Category Archives: Omagh

Over 1000 Amazon Echo Devices Returned In Tyrone Yesterday Over Language Barrier Differences

 

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Alexa getting rough treatment

Pub and shop owners in the county have urged people to stop giving off about Alexa after it emerged that over 1000 households in the county returned their Amazon Echo devices due to its inability to understand locals and vice versa.

 

In one extreme example, a man in his 40s from Eskra was witnessed kicking the device around his garden at 3pm on Christmas Day after it failed to understand “Alex, play the one ‘Mon Boy Light Thon Fire’ by that band The Durs” after 200 requests to do so.

Electronics expert Roger McGinnity from Omagh offered advice for locals who have yet to return their device:

“Alexa isn’t programmed to understand the subtleties of the Tyrone dialect. Asking it ‘is it coul the day?’ will confused the system and result in annoyance on both sides. My advice is to think of what you want to ask and have a dictionary nearby and mouth out the words that way. It’s still a useful device.”

The Amazon data team revealed that the most asked questions to Alexa in the county on Christmas Day were: ‘Alexa, will Trone win the All-Ireland the year?’ and ‘Alexa, are the cops nearby atall?’

Meanwhile a 43-year old man from Ardboe has proposed to the machine, surrounded by family and friends. Although Alexa was non-committal, a service will go ahead on New Year’s Eve, the first of its kind in the county.

 

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Omagh Road Runners ‘Fastest In West Europe’. Sperrin Gold Mine On Red Alert.

 

gold-teeth

Average Omagh man in 2020?

 

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

News of an annual report from Strava, a website and mobile app that allows you to track cycling and running speeds and which revealed that Omagh has the fastest runners in the whole of Scotland, Wales, England and the North of Ireland, has alarmed Canadian based gold mining company Dalradian Resources – the firm seeking to extract Gold deposits from the Sperrin Mountains.   

According to Dalradian, the Sperrins holds more than four million ounces of gold, with an unnamed representative adding:

“Most of the pure stuff lies in Tyrone, with the lower grade shite in the Derry parts – but to be honest we are mostly concerned that each of those potential employees who sent us their CVs are world-class sprinters. It hardly fills a gold mining  company with confidence, given the security issues we face on a daily basis world-wide with workers trying to sneak out the stuff in increasingly cunning ways.”

Pete “Legs”  MacDougal, a former mining engineer in the silver mines in Stirling, Scotland, confirmed it’s a trend he’s seen before:

“In ‘98/‘99, Stirling had the fastest runners in the whole of the UK. It was no coincidence either that they were queueing up for the mining work, with one a week on average legging it past security while flashing a smile of a solid gold front row teeth. From the stories I’ve heard of Tyrone people, I wouldn’t put it past them Omagh folks to have been doing sprint drills for years just waiting on the mining project to get the green light”

Both Darren Clarke and Rory McIlroy have been spotted in Sallys recently, watching YouTube videos on how to fill golf balls with gold. It is understood a syndicate of as yet unnamed individuals are planning on constructing a giant washing machine with a magnet in the back, so that McIlroy can train them how to drive gold filled golf balls 350 yards out over any potential security fences.

In unrelated news Spandau Ballet are due to play Sallys night club this St Stephen’s night- with Gold VIP tickets priced at £3.50 each. All proceeds go to a good Claus.

 

Dickens Wrote A Christmas Carol After A Week Holidaying In Cavan, Says Omagh Historian

 

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Cavan man

A top Omagh literary historian, Dr John McGarvey, has concluded that Charles Dickens got his inspiration for A Christmas Carol after being forced to holiday in Ballyjamesduff with his parents in 1839 for a whole week. 

 

Poring over Dickens’ diaries from that time, Dr McGarvey is adamant that the character of Scrooge could be based on over 40 different men he encountered during his stay in the 1966/67 Irish Tidy Towns Winner location.

McGarvey added:

“A few times Dickens, who was only a teenager at the time, wrote about local men as ‘the most wretched and miserable humans to walk this entire land’ and wrote of a man who liked to sit around the fire on a cold winter’s night and if it was really bad, he’d even light it.”

