Monthly Archives: December 2018

Augher Woman May Take Decorations Down Today

3cc64b8edaf9bb8804b4e69af7c9903aAn Augher woman is said to ‘be in two minds’ whether to take down the decorations today or to leave them up for another lock of days. 

Although a decision is to be made around 2pm today depending on her mood and how the children are getting on, close friends reckon they’ll definitely be the first decorations down in the greater Clogher Valley area by tonight.

Mrs McKenna is believed to have floated the notion to her line-dancing group at their post-Christmas limbering up session on the 27th. Although some were verbally and physically hostile to the decision, others were reportedly secretly willing her on to be the first house in Augher since records began to take the decorations down before New Year’s Eve.

An anonymous source confirmed:

“I hope she bloody does it. It’ll set a precedent and although there’s a chance she’ll be burned out of it by local fanatics, we’ll stand with her. I’ve already secretly removed 17 balls from my tree and no one batted an eyelid.”

Although very few houses still keep their decorations up until the old traditional date around the 6th of January, it is still frowned upon in mid-Tyrone if they are taken down before Auld Lang Syne is sung.

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Disaster As Omagh Runs Out Of Fruited Cheese TWO DAYS Before Christmas

fruited-cheesesBusinesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.

Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.

Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.

Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:

“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”

A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.

Cookstown Man Buys Wife Christmas Present In Local Spar For 4th Year Running

SPARA Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.

Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.

Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.

Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:

“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”

Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.

Clonoe Man Hailed A Hero In LA

 

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Artist’s Impression of Hero

 

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week. 

McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.

Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.

“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”

When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.

The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:

“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”

In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.

McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.

Moortown Woman To Sue Cookstown Disco For Not Getting A Man Between 1990 and 1994 Due To Smoke Machine.

smoke_machineA Moortown spinster maintains she has a solid case to take against Clubland in Cookstown after claiming that the smoke machine they used during the slow dances made it impossible for potential suitors to see her all done up. 

Hillary McClintock (53) is hoping to claim up to £10’000 in damages after she failed to get one curt over a four-year period despite attending the disco for over 200 consecutive weeks and twice one week over Christmas. Her barrister maintains that he has evidence that the smoke machine made it much harder for Hillary to show off her rugged loughshore looks, even during Bryan Adams slow songs.

“My client even wore figure-hugging dungarees which we all know are irresistible to lads from Clonoe and Brackaville. It doesn’t make any sense. My sister who had two eyes heading in different directions met her future husband during a Wet Wet Wet song even with the smoke coming down. Not sure if I’ve just ruined my own argument there.”

McClintock has yet to say how the £10’000 was arrived at but is confident she will at least get a voucher of some sort, even though the Pink Pussycat nightclub doesn’t exist any more.

Meanwhile, scientists in Queen’s University in Belfast have revealed that the most likely song to get a partner at a Cookstown disco during the 1990s was Cotton Eye Joe.

Sam Maguire To Be Refused Entry If Hard Border Enacted

sam-maguie_2008A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin. 

Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.

A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.

“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”

When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’. 

EXCLUSIVE: Phil Collins Has Been Living In Galbally For 15 Years

Phil Collins Announces "Not Dead Yet" Tour At The Royal Albert HallAfter a long and arduous investigative mission, we can exclusively confirm that Phil Collins has been secretly integrating himself into the Galbally community since 2003 and is frequently heard humming rebel songs to himself on the way home from the shop. 

Collins, who hit fame with the band Genesis and once controversially taught a gorilla to play the drums, moved to the mid-Tyrone settlement after attending the All Ireland Final in 2003 and falling in love with the locals and their untamed ways.

Our reporter told us:

“He feels safe in Galbally. Even though most of them know who he is, they don’t really care and the majority even think he’s shite. He never gets asked to sing at wakes and stuff. I think he likes the anonymity.”

Known locally as ‘Brit Phil’, Collins finished third at the Galbally over-60s solo singing feis last month, singing a mournful version of the Broad Black Brimmer. He was defeated by an 81-year old self-taught yodeller and Hughie Begley, a third cousin of Philomena’s.

Collins is also a regular attendee at Galbally GAA games and can be regularly heard threatening the ref that he’ll not make it out of the ground alive.

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