Category Archives: Cappagh

Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.

klein-fabricat-80er-retro-sprinter-shorts-glanznylon-kurz-grün-vornThe PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.

Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.

Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:

“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”

Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.

“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”

Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.

Cookstown Man Arrested Under The Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964)

0d3899ea5cea093fd3085c3c8730b307A Cookstown entrepreneur who was caught in Malaga Airport with a large bag of home-grown potatoes with sunglasses on them in his suitcase is facing up to three years in prison after breaking the Marketing of Potatoes Act (1964) and assaulting a Spanish officer.

The Act, which states that a constable may seize and may detain in custody any potatoes which are being or which are suspected by such an officer or constable of being, sent out of Northern Ireland, hasn’t been used since the great Cappagh Spud Scandal in 1966.

Seamus Sheehey, who admitted to planning to set up a stall on a beach in the south of Spain to sell his 300 potatoes, maintains the heavy-handedness of the Spanish police led him to head-butting one of them and running off, shouting ‘leave my spuds alone yiz bastids’, according to startled onlookers.

“How was I to know about that law? I just remembered how last year I was lying on a beach in Benalmadena and thinking ‘jaysus I’ve love a good spud now’ and the sweat beating off us. I’m sure others felt the same. But there was no need for the Spanish police to start rummaging through my suitcase and throwing my potatoes all over the place, wrecking their sunglasses disguise. It was intimidation.”

Sheehey was already facing community service as well as a ban on being anywhere near a potato field before he headbutted the Spanish officer.

The case brought back memories of the Cappagh Spud Scandal when three Cappagh men were caught at Dun Laoghaire with over 20 tonnes of Tyrone potatoes painted in different colours to resemble large marbles, bound for England.

New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’

dictionaryA new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.

The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.

As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:

‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.

Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:

“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”

Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.

How Brexit Affected Tyrone

EU-FLagBREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION

Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.

Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.

Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.

YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS

In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.

“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.

PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV

A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:

“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”

Cappagh Zoo Closes After Two Weeks. Dogs Used As Zebras.

cat2

‘Brazilian Cougar’

 

Following a short inspection by the Irish Zoo Safety Team, Tyrone’s first fully fledged zoo was forced to close after it emerged that half the animals weren’t actually what they were advertised as.

Opened on the 12th January, Cappagh Zoo promised visitors ‘an experience of the jungle merged with the ultimate safari experience’ with tours starting at £25 for a one-hour visit. Suspicions emerged almost immediately on social media after a customer videoed ‘zebras’ in the Zebra Pit barking and urinating in a dog-like manner up against trees.

The tweeter, Paul Gargan, added:

“I was very suspicious. The ‘Deadly Cat’ was simply a fat cat, probably filled full of carbs and steroids. It just lay there scratching itself and meowing.”

Other messages began appearing, casting doubt on the ‘Japanese Orangutans’. Gargan explained:

“I personally know that supposed orangutan. He’s called ‘Hairy Harry’ and he lives up above Carrickmore. He’s remarkably hairy but he’s definitely Harry Gormley, not an orangutan.”

Several visitors demanded their money back after the ‘Exotic Aquarium’ featured several salmon, trout and eels just swimming about.

“Sure you’d see that every day down by the Glenelly River. I paid £75 for this. My two sons started crying at the camel section. It was obvious that the ‘Cameroonian Camel’ was a donkey with a lump on its back. What the lump is I don’t know but it’d need to be taken to the vet or put down.”

The Irish Zoo Safety Team took the decision to close the zoo after they discovered a ‘Jaguar’ (painted Alsatian) openly mating with a ‘Giraffe’ (Labrador), causing great distress to a group of primary school children.

Cappagh Zoo officials were unavailable for comment.

Tyrone Geography Teacher Admits Major Subject Knowledge Malfunction

Cappagh pupil's answer

Cappagh pupil’s answer

Cappagh Grammar School have reassured parents that their children can resit their GCSE Geography after all 33 pupils failed to achieve higher than a U this year. Early reports suggest a major problem with the Geography teacher’s knowledge of the planet outside of Tyrone, with one pupil complaining that her teacher told them Russia didn’t exist and that Drum Manor forest park in Cookstown was a real Irish rainforest full of South American tribes.

Mr Kelly, who has been teaching at Cappagh Grammar since 1999, also admitted to believing Europe and Asia etc were called ‘incontinents’ and that mountains were man-made by Egyptians.

Ex-pupil and IT guru Patsy McGlade revealed:

“We’d warned the school about Mr Kelly. Sure he told us back in 2002 that rain was formed by the Chinese and that the earth has 4 moons – the quarter, half, 3/4 and full ones – going around it. The penny dropped after we left school and bit by bit found out that everything he taught us was wrong. For me, it was when I found out that lap dancers don’t come from Lapland.”