Nailing down who the character of Scrooge was seemed to be an impossible task though McGarvey is looking into the possibility of it being a certain ‘Hugh Reilly’ of whom it was said he was so tight that he would only breathe in and would check under his bed in the morning to see if he’d lost any sleep.

Adding strength to McGarvey’s claim, the word ‘humbug’ is a close relation to the local Cavan gaelic word ‘hámbeag’ which means ‘tight’.

McGarvey concluded:

“I’m leaning towards the idea that Scrooge was based on Hugh Reilly. It was said that Reilly once found a discarded pair of manmade crutches, went home and broke his son’s leg so he could use them.”

A5 Dualling Derry to Aughnacloy Road To Cut Travel Time To America By At Least An Hour

20100809mapA5upgradePeople travelling through Aughnacloy from Derry to Dublin to get the plane to America were today said to be extremely ecstatic at the news that work will start early next year on the first stage of a new A5 dual carriageway .

The big road, which should begin construction over 10 years after it was first agreed to proceed with the plan, will be made of tarmac and should shave an hour off the journey to the capital.

It has already emerged that the first tea break will last over 3 hours as the expected forecast for Derry in February 2018 is heavy rain with a touch of sleet.

Local Ballygawley road-building expert Sammy McGinn admitted he was annoyed at the prospect of not working on the carriageway:

“They reckon it’ll cost over a billion pounds to build the thing. I could have done it for a 5-figure sum over the space of 2 weekends. Sure they’ve already spent £70m on it and not a finger lifted. That’s some tea-break.”

Despite McGinn’s reservations, a spate of flights have already been booked to America by residents of Omagh and Strabane even though it’ll probably not be finished till 2020.

A travel agent in Strabane has taken out an inaccurate ad, boasting ‘get til America in an hour less than ones from Belfast going to Dublin’. A 15-people queue had formed outside the shop by 10am this morning.

Yellow Snow Warning Issued For Outside Sally’s Of Omagh Sometime Soon

640_1389047899neu3The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably. 

The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:

“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow.  Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”

In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.

A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.

Teamtalkmag All-Stars Event Rocked By Unusual Omagh GAA Players’ Demands

 

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An Omagh WAG gets tucked in

Rose-scented toilets, no yellow M&Ms and ham from Greencastle-born pigs are just three of the unreasonable demands made by various members of the Omagh senior team which left the Teamtalkmag crew scuttling around all day to make sure events ran smoothly tonight in Bundoran. 

 

An insider at the venue leaked the unusual requests made by the county champions, with Joe McMahon surprising organisers with his acute taste.

The list included:

Joe McMahon – a gin slushy machine; food served by buxom women over the age of 50; dressing room at 34 degrees celcius; chicken legs heavily seasoned; an assortment of chewing gum and a box of toothpicks. 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as vitamin water to bathe his dogs in.

 
Ronan O’Neill – 1 large plush and animal print (cheetah, leopard) throw rug  for his dressing room, must be clean as he will walk on it barefoot; 4 small, clear, square vases with white tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage); 1 professional quality steamer; 1 Vicks steam inhaler and food items should be fresh and covered by clear plastic wrap at the dining table

Paddy Crozier – A jar of quality honey; plastic drinking straws; 1 pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream; 16 cans Sugar-Free Red Bull; large fresh jumbo shrimps with cocktail sauce and plenty of lemons and 1 jar of banana pepper rings

Justin McMahon just asked for one electric three wheel mobility scooter.

Kyle Coney is favourite to pick up county player of the year, with the Teamtalkmag team odds on for the GAA news outlet gong for the 19th consecutive year.

 

Omagh Man Destroys Danish Pastry Display After Ireland Defeat

001796_danish-sfeerAn Omagh lawyer has admitted he allowed his passion and temper to get the better of him after obliterating the Danish Pastry display in the Spar in the town this morning at 7am. 

Paul McMahon (56), an avid Republic of Ireland supporter, has been charged with the destruction of 56 cinnamon rolls, 30 raisin swirls and 3 small pecan slices. The Fintona Road man revealed:

“I was still sore enough when I woke up over the humiliation by Denmark the night before. The last thing I needed was a Spar woman trying to promote Danish Pastry in my face at seven in the morning. I completely lost it and fly-kicked the tray out of her hand and set about wrecking the whole section. I don’t regret it. Feck them.”

