Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack.
In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.
An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:
We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”
It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.
Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.
Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday.
Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:
“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”
McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.
Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.
Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.
It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.
Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.
It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.
Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.
With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.
Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.
Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.
In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.
PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.
At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.
Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.
Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;
“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”
Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.
Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.
Pope Francis, who has been lauded as one of the more progressive popes in recent centuries, surprised worshippers during an open air Mass in Philadelphia with an audible outburst during a minute’s silence for private intentions.
The Pope, who momentarily forgot he had a microphone wired into his robes, finished the silent minute with a quite clear ‘C’mon Urney te feck’ before blessing himself and carrying on with the rest of the ceremony.
Urney supporter and jersey washer Harriet McElhinney is adamant that, as expected, God is on the side of the West Tyrone men as they prepare for the Intermediate final against Edendork:
“We’re not getting complacent or anything but surely this is a sign that the man above is watching over us in our pursuit of senior status. Pope Francis is obviously keeping a close eye on Urney St Columba’s this year. I’d say he’s not overly fond of Edendork what with their gambling and all in that bingo hall. And St Malachy wasn’t half the man Columba was. Sure didn’t Columba build a monastery in Derry with his own hands, plastering it himself and him with his back broke from rowing back and forth to Scotland for sand.”
Papal officials confirmed Francis did not know his microphone was on at all times and apologised to Edendork players, officials and supporters, adding that McCurry would ‘take some watching’.
Meanwhile, the Vatican have granted Urney an audience with the Pope this week but have yet to decide whether or not to accept the gift of a bottle of home-made poitin after recent figures suggested 98 bottles of wine are consumed per person in the Vatican per year. Pope Francis maintains accepting the gift would be a bad start for his ‘Go Sober In October’ initiative.
The leaked list from Ashley Madison, a Canada-based online dating service and social networking service marketed to people who are married or in a committed relationship, revealed that a husband and wife from the Brackaville Road in Coalisland had been having an affair with each other for over a year, dressed up as other people.
Pat and Kate Owens, both 54, admitted they were completely unaware that the person they were having an affair with was already the person they were married to. The affair was revealed to each other when they both turned up to tell their ‘partner’ that the relationship was over because of the leaked list.
Pat, who ran a 10k race in 1984, explained:
“I’d hadn’t a clue that it was my wife I was tackling in the car park at Edendork Hall. She was dressed up as a dentist with a Russian accent, whilst I pretended to be a farmer from the west of the county like Aghyaran. Looking back now, I remember thinking it was odd she said ‘this is some handlin’ when we spotted the Bishop of Armagh pulling up in a motor with a blade from Keady. I just thought that wouldn’t be a phrase someone from Russia would come out with but I just thought I’d maybe misheard her.”
Kate Owens also confirmed that she did have her suspicions that her dark secret was maybe a little closer from home than Aghyaran:
“He’d have this strong west Tyrone accent one minute but now and again he’d come out with ‘deadly win for the Fianna, boys‘ during a romantic clench. Never thought it was the husband though as his teeth were always brushed and it was obvious he’d had a shower within the last 48 hours.”
The Owens’ admitted they are now closer than ever but wouldn’t trust each other as far as they’d throw them.
Tempers were simmering tonight across Tyrone after six sunglassed men and women in long coats invaded a field in Aghaloo and pulled the whistle from the referee’s mouth, effectively abandoning the home side’s game against Brocagh.
A statement released by the CCCCC confirmed they force-abandoned a game tonight near Aughnacloy as there was an Aghaloo player who looked like a decent county squad replacement for the recently retired Dermot Carlin and that
‘under no circumstances should this new county squad player be allowed to compete for ball against your average pleb club footballer. We’re only doing what we’re told.’
Aghaloo journeyman footballer Seamy Douglas admitted this was the final straw:
“I’ve had enough. It’s bad enough calling us plebs and stuff but we were winning 4-12 to 0-0 as half the Brocagh side were still cut from last night’s ACDC concert.”
The abandonment comes hot on the heels of a rash of match postponements issued by the CCCCC in club games involving county players against the plebs. The CCCCC have attempted to soften the blow by offering free mineral and crisps to all affected pleb club men with a warning to ‘know your place’.
Meanwhile a major investigation in Derrytresk lasted 6 hours today after club officials attempted to discover who their secret county player was after their game was one of those called off by the CCCCC. Several players were water-boarded and dragged up and down their pitch from a rope tied to a Massey Ferguson in order to discover who’d squeal. It wasn’t until an U14 player meekly suggested maybe it was because they were playing Edendork who have a couple of county men that the interrogation was finally called off.
Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.
The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.
Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:
“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”
External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.
“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”
Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:
“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”
The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.
The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:
“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”
Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:
“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”
Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:
“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “
The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
A Derrytresk stove-fitter has admitted to experiencing an unbearable level of stress in the aftermath of a £25 windfall in the weekend’s UK Lottery, forcing him to call a media conference to announce his stroke of luck.
