
- Six raw eggs every morning
- a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
- Listening to traditional music
- a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training
When asked about that final item, our source told us:
“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”
Other recommendations included:
- Six Hail Marys every night before bed
- No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
- Planking and meditation
When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’
Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.
In a fit of revenge for arriving in the house the previous night heavily inebriated, Derrytresk woman Kitty Devlin exacted revenge by making her worse-for-wear husband Kevin push their 1996 Volkswagen GTi eight miles from Dungannon to Derryvarne in the townland last month.
The Devlins had made the trip to Boots the Chemist in The Oaks Centre Dungannon early that morning to pick up a bag of cheap women’s leg razors and Lynx deodorant for their children, despite Mr Devlin’s hungover condition.
“He came in roaring and singing the night before from a whist drive night in Maghery, waking the whole house up. Then he moaned the whole way to Dungannon that morning about the fact that none of the windows opened in the motor and him feeling sick. It was whilst browsing through shower gels that I concocted my plan to make him pay for the late night drunken antics.”
On returning to the car, Mrs Devlin pretended to start the motor, claiming the battery was dead and for her husband to give it a push start.
“Little did the bollocks know but I had her in 5th gear the whole way home. I kept bellowing at him to keep er lit as it was near catching. I had no intention of starting that engine. Even when he threw up four times, at Edendork, Coalisland, Clonoe pitch and Annaghmore School I felt no sympathy. That’ll learn him.”
Kitty finally started the car in second gear less than 50 yards from their house and sped off, leaving her husband in a quare state according to neighbour Jimmy Quinn:
“I’ve never seen a vision like it. His face as red as the fiery pits of hell and him covered in vomit. A bad doing by Kitty who’s 18 stone but sure the wemen now are lethal. That’s lethal in a bad way I mean.”
Mr Devlin has since stayed on the wagon, lost two stone and is considering starting a new fitness fad called ‘push starting a car in 5th gear’.
The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.
Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.
“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”
Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:
“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”
Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.