By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder
Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.
In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland. A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.
The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated
“Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “
A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk
“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”
The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:
“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.
The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:
“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”
We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:
“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”
When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:
“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”
A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added
“We will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”
A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:
“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”
said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail
Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.
Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.
Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.
Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:
“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”
Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:
“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”
Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.
Many new wood pellet boiler owners have complained that installation of home-boilers has become almost impossible due to a clerical error which saw all instructions printed in Irish and Polish since September 2016.
Over 2500 boilers remain uninstalled in areas such as Fermanagh, Dungannon, Ballymena, Bangor and Holywood. As a result, political commentators are predicting a shocking u-turn regarding the DUP’s stance towards the Irish Language Act.
Willie Harper (57) from Caledon in the Clogher Valley, a third cousin of a prominent DUP politician, maintains it’s a stitch up by Sinn Fein or someone ‘fenian with an agenda’.
“How the hell can I install my boiler when the first words are ‘dia duit’? My neighbour says it’s pronounced ditch. Well that’s where the fcukin thing will end up. I looked at the last page and it says ‘oscail an doras’. Who’s Doris? There’s a pile of farmers going to Irish night classes in order to get the boilers up and running. It’s a scam.”
Insiders claim that senior DUP figures have softened their attitude on the idea of an Irish Language act since this news broke. An annonymous backbencher told us:
“I’m nearly sure I heard Nigel Dodds greet Foster with ‘A h’Arlene, cad é mar atá tú?’ They’ve started on it already it appears. Sure even the chickens in Moy Park cluck in Irish as they had to get Irish-speaking boiler men to install the RHI boyos and the chickens picked it up.”
A DUP election poster asking people to ‘vótáil Dodds’ was quickly removed in East Belfast
Close friends of West Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff confirmed that the Carrickmore man was putting a brave face on it tonight after he arrived at Stormont dressed as a panto dame due to a misunderstanding by text.
McElduff, whose book Keep ‘Er Lit was narrowly overlooked for the Booker Prize last year, reportedly received a message to his phone from a Sinn Fein MLA stating that it was ‘well and truly panto season in Stormont today’, in reality referring to the Arlene Foster/HRI scheme debacle played out in Belfast this morning.
Omagh fancy dress shop owner Leo Kelly revealed how an excited McElduff arrived on his doorstep at 10am:
“We all had a fair idea that Barry likes dressing up and is game for anything. But I underestimated his desire to become an established panto dame. He tried on about a dozen different dresses and already had the make-up on him before he arrived. He was jumping about like a child on Christmas morning, bless him.”
Stormont officials admitted they feared the worst when they saw a small man in a dress, wearing heavy lipstick come tearing up Stormont lane shouting things like ‘oh no he’s not’ and ‘she’s behind you’.
Doorman Billy Bateson described the heartbreak:
“Ah you had to see his wee face. He was hyped up and it took a good ten minutes before he accepted that it was just a big misunderstanding. After the penny dropped we let him try a joke anyway. I said to him ‘I hear eggs are going up’ and he gleefully replied ‘that’ll surprise a few chickens’. He laughed for a few seconds, we all did, before the reality of the situation hit us again.”
As McElduff’s taxi pulled out, Gerry Adams was seen shaking his head from an upstairs window.
Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings.
The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.
Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:
“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”
O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.
A booking mishap has resulted in over 30 Sinn Fein members attending a two-hour long concert by the Moygashel Brass Band in honour of the Queen of England and not the Freddie Mercury tribute band.
Seamus ‘The Boiler’ Maguire, the Entertainments Manager for Lough Neagh Sinn Fein, has been stood down from his position since the blunder and has been replaced by the more experienced Henry Cullen.
Lough Neagh Sinn Fein’s Leo McFlynn admitted it was an awkward two hours:
“We’re all big Freddie Mercury fans on the lough shore and were really looking forward to this night out although it being in Moygashel was a bit of a worry from the off. When everyone stood up at the start and the band played God Save The Queen we did too as we thought it was some kind of piss-take, like the way the Sex Pistols would do it.”
