Category Archives: Omagh

Process To Defrost Cryogenically Frozen Joe McMahon Begins After Impressive Donaghy Performance

 

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Artist’s impression of McMahon defrosting

Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom. 

 

Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.

The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.

An insider warned us:

“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”

Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.

“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”

Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’

 

Bushy Eyebrow Epidemic Threatens To Scupper Tyrone’s Title Defence

peter-harteThe current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal. 

The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.

Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.

Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:

“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”

seancavanagh_appConspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.

The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.

Tiernan-Mc-Cann

Two Finger Insult Back In Style As One Finger Phased Out

55846463After a 2-year campaign to phase out the one-fingered gesture of displeasure, a Tyrone Tourism Board report has confirmed that the 2-fingered salute is now almost exclusively used in the county, especially by motorists or children in school buses.

The one finger, which wikipedia claims is “roughly equivalent in meaning to “fuck off,” “fuck you,” “shove it up your ass,” “up yours,” or “go fuck yourself…”, apparently dates back to Ancient Greece but was first used in Tyrone in 1986 when they defeated Derry and a supporter offered the sign to a Derry corner back at full time.

By the mid-90s, the two-fingered insult was almost completely extinct in the county and the ‘flipping the bird’ was commonly used in all aspects of daily life from farming to the court rooms.

Finger insult expert Harry Coyle (88) admitted he never thought he’d live to see the day the double fingers would come back into modern usage:

“I’ve a tear in my eye reading this report. I can remember a pile of us from Omagh giving Ronald Reagan the fingers in 1984 in a pub in Tipperary. Never did we think that within 10 years it would be completely phased out for the more American middle finger. I never accepted it but can confirm I’ll be giving everyone I don’t like the fingers tomorrow, starting at Mass.”

PSNI officials have warned drivers that people giving other motorists the fingers will be fined as it suggests you’ve only one hand on the wheel. The middle finger can still be used if the hand still is still touching the steering wheel.

Meanwhile, a campaign to bring back the subtle lifting of one finger off the steering wheel in a friendly acknowledgement of oncoming motorists has stalled due to a lack of funding,

Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement

_80555939_joemcmahonAs Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.

McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:

“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”

The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.

“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”

Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.

Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.

klein-fabricat-80er-retro-sprinter-shorts-glanznylon-kurz-grün-vornThe PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.

Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.

Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:

“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”

Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.

“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”

Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.

Omagh Election Poster Maker ‘Richest Man In Ireland’ According To Sunday Times Rich-List

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lucrative business

A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper. 

John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.

Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:

“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”

McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.

McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.

“I can categorically state that was NOT me”

he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.

McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.

St Brigid Was Very Cross Says Omagh Historian

 

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Artist’s impression of Brigid

As thousands of St Brigid’s Crosses were being made in schools and homes across the country today, an esteemed Omagh historian has confirmed that Brigid was indeed extremely cross and maybe persistently grumpy all the time, even moreso than your average woman in Tyrone today. 

 

Reportedly born in Louth around 453, a young Brigid was said to be a cryey baby due to never-ending teething problems which, locals maintained, never really went away throughout her later life. Omagh historian Luke Graham added:

“I’ve spoken to a few people whose ancestors remembered Brigid and they confirmed that she was fairly crabbed most of the time due to teeth problems amongst other things. She also turned water into beer for visiting clergy and maybe suffered from hangover symptoms. But she was definitely very cross, with warnings often given out to worshippers that ‘Brigid’s cross today’ before she performed a mass.”

Brigid’s mood worsened after being sent to Kildare to start up a convent, a place she reportedly called ‘the arsehole of nowhere’, despite hinting that she’d prefer the bright lights of Dublin or Belfast. Rumours also persist today that she wasn’t hopeful of Kildare competing for the Sam Maguire in the near future, even though GAA was still 1800 years away from forming.

Graham this morning revealed a startling and little-known fact about the great saint:

“Brigid used to make these boomerang things out of rushes and fire them at her pupils if they misbehaved. They’d take the eye out of your head. Pure lethal. When the rumour went around that ‘Brigid’s cross today’, you were sure to see the woman herself arrive with a creelful of rushes under her arm, gurning.”

