Despite record-breaking torrential downpours and fork lightning, the McClure family from the White City in Dungannon maintained they are having ‘a deadly time’ searching for crabs and playing I-Spy in the caravan before the children head back to school next week.
With the disastrous weather during Summer 2015 making it a miserable break for families, hundreds of Tyronians have descended on Downings and Bundoran in a last ditch attempt to give their children something to write about when they get back to English class in school.
Harold McClure (45) revealed he built his best castle ever on Bundoran beach last night with a real-life 30-feet wide moat all around his 5-towered castle which took him 3 hours whilst the children watched in a huddle or kept an eye out for crabs:
“It’s just a pity there was no one else to see it bar the children. The ditch was lethal. It was 7-feet deep full of rainwater, and a real death trap so I got the children to buy and carry a new door from B&Q to act as a bridge. The rain isn’t too bad when you get used to it. Spotting crabs is great fun too. I think we pointed to over 100 crabs though some of them might have been the same ones.”
A caravan site barbecue went ahead anyway despite over 47 inches of rain falling during the feast, with three children hospitalised with acute hypothermia.
Event organiser JJ Doherty admitted the hospitalisation was ‘unfortunate’ but families should ‘feck away off to Malaga or something if they don’t want to run the risk of death whilst chewing on a hotdog during an Irish summer’s day.’
Lottery auditors have descended upon a West Tyrone GAA club after Elvis Presley won the £3000 snowball prize for the third time in 3 years, adding to other winners such as ‘Tom Jones’, ‘Clint Eastwood’, ‘Calamity Jane’ and ‘Shergar’ since the lottery commenced in 2012.
Killeter GAC Committee admitted no locals had ever won the big prize in the lottery but denied making up winners in order to pocket the prize fund for annual outings to Bundoran and Downings.
Local carpenter and lottery fanatic Killian Penrose remains adamant that something fishy is going on:
“They’re not even putting much effort into covering it up. Who’s called Elvis Presley, like? Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees has won it 4 times now. And as for Shergar….”
Killeter GAA hit national headlines in 1988 after advertising the opening of their new field ‘Castlederg Road Park’ with astronaut Neil Armstrong and Mahatma Gandhi as their special guests, organised by chairman Leo Hurson.
“And that was a farce too. This boy in a spacesuit turned up, helmet and all, and sure he was only 4 feet tall. I’m sure we’d have known if Armstrong was only 4 foot. And Gandhi had been dead 40 years. He just had some man from Aghyaran dressed in a sheet, waving to people.”
Chairman Hurson was unavailable for comment this morning but an inside source confirmed that there’s an Elvis Presley who works in a chip shop in Castlederg Main Street.
Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.
The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.
Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:
“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”
External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.
“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”
Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:
“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”
The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.
It was drinks all around this evening in the Kildress Inn after father-of-three Noel Traynor completed a full load of washing in their Hotpoint Free-Standing HY6FY155 Washing Machine. Traynor, who was left stranded for his good shirt and jeans whilst his wife enjoyed a three-day spa break in Downings, was said to be euphoric with his accomplishment and may have a ‘charge of drink’ to celebrate.
“It took some concentration. I’d seen Maura work at it before but never in a million years did I ever think I’d have to use it. I saw a box of washing power and had a fair idea it went in some sort of tray but sure when you pulled the tray out how the hell were you to know which one to put the stuff into? So I just bucked a fistful of it into all compartments and then whacked in softener and mixed them about with a spoon. To be honest I was acting on instinct at this stage.”
Things took a turn for the worst when Traynor was faced with ‘a pile of nobs’ before pressing the start button:
“Aye, there where millions of numbers and other nobs saying cotton, linen, wool, whites, delicates and then all these stupid icons like clouds and swirly circles. Just clane mad. So I took all the clothes out and checked to see what they were made for but that was a waste of time. Some had like 80% cotton. How can you just wash 80% of something? I just closed my eyes and turned all the nobs at the same time like Russian Roulette. The sweat was pouring off me.”
Although the volume of washing powder saw the whole room bubble up, Noel was this morning sporting his shining jeans and black shirt. His wife has played down his achievement:
“He’s wearing damp clothes because he didn’t want ‘to overdo it’ by using the tumble dryer. He’s a useless lump. All the children’s uniforms he threw in are shrunken and coloured black. And the utility room is still covered in bubbles. Now he’s down in that pub getting free drink bought for him like he climbed Everest. There’s even talk of a plague being erected outside our house – the first man in Kildress to successfully complete a cycle in the washing machine. Lord above.”
Traynor is in talks about releasing an autobiography.