Category Archives: Omagh
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
Omagh’s Leisure Complex has become the centre of a dispute between American presidential candidate Donald Trump and authorities after he demanded that all votes are recounted like the way they do in Tyrone’s capital.
Trump, who once tried to build a golf course in Brackaville before being scared off by a resident goat, wants all the counters to wear blue tabards and for winners to shout ‘yeeeeooo’ or sing a hymn depending on their nature.
A White House spokesperson added:
“Yes Trump often sat up all night with popcorn and eating cabbage and spuds whilst glued to what’s going on in Omagh Leisure Centre or even in Magherafelt. He likes the transparency and speed of it all and even shouted ‘yeeeeeoo’ no matter who won.”
It is believed that Biden is opposed to the idea, citing the time six counters delayed the final outcome of a count in Omagh in 2012 by all going home, thinking they’d left the immersion heater on.
Meanwhile, Biden has promised that one of the first things he’ll do if elected is turn the mountains of Pomeroy into a World Heritage Site.
Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.
St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.
Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:
“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”
Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.
Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.
Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes.
Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.
Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.
Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:
“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”
Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
A number of the Tyrone Senior GAA panel were today in a recording studio in Omagh compiling a short 2-track album of ‘The Sash My Father Wore’ and ‘The Ladies Orange Lodge’ as a gesture of reconciliation, after some of the younger players were filmed belting out a rebel song coming home from beating Cavan at the weekend.
Although none of them were actually caught singing the song that was recently heard on the Alan Partridge show, as senior members of the squad they decided to live up to their role model statuses.
A leaked video of the session in Omagh today showed Colm Cavanagh furiously but happily hammering away at a Lambeg Drum with the Donnelly brothers adept at flute accompaniment.
The squad member added:
“Who knew Colm would be great at the Lambeg too? The only downside was Petey Harte who didn’t seem to know how to play the triangle at all, always missing the beat by a good bit. He was asked to leave before the end – a musical black card of sorts which I thought was harsh.”
He also informed us that McShane sang like an angel, accompanied by McCurry who rapped a portion of The Sash to give it a modern slant.
The 2-track album will be available on Spotify by tonight and in all good record stores. A squad member confirmed tonight that all proceeds will go to the building of a massive bonfire in the middle of Carrickmore on the 11th night.
Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.
“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”
Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.
Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:
“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”
Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.
Spencer, the 7-year-old cat who disappeared from its home on the Kelvin Road in February, has finally returned home ‘as if it had never been away’ according to his owners.
Remarkably, the Peke-faced Persian now miaows in a French accent, sparking rumours that Spencer may have accidentally boarded a plane at Aldergrove or got the ferry across to France.
Tommy Winters, who bought the cat off a man near Bundoran in 2012 for £300, admitted that, although they were delighted to see Spencer again, he had changed somewhat and now spends his time womanising around the estate.
“Because of his French miaow he seems to think he is someone now. And to be fair, the women cats are loving it. He’s just not the same cat though around the house and almost looks at us with disdain, walking around the house in a cool way like John Travolta.”
Winters revealed that Spencer had now acquired a taste for expensive cheese and steak tartare with onions.
Meanwhile the PSNI in Omagh have appealed again for local men to think twice before taking their tops off during this good spell. Seventeen complaints were made to the police yesterday regarding ‘unsightly standing’ at street corners.
With county football starting opportunities limited, Ronan O’Neill has decided step away from the county scene to focus on his two greatest loves – Omagh GAA and dabbing.
The St Enda’s star, whose skilful approach to the game is under appreciated in the modern era, will throw his lot into trying to win the championship with his beloved Omagh as well as becoming the face of Dip Dabs, the fruit flavoured sherbet dip, in Ireland.
Gareth Shields, O’Neill’s long time agent, admitted this could be the start of a promising modelling career for the handsome ex-Omagh CBS starlet.
“Dip Dabs are still massive in Tyrone. The amount of young ones running around Omagh with white stuff under their noses is testament to that. Ronan can now send sherbet consumption in GAA circles into the stratosphere. That dab he did in Croke Park years ago was a genius marketing move from the lad.”
One of O’Neill’s toughest markets will be the greater Tattyreagh area who are notorious Sherbet Dip people. Many still remember the 1987 incident when a Dip Dab merchant attempted to sell his wares under the counter at the missions and was set alight by a gaggle of elderly worshippers.
