By Aughoughilley Schniffles

There has been widespread rumours in the county that Edendork GAC are “at it again” following revelations that the club chairman’s new caravan is subject of the clubs next “Grand Prize Draw”.   An Edendork insider who wished to be named only as “trout” revealed to this reporter that the chairman, Mr Sean O’Donnell, purchased the spank new mobile home on the Stewartstown Road just outside Coalisland exactly one month ago. Tyrone Tribulations has confirmed this fact with the Mid Ulster Land and Properties Agency. 

However, as of yesterday, Edendork GAC has managed to sell upwards of 2000 tickets for the caravan in a raffle at £25 a pop.  This latest raffle comes after a house which the club raffled in 2010 was magically won by 5 players; and a car the club sold tickets for a full two years also won by a committee member – both following ticket sales the length and breadth of Ireland; and the fact that snowball at the local hall, despite running for 326 years, was NEVER won and remains officially “thawed”.  It has led for calls that the club be investigated by the Fraud in the Communities of Ulster Kapturers (the FCUKers).

Edendork club agreed to let this reporter speak to club Spokesman Joe Knowles, who after telling us he would not be taking any questions, said:

“Thanks for coming here today.  We can confirm that we are raffling off tickets for a brand-new state of the art mobile home which was very kindly donated to the club.  If you want a ticket I can do you one for £25 or three for £85”

Knowles continued, reading from a folded piece of paper he pulled from his back pocket while putting on his very thick spectacles and clearing his throat:

“This brand new, never before legally owned unit, is 100% the property of Edendork GAA community.  As such we, as members and custodians of the club, bestow in it full and proper title, and to any beneficiary to whom we doth choose by our own free will to thereafter gift legal title in it, by way of any trust or other such settlement is fully above board”

When Tyrone Tribulations pressed that the caravan was in fact not legitimately intended for a real raffle, but was owned by the chairman, and that it was probable that his name would magically appear from the tombola, Mr Knowles just started to run for the safety of his car, only to shout to his wife:  “Rosemary, let that dog aff”.   This reporter suffered cuts and bruises.

In other unrelated news, a spider from Irvinestown has been awarded compensation after a particularly windy night blew him over the County border into Fermanagh, where he has been forced to stay without contact with anyone or anything from Tyrone for the past five months.

Tickets for the draw, which unless you are from Edendork you are unlikely to win, can be purchased at https://winaholidayhomeinireland.com/