Another past pupil, Kenny Willson, remembered:

“When we were studying oceans he told us that there was no such thing as tides and that people were just walking closer to it or further away and couldn’t remember where it was the last time. We never questioned him. When he said that Russia also didn’t exist we should have worked out he was a fraud. But he was very convincing. He said Russia was like Narnia and made up by the Americans.”

Cappagh Grammar are to fund the resits of GCSE Geography and have reassured students that the Sperrins are not a collection of simmering super-volcanoes ready to blow, as they were previously instructed.

Tyrone Irish Language Group To Translate New 50 Shades Book Into Native Language

2045441In a bold attempt to attract new members to the Irish speaking community in Tyrone, a recently-formed organisation ‘Gaelcappagh’ have won the rights to translate the new 50 Shades novel in the series by E L James into Irish before the English language version hits the shelves in Ireland.

50 Shades of Hidings (as gaeilge), which sees the female protagonist give her male companion a few hidings during romantic courtship, has already received 700 pre-release reservations in mid-Tyrone with many middle-aged women and men rushing to attend Irish Language classes for beginners this weekend.

Gaelcappagh president Lorcan O’Fiach admits it was a risky venture:

“We had to find someone willing to translate 50 Shades of Hidings into our national tongue without getting too hot under the collar and then going home to the husband or wife and upping the courtship stakes. We found a woman McAliskey from the loughshore but that had to be abandoned after her other half complained to us that he was getting no rest at all. Luckily PP Fr Hall’s 89-year maid finished the translation and she seems alright.”

Cappagh local and general handyman Paul Molloy admitted he was spending every last free second cramming before the novel comes out in August:

“I’ve re-read my Progress in Irish book about 40 times now since the announcement last week. I even know the Irish for ‘bate it into ye big girl’ so I hope that comes up in the book or maybe the translator will put it in now because I’ve said it. Maith thú I think.”

 50 Shades of Hidings (as gaeilge) retails at £8.99 and will be available in a couple of book stores in August. The English version is due to be released in 2016.

Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border

Donegal car in outside McMahon's house in Omagh

Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh

Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.

News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.

In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.

A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:

“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”

Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.

No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.

Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager

Carrickmore Man ‘Deadly Excited’ After Birth Of Royal Baby

For sale in Carrickmore

For sale in Carrickmore

A Carrickmore car mechanic has decided to come clean and admit he watched wall-to-wall coverage of the birth of Princess Charlotte, daughter of the current Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, leaving two punters fuming that their cars weren’t ready for over 48 hours.

Lennie Cavanagh (48), who has only been as far as Bundoran on holidays, revealed he even found himself welling up when he saw the mother of the child walking about in a clean frock so soon after the birth.

“This is right up there with the first All-Ireland and my own wedding. I just turned over to BBC News 24 to see the weather and found myself hooked on the Royal storyline and the weight of the baby and stuff. It was riveting. People won’t admit it, but it has fairly lifted Carrickmore this week. Let’s be honest. This child is more important than our own.”

Irate car owner, Francie Johnson (39) from Cappagh, did not share in Cavanagh’s elation:

“My ball bearings are banjaxed and Lennie is sitting on his arse watching the news about a child being born in England. The same man didn’t turn up for the birth of his own second child, instead watching the reserves in the first round of the championship. Although, admittedly, I myself was pleasantly surprised at how well rested the Duchess looked after the birth, and me and the lads did talk about that for two hours in the pub that night.”

Local bookmakers Kelly’s Odds boasted they made over £30’000 on the birth after a rash of unsuccessful bets on what the name of the child would be. A spokesman for the company revealed 49 punters bet on “Saoirse”, 34 plumped for “Caitlin”, 21 chose “Caoimhe”, 19 “Aoife”, and 11 “Roisin”.

Meanwhile, Carrickmore captain Benny Gormley has promised to celebrate any goals he scores this weekend against Coalisland by pulling a dummy from his socks and making a rocking gesture to mark the momentous occasion:

 

Tyrone Man Banned From Reality TV After ‘The Voice’ Debacle

WARNING – THIS REPORT MAY CONTAIN BAD LANGUAGE, DEPENDING ON YOUR DISPOSITION

Morgan, from Cappagh

Morgan, from Cappagh

For the second time in two years, a Tyrone farmer has been escorted from the premises of a BBC building after verbally abusing judges in The Voice and tampering with the swinging chairs they sit on before turning around.

Paul Morgan (29), a budding pub-singer from Cappagh, was also involved in an incident during Strictly Come Dancing in 2013 when he kept shouting out scores a split second before the judges announced theirs, confusing the live audience and TV producers alike.