Terence McNeill, who claims to have been on the receiving end of dirty looks since the rumour started, admitted he may move away from the area or at least go on a long holiday to Bundoran or even further.
At the press meeting near Tamnamore Roundabout, McNeill revealed how he managed to land the winnings, whilst spraying the assembled photographers with a magnum of Shloer:
“It was the numbers 1, 2 and 3 that got me the money. I always choose those numbers as I remember they were the first numbers I was taught in school. I couldn’t sleep that night but believe it or not I thought I’d won only a tenner. I didn’t know it had gone up til £25. Nearly had a heart attack when the woman handed me the money in the Spar.”
Word soon got out in the sleepy town-land of the influx of wealth, leaving McNeill feeling ‘alone’ and ‘confused’.
“I could overhear people saying things like ‘who does that hoor think he is?’ or ‘stuffy-nosed oul bollocks’ and stuff like that. Then came the beggars from the Church, the GAA club and the local gay and lesbian society. I had to call this conference to announce I’m giving nothing to anyone and for locals to respect my privacy. Just feck off.”
The Spar have cashed in on the winning ticket exposure by erecting a temporary sign with the words ‘Big Lotto Winner Bought It Here’ and putting on a 2-HP Sauce-for-1 deal.
Meanwhile, Edendork’s Jarly Hanson has fled his home after clinching the £20 snowball at Edendork Hall bingo last week.
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.
Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.
Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.
The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.
TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.
Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.
Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.
The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.
Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.
O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.
TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas
Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.
The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.
Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.
Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.
Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.
The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’
Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.
Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard
Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.
Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.
Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.
One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left
TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.
Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.
Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk
Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.
Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.
TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!
Rumours have began to surface that the Primate Joseph Dixon, the cleric who was born 1806 in the Coalisland
area and gave his name to the local primary school which recently celebrated its centenary, was actually just ‘a very smart’ monkey.
Local historian and SELB director for the area Simeon Armstrong indicates that the Primate Dixon was never recorded as having spoken – revealing that he just nodded and sometimes flashed a smile of pointy white teeth, which at the time was just put down to his being ‘a very holy man.’
Director Armstrong has told Tyrone Tribulations that
“it is not beyond the realms of possibility that Primate Dixon was a real primate… Sure hi, some of the teachers I’ve seen up round Armagh are just shocking – it’s a wonder the kids can even bless themselves, or eat their own lunches.”
Historical records kept of the man himself, and minutes from parish meetings described Primate Dixon as ‘very good at prayer, football and study’.
The Democrat recorded of him in 1844 at the children’s Feis he adjudicated:
“He has a very piercing, yet intelligent stare. All the local Children have really taken to him because of his quiet demeanour and his opposable thumbs. A man of routine, he always loves a good banana before competition begins.”
He reportedly judged much in a manner to that of Simon Cowell, simply giving a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture.
Also of note, the concerned Brackaville Resident’s Association (BRA) have long spoken of ghosts in the newer housing estates in the area near the other famous ghost that was on the news. This time reports are of three monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, and one that goes on like Joe Brolly, just jumping about and flapping its arms and whinging a bit.”
The case has been given all the more credence due to events also found in newpapers of the time. Armstrong uncovered an article titled ‘circus masters drinking leads to one too many escapes’ which wrote of numerous escapes in Dixie Duffin’s circus in and around the town in 1805. One such mass escape week saw lions getting lost outside Edendork chapel, eels slipping off near Ardboe, and a few cowboys going on the run somewhere around the Moy. The article goes on to detail how one chimpanzee managed to escape with a few black shirts and pairs of black trousers near Tessies Sibin on the Clonoe road.
Catholic Church rep for the area, Cardinal Shin, has said the allegations are complete and utter tripe:
“Are you even a real journalist? He was a huge pillar in the community, a man who gave his name to the place of education here… he was a noted Professor of moral philosophy- you boys would want to check your moral standards. Get out! And put those biscuits back down there!”
There was great excitement today in amongst Ulster’s Muslims after it was revealed that Edendork parish have decided to offer the Hall entirely to the Muslim community from September onwards, as long as they play bingo in it at least once a month.
Following the recent controversies in Belfast and the ill-judged remarks from pastors and politicians, the 4,000 strong Muslim community have been looking for a community centre for general cultural gatherings. The hall, which was once described as ‘a little piece of Italy in Tyrone’ by someone, will also double up as a Mosque. The chance to clean up with grants was a deciding factor in the decision.
Dungannon Muslim, Hous Bin Pharteen, was ecstatic at the news:
“This is deadly. We were hiring out a disused shed around the back of the defunct Tyrone Brick for praying and stuff but this moves us into view for the whole of the province. It’s such a beautiful building. Those who say it’s the ugliest structure in Ireland are slabbers.”
