Who wants free ice-cream vote by SDLP

Political analysts have urged Tyrone voters not to get too carried away by promises from politicians, advising people not to get their hopes up if their chosen candidate gets elected. 

At a live televised debate between politicians competing for votes in various constituencies, the studio audience appeared to get whipped into a frenzy by increasingly outlandish claims from party members including jobs for everyone over the age of 16 to roads so smooth that you could iron your shirt on it.

Local politics commentator Ronald McSheery offered a word of caution to voters:

“People maybe got a bit carried away on the TV. When the DUP promised jobs for everyone, paying at least £30’000 per annum, Sinn Fein countered it by saying they’d tarmac every road using brilliant steamrollers. Then the SDLP felt left out so they reckoned they’ll give everyone a fiver a week. So the UUP threw their lot in by promising DLA for everyone with a slight limp even without a doctor’s note.”

McSheery, who was observing the debate from a media balcony, was shocked at the audience’s reaction:

“The bigger the bullshit the crazier the audience became. When the Green Party said they’ll have a big green-themed party in fields all over the county once a week with a free bar and free crisps, people were jumping up and down yahoo-ing and kissing and stuff. It was madness. People here aren’t used to this type of politicking. They believe it.”

One Cooktown voter maintains he’ll be voting Sinn Fein as they’ll be fixing every road themselves.

“I’m usually a DUPer but I’ll be putting my X beside the Shinners this time cos that road out my back turns my car into shite every time I head out. The man said he’ll tarmac it himself in his suit the morning after the election.”

Opinion polls in Mid-Ulster put independent candidate Pat-Joe Muldoon as firm favourite after he promised to legalise illegal alcohol, illegal fuel and women of the night.