Brigid once visited Dungannon but didn’t like it.

 

DUP Man’s Brother Thought His Wood Pellet Boiler Was Fake Fire Ornament

245fdbda-c518-488d-8de8-872c9fe48449_2-2c885ef75e488b8354865b7f4a3101b6The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.

Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.

On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:

“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”

The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.

Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.

 

Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.

 

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Healy Park, this morning

A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’. 

 

Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.

“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”

Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.

“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”

As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.

Worried Tyrone Celebrities To Enter Underground Bunker In Omagh To See Out 2016

 

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Lynette Fay enters bunker

Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.

 

Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.

Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:

“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”

Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.

The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.

Misunderstanding As Barry McElduff Arrives In Stormont Dressed For Today’s ‘Panto’

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Barry raring to go

Close friends of West Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff confirmed that the Carrickmore man was putting a brave face on it tonight after he arrived at Stormont dressed as a panto dame due to a misunderstanding by text.

McElduff, whose book Keep ‘Er Lit was narrowly overlooked for the Booker Prize last year, reportedly received a message to his phone from a Sinn Fein MLA stating that it was ‘well and truly panto season in Stormont today’, in reality referring to the Arlene Foster/HRI scheme debacle played out in Belfast this morning.

Omagh fancy dress shop owner Leo Kelly revealed how an excited McElduff arrived on his doorstep at 10am:

“We all had a fair idea that Barry likes dressing up and is game for anything. But I underestimated his desire to become an established panto dame. He tried on about a dozen different dresses and already had the make-up on him before he arrived. He was jumping about like a child on Christmas morning, bless him.”

Stormont officials admitted they feared the worst when they saw a small man in a dress, wearing heavy lipstick come tearing up Stormont lane shouting things like ‘oh no he’s not’ and ‘she’s behind you’.

Doorman Billy Bateson described the heartbreak:

“Ah you had to see his wee face. He was hyped up and it took a good ten minutes before he accepted that it was just a big misunderstanding. After the penny dropped we let him try a joke anyway. I said to him ‘I hear eggs are going up’ and he gleefully replied ‘that’ll surprise a few chickens’. He laughed for a few seconds, we all did, before the reality of the situation hit us again.”

As McElduff’s taxi pulled out, Gerry Adams was seen shaking his head from an upstairs window.

New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’

blank_x_box_one_cover_by_unknownsoldier9865-d6y95lvA new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.

After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.

In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:

NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!

  • ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
  • EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
  • OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
  • DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
  • CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
  • TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
  • DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!

NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!

  • JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
  • SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
  • DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
  • 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
  • MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!

NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!

  • CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
  • MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
  • UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
  • REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
  • SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.

NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!

  • JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
  • MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
  • TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
  • MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
  • and much, much more

Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99

Entire County Of Tyrone To Be Airlifted To Mars

by Plunkett McJunket

493565471xDue to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.

The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.

American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.

“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.

At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.

Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.

Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying

“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.

To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.

A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.

Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition

a21dbba9-eb6c-40bf-b141-cb8f3cab4529-1In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year. 

Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.

The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.

Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:

“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”

It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.

“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.

added Maguire.

The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.

Priest Admits He’s Not Deadly At Marriage Guidance

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Photo by Lee Jackson

An Omagh clergyman has broken ranks from Church hierarchy by admitting he’s sort of out-of-his-depth preaching to couples about marriage and the trials and tribulations of the sacrament.

Fr Turley, who turned 68 on Monday, acknowledged that there were times that he was talking ‘completely out of his hole’ about love and relationships:

“There were times when I was talking completely out of my hole”

Turley’s revelation has already sparked a reaction from Rome. Vatican officials have sent missives to all priests which will be read out at Mass on Sunday across the country. It sets out to remind worshippers that:

  • Priests are married to God and have the same ups and downs real people have
  • Many priests were womanisers in their teens and sometimes into their 20s
  • Maynooth Seminary had biology lessons once a year where priests learned all about how they were born

Fr Turley, however, rejects the latest directive:

“What the hell do I know about women? A husband came to me recently complaining that his wife isn’t interested in nocturnal activities any more. I just told him to say three Hail Marys and the Confiteor. I was completely out of my depth.”