For the next 120 minutes, the group sat through renditions of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory and Jerusalem as well as other less recognisable tunes, all played by the Moygashel Brass Band. McFlynn added:
“I was wondering why I was getting sharp glances by a few tattooed men standing at the door when I shouted up ‘play Killer Queen’. The Celtic jersey must have confused them greatly too. We made a run for it during ‘Thine Be The Glory’ before it really was a case of ‘Another One Bites The Dust’.
This is the second time a booking mistake was made by The Boiler Maguire after he hired the x-rated stand up comic from Dungannon Patsy McGlown instead of Pat the Clown for a children’s party in Moortown.
Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.
Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.
In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.
Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:
“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”
McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:
“These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”
The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.
After a long day of counting and failure to declare anyone over the quota threshold in West Tyrone, bi-linguists at the counting centre in Omagh have been told to stop counting in their preferred language as it was causing confusion amongst other counters and onlookers.
Reporters at the Omagh Leisure Complex confirmed that several counters complained about an Irish language expert, Liam Ó Maoilriain, who maintains he can only count out loud. On three occasions several men in the complex all called Cathaoir shouted ‘what’ when Ó Maoilriain reached a ceathair (4), causing other counters to lose concentration and start all over again.
Additionally, Ó Maoilriain claims are no words in the Irish language for the number 1690 which caused serious confusion amongst the official compilers. Two candidates finished on 1690 votes but were given a question mark by Ó Maoilriain who headed off for a pint in Sally’s as soon as he handed his sheet in. With officials unable to find an explanation for the punctuation mark, there was another recount.
Counter Mary Johnston fumed:
“This Ó Maoilriain fellow is a handlin. He thought the whole Cathaoir thing was hilarious and I know he was louder when saying a ceathair compared to other words. He shouldn’t be counting out loud anyway. And he was drunk for the evening’s count and was just guessing how many votes there were by the size of the pile.”
Reports suggest Ó Maoilriain is counting in English today but is purposely going slower, in protest. At 10:30, after 30 minutes of counting, he was only on 6, having taken 7 toilet breaks.
Meanwhile, in an effort to raise flagging spirits, Barry McElduff has set up a spin-the-bottle corner in the complex. Already there have been complaints that McElduff has sabotaged the game as the bottle has continuously stopped at his party members Dillon and O’Neill who have been dared to kiss Barry on the cheek each time.
The newly formed Ghost-Oh Party, whose manifesto includes forming a nudist beach on the loughshore by 2030, were today described as bullish and confident that they’ll make inroads on traditional well-performing parties in the area including Sinn Fein, the DUP and SDLP during Thursday’s assembly election.
Furthermore, Sinn Fein election agents have admitted that Michelle O’Neill, Linda Dillon and Ian Milne are nervous about the impact Joey Coney will have in the Mid-Ulster constituency after his recent promise of curing diabetes, heart disease and consumption before the new year appears to have got tongues wagging in the greater Ardboe area.
SDLP voter Ronnie Stooply added:
“Coney’s a crackpot but he seems to be getting noticed. He said he’ll replace the Ardboe Cross with a bronze statue of Frank McGuigan. We thought that’d lose him the religious vote but it only seemed to have strengthened it. I can see the Ghost-Oh Party pulling in at least 6000 votes, especially now that Coney promises to make Midge ‘n’ Eel Soup a national delicacy and increasing tourism in Ardboe by 4000% because of it.”
Already a smear campaign has begun against Coney, with news leaked to local and national newspapers regarding his murky past which included wrestling with an 80-year old lollipop lady in Cooktown in 1998 over the last Irish News in a newsagent and his refusal to contribute money during the collection plate at Mass throughout the 80s.
“I have the Shinners spooked. My promise to bring the US Masters to Ardboe by 2025 is not a pie-in-the-sky scheme. I’ve already run it by Rory McIlroy and he said ‘aye, right’ and winked which is good enough for me. All Sinn Fein can promise is to fix potholes. I intend to tackle black holes, and we all know what I mean by that…”
..before walking off and laughing like mad at a cow dunging.
Calls have been made from various senior figures in Ulster for Enda Kenny to withdraw the remarks he made last night at a Fine Gael rally in Castlebar when he described the locals as All-Ireland Champions in whingeing.
The Taoiseach, who hails from Castlebar and played Gaelic football for his local club Islandeady, was referring to those who keep moaning about not having enough money and stuff and complaining about banks etc but appears to have bestowed the accolade of national champions without producing any definite evidence.
