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Clonoe Man Hailed A Hero In LA
Artist’s Impression of Hero
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week.
McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.
Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.
“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”
When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.
The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:
“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”
In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.
McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.
Shock And Anger Over Grimes/McKee Oscar Snub. Hedges Burnt.
Snubbed again in America
For the 19th consecutive year, many film aficionados across the county have resorted to violence after Donaghmore man Conor Grimes and his Coleraine comic compatriot Alan McKee were overlooked at the 87th Academy Awards ceremony in LA on Sunday night.
The Donaghmore Road was said to be ‘ablaze alright‘ after fans of the famous pair went on the rampage in Newmills, Pomeroy and in Grimes’ homeplace of Donaghmore, burning hedges and overturning apple-carts. In Coleraine, angry graffiti was daubed on a wall near the Diamond shopping centre including ‘you can stick your gongs up yer holes‘ and ‘for feck sake, lads‘
A friend of the pair informed us that this may be the last straw:
“We’re rightly hacked off, so we are. That’s 19 years running these lads have been overlooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two packed it in and went back to the undertaking. Grimes even changed his name from Connor to Conor in order to appease the American audience. It’s fixed so it is. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts haven’t a patch on these two.”
McKee reportedly purchased a blue tuxedo in The Moy at the weekend, ‘in case they FaceTime us as a surprise‘ he was heard telling shoppers. Grimes had reportedly been on a no-fry diet since last month and was said to be practising smiling and crying.
The pair, who are currently touring the country with their play ‘‘St Mungo’s Luganulk‘, were unavailable for comment although locals commented that Grimes appeared bleary eyed coming out of an off-licence in Dungannon at 2pm, having stayed up all night to watch the awards show with his loyal dog Malachi.
The news adds to a barren run at the Oscars for the Tyrone movie scene. The last trophy to reside in the county was in 1959 by Galbally director John ‘The Red’ Talbot whose 15-minute subtitled Short Film ‘The Dufflecoat Man’, which depicted a day in the life of a door-to-door pitch fork and rake seller in the area, won a whopping 13 awards.
Brackaville Men ‘Most Desirable On Planet’ Says American Magazine
Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally
In an article titled ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back’, an American lifestyle magazine ‘Hotter’ remarkably claimed last week that Brackaville men are every woman’s fantasy as well as every other man’s nightmare. The publication, which is read by 12 million people across the States, based their findings on three Brackaville men who holidayed in Los Angeles recently and wooed local women with their knowledge of engines and drinking.
Hillary Scott, Relationship Expert for the magazine, explained further:
“I think their surnames were Gillis, O’Hagan and McNally. They arrived over on the Sunday and by Wednesday half of LA were hanging around their front door, pretending to have car problems. I myself pulled up saying my vehicle was spluttering. Well Gillis, in his flannelette checked shirt unbuttoned to his naval, oily arms and sweet smell of grass, came over and kicked my tyres several times. He obviously knew what he was doing. Then in those dulcet Irish tones he said ‘she’s a baste of a motor thon’. Well I swooned.”
Not all were enamoured with their presence as husbands and boyfriends sulked at home whilst their ladyfriends talked nonstop over phones and texts about ‘going Brack’ for a night.
“We were glad to see the back of those dudes,” Hank Young told us. “Our womenfolk were drooling in their sleep. And I can see why. They gave off the impression they hadn’t washed in weeks and slept in their clothes. How can an American man compete with that wild rugged look? And they can drink. Boy they can down them.”
Meanwhile Brackaville’s plans to have ‘Once You Go Brack, You Never Go Back‘ on their signpost coming out of Coalisland have been scuppered by Aughabrack who claim to have patented the phrase years ago.
Tyrone Tribulations 