Local shopper Damien Hurson, who happened to be perusing the cabbages at the same time, countered this version of events and went as far as denying it ever happened:

“Yous Tyrone Tribulations ones do this every year when Ireland get bate. Yous made up a story about a man ruining the kiwis in a fruit shop when New Zeland beat them in the rugby and a man wrecking the french bread stall when Henry handled the ball. Get new material, OK?”

Local historians have warned people to refrain from targeting Danish Pastry displays as it was the Austrians who invented them.

Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

Proposed Gigantic Mirror Will Dissect Omagh To Hide Unsightly Empty Spaces Due To School Merger

MCOOPER0651By West Tyrone Reporter Lee Turavod

Omagh District Council have unveiled their staggering new initiative to tackle the issue of empty, desolate spaces all around the town as seventeen of its schools relocate to the new Strule-Lisanelly-Gortin Road-Army Camp location/social experiment facility.

Senior Councilwoman Bridgeen-og  MacNeillis- Carruthers announced this morning in her highly anticipated news conference that a gigantic mirror will be constructed that will dissect Omagh from the Folk Park to the Meat Factory. Carruthers outlined how this new mirror will allow the people of Omagh to continue living blissfully within the town’s environs without having to worry about all those boarded up buildings and empty spaces.

She elaborated:

“the mirror will reflect everything so there will be two of all the things that are already there…meaning no one will even notice or worry about those empty spaces”

She also stated

“as there will now be two of everything – like Lidls and The Carlisle Book Shop, traffic will be far quieter and no one will ever again get stuck in Campsie for 11 hours when they were just popping out to buy an angle-grinder or a new set of Scholl in-soles.”

When pressed as to how the council came up with this plan, Bridgeen-Og admitted that the simultaneous opening of two Mexican eateries last year provided the inspiration:

“…even though one of them had to be closed down because it refused to sell chips”.

The Councilwoman also stressed that:

“We already have one cinema and another one going up and we’re planning to reopen the original hospital on the Hospital Road too – so this will limit how much strain is put on the actual mirror”.

On covering the estimated 90 Million pounds mirror construction, maintenance and revolutionary early warning system to stop people walking into it, Carruthers assured those still listening:

“We’ll all have to tighten our belts because we know this is the best possible solution and everyone I’ve spoken to seems happy to do their bit”.

Construction begins after the first hard frost but not before the clocks go back.

Tyrone-Born RTE Executive Makes Compromise Over Partitionist Map By Just Excluding Derry

Irish_Counties_MapFollowing the furore over a map displayed on the RTE’s Late Late Show which showed six counties missing, a graphic executive from Omagh has offered an alternative map to be used on the show next week which sees Derry alone removed from the country. 

Sean Malone, who joined the organisation after completing a BTech in ICT in 2009, maintains the compromise is something he hopes is palatable to the majority of the country.

“I can’t see anyone having any problems with this new map. By doing this, we make sure people like Joe Brolly, Dana, Eoghain Quigg, Fergal Sharkey, Eamonn McCann, Phil Coulter and Nigel Dodds can’t appear on TV. Seamus Heaney’s poetry may be used. We’ll make an exception for that. This isn’t something personal against Derry as some are suggesting. I’ve had great nights in the Elk.”

Early indications show a slightly less angry response from the public over the new map although many are still puzzled as to why a 32-county map just can’t be used.

Malone explained:

“That would mean acknowledging we messed up. We will never admit that. Or that we don’t really like those counties up there. By giving you back 5 of the 6 counties shows a serious level of humility and generosity from the RTE hierarchy. Just be happy with your lot or we’ll take out Fermanagh.”

Meanwhile a televised RTE Mass from the ecclesiastical of Ireland has been cancelled due to none of the production team knowing where it is.

Process To Defrost Cryogenically Frozen Joe McMahon Begins After Impressive Donaghy Performance

 

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Artist’s impression of McMahon defrosting

Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom. 

 

Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.

The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.

An insider warned us:

“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”

Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.

“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”

Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’

 

Bushy Eyebrow Epidemic Threatens To Scupper Tyrone’s Title Defence

peter-harteThe current strain of Bushy Eyebrow Syndrome (BES) is proving difficult to contain in Tyrone, according medical experts, raising concerns about Tyrone’s upcoming Ulster semi-final against Donegal. 