Fergal Jordan, a fourth cousin of Mickey Harte, fumed:
“This is just typical of the anti-Ulster prejudice that exists down there in Dublin. Has Mr Kenny ever sat on a wall in Fintona and listened to the brilliant whingeing we can do? Too warm, too cold, too poor, too rich, bad TV, young ones nowadays, priests, police, politicians, celebrities, cakes, Garth Brooks, price of coal, global warming, dentists, doctors, death….we can whinge as good as anyone in Ireland and we’ll stand up to anyone who says anything else.”
Jordan, who complained about the length of time this interview was taking, added:
“And was there a back-door system in place? Who did Mayo beat to become All-Ireland Champions? How much money were the Dubs given to improve their whingeing? And I hear Mr Kenny said something about the cynical whingeing in the north, suggesting we’re not really whingeing at all but putting it on. If Mr Kenny maybe did a bit of canvassing up here in Tyrone he’d not be so rash to award his home county with that prestigious title. And by the way, we’re all fine Gaels, not just him and his party.”
Sinn Fein have been asked to boycott future RTE debates until Mr Kenny apologises for the remark and holds an open All-Ireland Whingeing Championship with full provincial and back-door draws.
Following the news of David Cameron’s alleged affection for pigs and other porcine related animals, Dungannon Piggery have hired extra security after members of the UUP, Sinn Fein, SDLP, DUP and even the Green Party were spotting loitering suspiciously outside the wire fences which keep the pigs safe from harm.
Piggery owner and animal-lover Caoimhin Bacon revealed he was not overly surprised at the allegations against the UK’s Prime Minister:
“I’ve known for years that men in a governmental position develop an affinity with all manner of pork, from wild boars to the common domestic pig. I even remember an Alliance politician who was mad into the warthogs. I don’t understand it myself but I suppose it takes all kinds.”
Bacon (55) maintains that the allegations against the English PM will encourage some current MLAs to become slightly bolder in their pursuit of their porky pleasures:
“Even this morning I spotted a Sinn Fein MLA working in cahoots with a high profile DUP politician trying to lure a crowd of sows over by throwing a pile of truffles at them. The Asian Pot-Bellied pig seems to be a big favourite of the SDLP lads so we’ll be keeping a close eye on that one too.”
The Dungannon Piggery Ltd have installed electric fencing around their premises since this morning’s revelations and have hired over 200 security men who previously worked at the old defunct Tyrone Brick factory. One of the heavies, Padraig McDonald, admitted that this was much harder work than his previous employment:
“At Tyrone Brick all we had to do was keep an eye out for young teenagers looking to steal bricks to throw at the Brits and to make sure they didn’t lift too many. This work is much harder. I even caught one MLA from Carrickmore this morning in a field, dressed up as a tree and moving inch by inch towards our premises. Sleeked enough characters.”
Dungannon Piggery is closed to the public until further notice.
The bar manager at Bar 15 in Belfast confirmed this morning, with the aid of CCTV footage, that a group of co-workers from Cookstown managed to break the 2-hour barrier for non-verbal communication on their annual night out in the big city.
The 5 workers from ‘That IT Shower’ on Molesworth Street all managed to ‘check in’ on Facebook, post a combined 45 pictures of their cocktails on Instagram and browse the latest developments on the Strictly Come Dancing potential line-up on Twitter for two hours and five minutes before a Team Leader asked the rest of the group if anyone wanted another drink.
Waitress Abba Edberg from Sweden added:
“It was a quite remarkable feat. When they all took an individual selfie within the first five minutes I knew we could be onto a new world record here as they spent the next 25 minutes checking to see who liked their picture. Then the Instagramming started and it was all downhill from there. They are a resilient bunch. Oh how we cheered behind the bar when they reached the 2-hour mark.”
One of ‘That IT Shower’ workers told us this morning that it was the best staff night out ever. Billy Sheehy (40) remarked:
“It was deadly craic. I got 210 likes for my selfie, 44 likes for an Instagram of my Margarita with sepia filter and how I laughed at some of the comments on Twitter about Daniel O’Donnell’s appearance on SCD. We’re just a mad bunch of lads and I cannot wait personally until next year’s do. I’m suffering today though…my battery’s dead.”