An Omagh welder admitted he regrets pulling a cross face at his son out his back yard after the wind changed and left him permanently scowling.
Patrick McEnoy (48) claims his life is now a misery as everyone he encounters thinks he hates them, even when he’s being nice or thinking of nothing at all.
Only last week McEnoy received the shocking news that he had been sacked from his volunteering jobs at the local youth club after several children returned to their parents in tears, complaining that McEnoy hated all of their knot-tying attempts and paintings.
The welder explained:
“I was putting on a cross face at my son who was trailing a cat across the yard to be one of his goal posts. Then all of a sudden a big gust of wind came and I’m permanently like this. It’s a torture. My wife things I hate everything she does which isn’t always the case.”
McEnoy maintains he has tried to stand out in windy conditions ever since, trying to put on his normal face, but that a sudden unexpected gust is hard to come by.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board have revealed that today’s half-time entertainment at the Tyrone/Cavan game will involve divers diving off diving boards onto the Healy Park surface.
Tyrone have decided to up the ante this weekend in an attempt to gather their first points in the National League by pretending that Sunday’s game in Healy Park is actually the All Ireland final.
Charging away spectators 90 Euros, the Tyrone County Board are confident that their plans will spook Mayo into losing what we believe will be their 23rd All Ireland Final defeat in a row. In an effort to make the event even more realistic, the board have developed a new ‘Dick Clerkin End’ of the ground where under 8s will be rounded up into and made to sit down and shut up.
Explaining their decision, a county spokesman said that no expense will be spared to recreate All Ireland Final day and put the shivers up Mayo:
“We all know Mayo have lost their last 39 All Ireland Finals. If we can get the 80’000 into Healy Park, the Artane Band and some boy to jump out of a helicopter with the ball before the game, we’ll be well on our way to those two points. Making sure half the crowd are well inebriated shouldn’t be a problem either.”
The Tyrone Board have admitted that fooling Michael D Higgins into attending will take a bit of work because of a bad experience Higgins had with a girl from Omagh in 1958.
Businesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.
Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.
Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.
Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”
A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
A Gortin Road man has been given the green light to tie the knot with Sandra the sat-nav after Vatican officials were satisfied of the genuine love between the pair.
Vivian McVicker (77) admitted he was over the moon to get permission from the Holy See to complete nuptials for what he predicts will be the happiest day of his life on October 21st 2019.
McVicker and Sandra began their 6-year relationship after he installed the device on a 2005 Toyota Corolla he bought at an auction in Cookstown.
Despite many public arguments, the worst when she took him to Aughabrack instead of Sion Mills and he threatened to throw her into the Mourne River, family and friends have revealed it has been a mostly harmonious relationship.
Best man Tommy McVicker added:
“Every Sunday you’d see them heading off to Bundoran or Downings for an outing and him and her talking away. Sometimes he’d lose the bap when she’d go on about doing a u-bend and he’d be shouting at her to give over about u-bends as he’s just stopping for mineral and crisps.”
Local clergymen have warned their congregations that this is not a go-ahead for other farmer-appliance weddings in the future.
After denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.
Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:
“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”
Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.
Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.
As part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time.
The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.
Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.
“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”
The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.
Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday.
With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.
Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:
Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:
“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”
Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.
Teachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead.
Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.
A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “
Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .
Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.
An Omagh dentist has admitted to consuming a ‘heavier than normal quota of lunch drinks’ before drilling five fillings into a patient’s dentures, resulting in both men fainting due to plastic toxins.
Dr Joe Quinn, who served time in 1986 for using dogs’ teeth on patients without their knowledge, has vowed to replace Vivian McSorley’s dentures free of charge after the mishap which also set off the building’s fire alarms.
McSorley’s wife maintains her husband might never go back to a dentist again after the experience:
“Viv was already apprehensive about dentists but after this experience he may never go back. He was only in for a check up to see if the dentures were sitting properly. Within minutes, Dr Quinn was drilling all types of holes into them with plastic and smoke flying everywhere. Poor Viv was all confused and eventually passed out on the fumes.”
Dr Quinn also fainted due to the toxic amalgamation of mercury and plastic. After being revived, Quinn admitted to consuming a bowl of stew at lunch, washed down by a bottle of prosecco, five pints of Harp and 3 chasers before returning to work.
Meanwhile, a prisoner who broke out Maghaberry prison to go to a dentist in Lisburn due to an unbearable toothache has been commended for his hygiene determination but had his sentence extended by 3 months.