Opposition to the Mosque has come from nearby engineering firm Hurson and Sons. Company CEO Jimmy Hurson predicts issues over a work-shy workforce at his clay-making business 500 yards from the hall:
“Don’t get me wrong. I think Muslims are a great bunch of lads. However, my workers will only pretend get confused when the adhān (Muslim call to prayer) is played by that boy in the trumpet. To get one tae break a day is plentiful. I can see these boys, mostly from Coalisland and Clonoe, bringing in 10 lunches and downing tools every time the bugle is sounded.”
After it was pointed out that the call to prayer is recited, probably by loudspeaker, and not played on a musical instrument, Hurson remained doubtful:
“Anyway, with the adhān to be played 5 times a day, I fear my workers will suddenly become Muslims in order to skive off work. They’ll find a way to screw me. I know them.”
Local residents have been assured that if they send one of the Muslims to McCann’s shop for a packet of Paris Buns or a Knutty Krust, the correct change will come back as predicted by First Minister Peter Robinson.
There are also high hopes South Tyrone Hospital may reopen due to the predicted influx of doctors and surgeons into mid-Ulster.
Henry Savage, from Brackaville Road, was given the job at short notice following the unexpected departure of the previous weatherman. He explained,
“The boy who was supposed to get the weather job suddenly backed out down because he had to rush off to London in a hurry. I think he was changing jobs to a tree surgeon because he mentioned something about a yewtree. Anyway, I was in there like a shot. There’s not much you can teach me about the weather hi”.
However, it quickly became apparent to studio bosses that this was far from the case, and that Savage’s grasp of simple meteorological principles was practically non-existent.
“We had a couple of wee thunderstorms over the weekend there”, said programme scheduler Moira McGurk, “And Savage told viewers that it was because ‘the clouds kept banging together’. For the love of God”.
The live broadcast continued, with Savage instructing,
“Thon trees in Parkanaur are making lots of wind tonight, so wrap up tight. And if you do see the thunderstorm coming, just rush out of the house and start screaming at it. They frighten easily and it’ll probably just move off to the next town”.
In his defence, Savage barked:
“All that stuff about the high fronts and the low fronts is just stuff made up by meteorologists to confuse people. Rain is rain. Anyone in Tyrone knows that. No point going on and on about types of cloud or precipitation or some such nonsense, when everyone knows rain is just the angels crying tears of happiness”.
The studio’s problems became clear during last night’s live broadcast, with Savage telling viewers,
“Ah’m tellin’ yez, last night my yolk was acting up something tara, so it’s a sure sign that there’s quare sunny weather on the way. And have yiz seen the sunset over Clonoe? All I can say is, red sky at night shepherd’s delight. No, hold on. Is it rainbow instead of red sky? Jays, it can be confusing. Ah sure, what do the feckin’ shepherds know anyway? They should keep their noses out of it. Besides, it’s not going to be sunny everywhere. The cattle in Edendork are getting tore into the cud like nobody’s business, which means the rain’ll be shitting it down in Drumquin by lunchtime tomorrow”.
Savage in his final broadcast earlier this morning, confirmed that he expected the forecast for tonight to be ‘dark’.
In a fit of revenge for arriving in the house the previous night heavily inebriated, Derrytresk woman Kitty Devlin exacted revenge by making her worse-for-wear husband Kevin push their 1996 Volkswagen GTi eight miles from Dungannon to Derryvarne in the townland last month.
The Devlins had made the trip to Boots the Chemist in The Oaks Centre Dungannon early that morning to pick up a bag of cheap women’s leg razors and Lynx deodorant for their children, despite Mr Devlin’s hungover condition.
“He came in roaring and singing the night before from a whist drive night in Maghery, waking the whole house up. Then he moaned the whole way to Dungannon that morning about the fact that none of the windows opened in the motor and him feeling sick. It was whilst browsing through shower gels that I concocted my plan to make him pay for the late night drunken antics.”
On returning to the car, Mrs Devlin pretended to start the motor, claiming the battery was dead and for her husband to give it a push start.
“Little did the bollocks know but I had her in 5th gear the whole way home. I kept bellowing at him to keep er lit as it was near catching. I had no intention of starting that engine. Even when he threw up four times, at Edendork, Coalisland, Clonoe pitch and Annaghmore School I felt no sympathy. That’ll learn him.”
Kitty finally started the car in second gear less than 50 yards from their house and sped off, leaving her husband in a quare state according to neighbour Jimmy Quinn:
“I’ve never seen a vision like it. His face as red as the fiery pits of hell and him covered in vomit. A bad doing by Kitty who’s 18 stone but sure the wemen now are lethal. That’s lethal in a bad way I mean.”
Mr Devlin has since stayed on the wagon, lost two stone and is considering starting a new fitness fad called ‘push starting a car in 5th gear’.