The previous record for staff night out non-verbal communication occured in 1998 at the joint Sinn Fein and DUP fancy dress party at Stormont which lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes, ending when Martin McGuinness told a dirty joke about a woman in Portrush.
A Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent candidate who promised to get rid of all the snakes in the constituency and secure free Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream for everyone over 60 has reacted angrily to the news that he received only four votes – that of himself, his wife and only two of his four voting children.
The constituency, which saw a close fight between Michelle Gildernew and Tom Elliot, was one of the few areas which allowed all candidates to make a speech after the result, and Paddy Kelly took the opportunity to berate everyone in the counties of Fermanagh and Tyrone cursing them for the next 100 years in Latin.
Kelly, from Benburb, began his speech thanking other candidates for a clean campaign before turning on the voters:
“It was a fair fight and congratulations to Mr Elliot. However, I’ve something to tell the people of Fermanagh and South Tyrone. F**k yiz all. Yiz must be happy with the snakes and the itchy arses. I’d have cleaned all that up for yiz but yiz just see Orange and Green. And to the two of my own children who didn’t vote for me….let’s just say there’ll be a change to the Will on Monday morning.”
Mr Kelly closed his eyes, held his hands up the the heavens and exclaimed:
“Es mundus excrementi”
which means “You are all a pile of shite” before cursing the area with bad weather and vicious snakes for the next 100 summers.
Meanwhile Tom Elliot and Michelle Gildernew were spotted heading into a luxurious restaurant together in Dungannon laughing and joking although one punter snapped a photo of Gildernew rolling her eyes after Elliot told a simple joke she’d heard before. The traditional meal between first and second in the area was first thought of when Francie Molloy offered to buy Ken Maginnis a steak in 1992.
Political analysts have urged Tyrone voters not to get too carried away by promises from politicians, advising people not to get their hopes up if their chosen candidate gets elected.
At a live televised debate between politicians competing for votes in various constituencies, the studio audience appeared to get whipped into a frenzy by increasingly outlandish claims from party members including jobs for everyone over the age of 16 to roads so smooth that you could iron your shirt on it.
Local politics commentator Ronald McSheery offered a word of caution to voters:
“People maybe got a bit carried away on the TV. When the DUP promised jobs for everyone, paying at least £30’000 per annum, Sinn Fein countered it by saying they’d tarmac every road using brilliant steamrollers. Then the SDLP felt left out so they reckoned they’ll give everyone a fiver a week. So the UUP threw their lot in by promising DLA for everyone with a slight limp even without a doctor’s note.”
McSheery, who was observing the debate from a media balcony, was shocked at the audience’s reaction:
“The bigger the bullshit the crazier the audience became. When the Green Party said they’ll have a big green-themed party in fields all over the county once a week with a free bar and free crisps, people were jumping up and down yahoo-ing and kissing and stuff. It was madness. People here aren’t used to this type of politicking. They believe it.”
One Cooktown voter maintains he’ll be voting Sinn Fein as they’ll be fixing every road themselves.
“I’m usually a DUPer but I’ll be putting my X beside the Shinners this time cos that road out my back turns my car into shite every time I head out. The man said he’ll tarmac it himself in his suit the morning after the election.”
Opinion polls in Mid-Ulster put independent candidate Pat-Joe Muldoon as firm favourite after he promised to legalise illegal alcohol, illegal fuel and women of the night.
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
Educational authorities are to meet later this week to discuss an incident in a West Tyrone school after a 6-year old Strabane boy won Pupil of the Week certificate for his comprehension skills.
The Board will discuss whether or not to ratify ‘bollix’ as an acceptable addition to the Tyrone vernacular within the classroom, with many parents happy to see the term given official status.
The incident in question occurred after the P2 class at St Phillip’s Primary School in Strabane were given the Humpty Dumpty song lyrics, followed by the question ‘What do you think of Humpty Dumpty now?’
P2 teacher Master John McElhinihan is adamant he did the right thing in rewarding ‘he’s an oul bollix‘ with the full six marks out of six:
“I read and reread it and couldn’t find fault in the young lad’s answer. If Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall and couldn’t even manage that successfully, then he deserves all the abuse he gets. Young Johnny was just saying what we’ve always been thinking over the years. There’s a good chance the men and horses thought the same and didn’t try too hard to fix him back to his previous self.”