The 2017 version of the BES virus, which usually returns in anger every 25 years in the county, appears to be a particularly vicious towards young, fit male members of society with medical practitioners unable to halt the spread of it.

Because of their busy schedule, the Tyrone senior GAA side have been badly affected, as well as Omagh CBS. Rumours tonight maintain that Darren McCurry is currently unable to see out of his left eye, which he tends to use a lot during matches.

Pat McGarry, a water man for the squad, confirmed:

“I can’t see us winning. Both goalkeepers are almost blinded with the busy eyebrows now and they’re bad enough with full eyesight. Sean Cavanagh has only recently contacted the virus because he was training on his own but he’s in big trouble now. The BES is a balax.”

seancavanagh_appConspiracy theorists maintain that the virus was brought into the county by a young Donegal supporter who popped into Sally’s in Omagh for a feed and purposely kept wiping his eyebrows on chairs and tables, spreading the disease like wildfire within hours.

The county squad have asked over 20 middlin club players to be on stand-by for next weekend in case BES wipes out the entire squad.

Tiernan-Mc-Cann

Two Finger Insult Back In Style As One Finger Phased Out

55846463After a 2-year campaign to phase out the one-fingered gesture of displeasure, a Tyrone Tourism Board report has confirmed that the 2-fingered salute is now almost exclusively used in the county, especially by motorists or children in school buses.

The one finger, which wikipedia claims is “roughly equivalent in meaning to “fuck off,” “fuck you,” “shove it up your ass,” “up yours,” or “go fuck yourself…”, apparently dates back to Ancient Greece but was first used in Tyrone in 1986 when they defeated Derry and a supporter offered the sign to a Derry corner back at full time.

By the mid-90s, the two-fingered insult was almost completely extinct in the county and the ‘flipping the bird’ was commonly used in all aspects of daily life from farming to the court rooms.

Finger insult expert Harry Coyle (88) admitted he never thought he’d live to see the day the double fingers would come back into modern usage:

“I’ve a tear in my eye reading this report. I can remember a pile of us from Omagh giving Ronald Reagan the fingers in 1984 in a pub in Tipperary. Never did we think that within 10 years it would be completely phased out for the more American middle finger. I never accepted it but can confirm I’ll be giving everyone I don’t like the fingers tomorrow, starting at Mass.”

PSNI officials have warned drivers that people giving other motorists the fingers will be fined as it suggests you’ve only one hand on the wheel. The middle finger can still be used if the hand still is still touching the steering wheel.

Meanwhile, a campaign to bring back the subtle lifting of one finger off the steering wheel in a friendly acknowledgement of oncoming motorists has stalled due to a lack of funding,

Tensions High In McMahon House As Beard Vows To Play On Despite Joe’s Retirement

_80555939_joemcmahonAs Tyrone GAA great Joe McMahon brought down the curtain on his 13-year county career, his beard delivered an unexpected twist with the news that it has declared to play on for another few years, with or without its owner.

McMahon’s beard, who came to prominence during the successful 2008 campaign, is said to be considering its options and may move onto someone like Mark Bradley or Darren McCurry. In a scathing press release, it confirmed that its relationship with McMahon had been strained for years:

“I’m glad he has called it a day. Sure what’s the point of wintering well only to be put through a slogging session every spring. And anyway, I wouldn’t mind teaming up with someone who knows where the posts are. Me and Mark Bradley would be deadly, like something from Game of Thrones.”

The beard appears to be hurting over the lack of consultation in McMahon’s decision to retire, citing the fact that his brother Justin used to treat his beard to spa weekends and long combing sessions.

“All I get is leftover crisps and the odd bit of drink. I made that man. No one had heard of Joe McMahon til that day we beat the Dubs in the rain in ’08 and he appeared in the papers the next day with me dazzling on his chops. And this is what I get.”

Owen Mulligan’s beard has offered counseling to McMahon’s beard after Mulligan’s beard went off the rails post-retirement and was jailed due to an altercation in a casino in Las Vegas in 2014.

Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.

klein-fabricat-80er-retro-sprinter-shorts-glanznylon-kurz-grün-vornThe PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.

Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.

Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:

“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”

Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.

“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”

Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.

Omagh Election Poster Maker ‘Richest Man In Ireland’ According To Sunday Times Rich-List

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lucrative business

A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper. 

John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.

Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:

“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”

McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.

McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.

“I can categorically state that was NOT me”

he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.

McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.

St Brigid Was Very Cross Says Omagh Historian

 

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Artist’s impression of Brigid

As thousands of St Brigid’s Crosses were being made in schools and homes across the country today, an esteemed Omagh historian has confirmed that Brigid was indeed extremely cross and maybe persistently grumpy all the time, even moreso than your average woman in Tyrone today. 

 

Reportedly born in Louth around 453, a young Brigid was said to be a cryey baby due to never-ending teething problems which, locals maintained, never really went away throughout her later life. Omagh historian Luke Graham added:

“I’ve spoken to a few people whose ancestors remembered Brigid and they confirmed that she was fairly crabbed most of the time due to teeth problems amongst other things. She also turned water into beer for visiting clergy and maybe suffered from hangover symptoms. But she was definitely very cross, with warnings often given out to worshippers that ‘Brigid’s cross today’ before she performed a mass.”

Brigid’s mood worsened after being sent to Kildare to start up a convent, a place she reportedly called ‘the arsehole of nowhere’, despite hinting that she’d prefer the bright lights of Dublin or Belfast. Rumours also persist today that she wasn’t hopeful of Kildare competing for the Sam Maguire in the near future, even though GAA was still 1800 years away from forming.

Graham this morning revealed a startling and little-known fact about the great saint:

“Brigid used to make these boomerang things out of rushes and fire them at her pupils if they misbehaved. They’d take the eye out of your head. Pure lethal. When the rumour went around that ‘Brigid’s cross today’, you were sure to see the woman herself arrive with a creelful of rushes under her arm, gurning.”

Brigid once visited Dungannon but didn’t like it.

 

DUP Man’s Brother Thought His Wood Pellet Boiler Was Fake Fire Ornament

245fdbda-c518-488d-8de8-872c9fe48449_2-2c885ef75e488b8354865b7f4a3101b6The brother of West Tyrone DUP member William Nathan has admitted to burning a wood pellet boiler in his living room but claims he thought it was just one of them substitute fire things his wife always threatened to get in.

Sammy Nathan (55) was discovered to have a burner in his house after neighbours became suspicious of the constant red faces of the Nathan family on leaving their house at any time of the day. On arrival at his house near Omagh, inspectors were told by Nathan that the immense feeling of warmth around the house was probably down to it being on a hill and therefore closer to the sun.

On further investigation, over 15 tonnes of wood pellets was discovered in an outhouse which Nathan claimed he believed were ‘cuttings from some kind of woodwork project the wife was doing’. He added:

“Seriously, like. I thought it was one of them substitute fire things that oul people have in their houses. She always talked about having one so I never batted an eyelid when it appeared one day. I honestly didn’t know it was making us £500’000 a year. And them pellets, she’s always making rocking chairs and I just thought it was the shavings. Dead serious like.”

The recent RHI investigation has revealed that Tyrone is the warmest county in Ireland, 2 degrees higher than the national average and rising. Earlier in the month, a heavy snowfall caused consternation after the flakes melted before they hit the ground.

Meanwhile, stove fitter Terence McNeill from Drummurrer is set to be questioned over the 8000 boilers he fitted in 2015.

 

Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.

 

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Healy Park, this morning

A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’. 

 

Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.

“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”

Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.

“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”

As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.

Worried Tyrone Celebrities To Enter Underground Bunker In Omagh To See Out 2016

 

doomsday_bunkers_190tsq5-190tsqe

Lynette Fay enters bunker

Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.

 

Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.

Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:

“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”

Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.

The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.

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Blogger, interrupted...

“since our apparitions, the part of us which appears, are so momentary compared with the other, the unseen part of us, which spreads wide, the unseen might survive, be recovered somehow attached to this person or that, or even haunting certain places, after death. Perhaps - perhaps.”

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AnRoalisticBlog

The only thing better than curling up with a good book to read is sitting down at the computer with a good story to write and film!

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