Turley also admitted his visits to schools to talk about relationships and love usually ended up in children throwing rubbers and crayons at him.

Meanwhile, an ecclesiastical study by Queen’s university has revealed that over 70% of Eucharistic Ministers are ‘some of the biggest crooks in the community’, a claim Fr Turley refused to refute, instead laughing and muttering something about ‘don’t I know it’.

St Enda, The Patron Saint Of Flooding, A ‘Bad Choice’ For Omagh Says Priest

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Omagh this evening

Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.

St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:

“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”

However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.

Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

Tyrone Investigative Journalist Uncovers Extent Of Dublin GAA Wealth

000c2486-642An independent journalist from Omagh has finally released a body of work he undertook over a year ago which reveals the financial advantage the Dublin GAA team has over the rest of the country.

In a remarkably detailed document, John McGorry explains how:

 

  • Dublin players sleep in an oxygen chamber over night
  • Some players rest in an ice compartment for up to three days after an injury
  • Meals are delivered to their houses/workplaces and are fed the food by Vietnamese women spoonful by spoonful
  • They are given free new Sunday clothes, every Sunday
  • Their toenails are cut to suit their boots
  • They have been given eye treatment better than 20:20 vision
  • Their wives, girlfriends and boyfriends are given shopping tokens at the start of every month for to the value of 4000 Euros
  • They’ve been given mobile phones with pre-installed numbers for the Taoiseach, Westlife, Boyzone, U2 but not Bono, Conor McGregor, Robbie Keane and others
  • They can use the bus lane without prosecution
  • They have a private suite in Coppers and only nurses or pre-vetted mature students can visit
  • And other stuff

McGorry added:

“I’m not going to spoil my sales of the book by revealing too much but that is the tip of the iceberg. You should see their teeth. I know of one of their forwards who has 44 teeth, simply because he asked for them, and he’s a real biter so I can see why. The advantage they have is astronomical. One of their All-Star half-backs has a £3m wrist watch which tells the time in 45 different languages.”

McGorry’s book, called ‘The Well To Do Boys In Blue’, also explores how a handsome corner forward has spent over 500’000 Euros on liposuction, botox and colonic irrigation in order to maintain his film star looks.

The book goes on sale in September in all good book stores.

Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016

dallol

Eglish Lough, 2016

Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.

 

OMAGH

“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)

COOKSTOWN

“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)

MOY

“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)

STRABANE

“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)

ARDBOE

“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)

Teachers Fail To Dig A Hole In Omagh Summer Scheme

Failed attempt

Failed attempt

A summer scheme, set up to keep teachers busy over the holiday period, has been abandoned after one day due to their inability to dig a hole.

‘Real Work’, a teacher/summer work scheme initiated by the Omagh Management Group (OMG), saw seven teachers from the west Tyrone area sign up to four weeks of tasks including digging holes and lifting things.

OMG director Harvey O’Hanlon admitted he had to call a halt to proceedings after just one task on Monday morning:

“It was a disaster. The task for the seven teachers was to dig a hole in a field, approximately 4 foot deep. The History teacher started lecturing the rest on the origin of holes and spades. The Geography teacher kept taking pointless measurements of humidity and soil samples. The Maths teacher was scribbling away at angles and such like for the spade to enter the earth. After 30 minutes, not one had lifted the spade itself.”

O’Hanlon revealed he started to lose patience when the teacher of English began reciting Heaney poetry:

“Digging is a wonderful poem alright but it wasn’t going to get the hole dug. The PE teacher wasn’t much help either. He just kept bouncing a ball and blowing whistles and pointing. The RE teacher took the biscuit. She made everyone get down on their knees and said a prayer for the dig that was about to take place. Only it didn’t. Shower of wasters.”

The seventh teacher, a Chemistry educator from the town, did manage to lift the spade but subsequently went out on the sick. Teaching unions are to issue a statement later, advising teachers to do nothing over the summer and to stay away from outdoor activities involving manual labour. 

Tuesday’s task of lifting a plank from one side of a barn to the other has been shelved until further notice.

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