The Humpty Dumpty incident follows hot on the heels of Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew’s use of the same word recently, which was largely accepted as an excellent and accurate example of how to use it. Master McElhinihan added:
“Gildernew gave the word a bit of gravitas with her celebrity status. Everybody is using it now and even Fr Frances used it at Mass on Sunday to describe the divil. The only contentious issue is the spelling of it. That’s why the educational authorities need to meet as soon as possible to sort the whole issue out.”
However, GAA authorities are reportedly livid after Clonoe GAA club’s annual award ceremony included a ‘Bollix of the Year’ trophy.
Despite pressure from friends and family, it is rumoured that Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff will not be baring his backside in a Kim Kardashian-style photo-shoot to raise money for the flooded areas around Derrytresk.
Carrickmore have confirmed that the calendar will go ahead with one definite photo already leaked on social media of Conor Gormley wearing only dungarees and shovelling manure in a field, winking at the camera.
The defection of McElduff is a serious blow to calendar photographer Ozzy Corr:
“I had it all worked out in my head. Barry would have his back to the camera, eating maybe a bowl of champ, totally buck naked. I wasn’t sure whether he’d have the glasses on him or not but sure it’s not going to happen now anyway. The poor flooded people of Derrytresk will be devastated to hear the news that Barry’s buns won’t be bared this year anyway.”
Women across Tyrone have described the news as ‘catastrophic’, with one 45-year old from Kildress claiming she hardly feels like bothering with Christmas this year.
“Forget the flooded ones in Derrytresk, what about the females of Tyrone? We have nothing to be looking at all year around and then we’re teased with the possibility of seeing McElduff’s posterior. It’s just cat. Barry won’t be getting my vote next time unless he changes his mind and gets the kit off. Mr Elduff – your county needs you.”
Other confirmed closely-guarded names for the calendar have been hard to acquire but we do know that Owen Mulligan, Malachi Cush, Jimmy McGuinness and Fermanagh journalist Declan Bogue were rumoured to have been spotted wearing suspicious-looking trench coats in various ramparts and ditches around the area over the weekend.
Meanwhile, a Derrytresk Community spokesman has asked for more snorkels to be send to the area urgently.
First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.
The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.
The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:
“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”
Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:
“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”
When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.
The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.
News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.
“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.
The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.
52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.
“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.
“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.
Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.
“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.
She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.
“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.
Loughran however rejected the concerns.
“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month. Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.
In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.
Counting in the Mid-Ulster elections was halted after no one in the arena was good enough to ‘do big sums’.
Rumours of a problem with the adding began to emerge after a batch of 300 solar powered calculators were delivered to Magherafelt’s Meadowbank arena at around midday, with some counters complaining that getting over two digits was ‘deadly confusing’ with numbers between 249 and 899 particularly mind-boggling.
Chief supervisor, Packie Price explained:
“Yes, it’s a symptom of the digital age. People are used to their electronic equipment doing all the hard work. I saw a man complaining after his batch of votes saw someone reach 11 as he was using his fingers to count. The solar powered calculators helped for a while but sure when the dark clouds came they weren’t worth a frig because we only use 40 watt bulbs in here.”
Disaster was finally averted when an 83-year old ex-maths teacher was found in Moortown who still does long division and works out his multiplication with a pencil. Henry Coyle, who has never seen a calculator in his life never mind used one, is currently adding up the Clogher Valley tally much to the cheers and claps of everyone in the building:
“It’s like a football match here. Oul Henry just added up Sinn Fein man Sean McGuigan’s votes there and everyone cheered, even the DUP. People just want out of here. Henry is starting to flag a bit and keeps going to the toilet or dozing off. We have 25 HB pencils so utensils will not be an issue.”
Meanwhile, Independent Kildress councillor Lilly Friel failed to meet the quota. Her vision of ‘a new Kildress, free of illegal fuel and home-made poitin’ failed to pull in votes, polling just 1 follower who may or may not have been herself. Kildress man Kevin Friel, who voted for someone else and also happens to be Lilly’s husband, added “We’re just not ready for that stuff”.