Morgan, who sang ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ in his audition for The Voice, became visibly irate as his song progressed at the fact that none of Tom Jones, Ricky Wilson, Rita Ora or will.i.am looked like turning around to signal their appreciation.

During the end of chorus lyrics:

‘Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven / I’ll come crawling on back to you.’

he added ‘yiz miserable bastards’ before giving all four contestants, who still had their backs to Morgan, the finger.  Just as the music subsided, he added:

“Will yiz turn round yiz horrible c**ts”

which was bleeped out by quick-thinking BBC technicians.

Morgan repeatedly muttered ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’ during each judge’s speech about why they didn’t turn around for the Cappagh man before launching a torrent of abuse on Tom Jones for his ‘knicker collection’. He was soon escorted off the premises by five burly security men.

The mid-Tyrone man was later spotted tampering with bolts on the chairs in order to make them permanently stuck, facing away from the contestants so that no one could go through to the next round.

Morgan famously was evicted from the Strictly Come Dancing studios two years ago after annoying an entire audience, at home and in the crowd, by shouting out his scores a millisecond before judges such as Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli called theirs. Many celebrity contestants were left in tears, thinking they had scored a perfect 10 when it was really only a 5 or a 3.

Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market

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Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle

Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.

Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.

In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:

“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”

Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.

“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”

Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.

 

Over 5000 Tyrone Men To Be Circumcised On New Year’s Day

Queue for tickets for Omagh circumcision event

Queue for tickets for Omagh circumcision event

In a bid to recognise The Feast of the Circumcision of Jesus which from 1568 to 1960 was called “The Circumcision of the Lord and the Octave of the Nativity” and celebrated on the 1st January, over 5000 Tyrone men have agreed to be circumcised on that day with many opting for public ceremonies.

Although the Church have distanced themselves from the event, many theologians have backed the initiative as an honourable attempt to overturn the decision of Pope John XXIII’s in 1960 who renamed the day by omitting any reference to circumcision.

One volunteer from Cappagh, Pat Rice (61), maintains he is a little bit nervous but reckons it sends a message out to today’s youth that Christianity is still alive and well in mid-Ulster:

  “I admit I’ve had a few sleepless nights thinking about it, especially as ours is being carried out in the middle of the local football field on the back of a lorry. But the organisers promise the crowd will be told to stay behind the fence and there is a ban on zooming devices such as cameras or binoculars. I’ll throw a few half’uns into me first and it’ll be dead on.”

The largest group appears to be in Ardboe with over 900 men agreeing to the circumcision. Gardener Leo Tomney agrees that it sends out a positive message:

“Young ones nowadays have lost their way. They’d rather stay in the house on their computers instead of going to Devotions or doing a stint at the Missions. By showing them that we’re proud of our faith and are willing to undergo open-air surgery, maybe it’ll turn a few back to the light. I’ve a new pair of jeans and all for the big day.”

200 nurses will be on standby throughout the day.

Cappagh Win Most Enviromentally-Friendly Place In World For Human Waste Energy Scheme

A Cappagh home

A Cappagh home

Cappagh, a large farming and quarrying area in the middle of Tyrone, has been heralded as an example to the entire planet after it emerged that 98% of the townland’s energy is powered by human waste due to its biomethane and general biomass initiative. 

The project, which was accidentally started when schoolmaster Kenny McGrath passed wind whilst walking past a tilly lamp causing it to ignite, has saved the Irish National Grid £300’000 in under a year. Martina Mallon spearheads the Keep Cappagh Lit programme and told us it wasn’t all plain sailing:

“It took a long time for many families to synchronise their bowel and wind movements to maintain a continuous supply of power to their homes. Children and parents were under pressure to perform on the toilet when things were running low, sometimes just for a simple cup of tea.”

Leaflets were distributed to homes in the area advising on appropriate foods for spontaneous mass energy production as well as slow burners for long-term projects.  Paul O’Neill, a father of 8, explained:

“We have a system going where the 4 eldest eat porridge and spuds. They maybe don’t go to the toilet too often, but when they do it’s a hefty haul and we use that for the washing machine or oven. The younger 4 eat a lot of fruit and stuff that goes right through you. We employ their waste for the continuous running of general electricity. Myself and Maura supply the biomethane by devouring beans 4-5 times a day and that looks after the heating. It gives you a fair grasp of energy conservation.”

The Irish National Grid have laid on bus tours of Cappagh for other villages, towns and cities to see how it’s done and are told not to pass judgement on the smell as it offends the natives.

 

Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser

Two Clonoe Women Go At It

Two Clonoe Women Go At It

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.

The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.

“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.

Participant Steve Lewis said,

“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”

McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.

“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.

McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.

Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears

Dick, welding.

Dick, welding.

Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.

The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.

A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:

“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”

Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:

“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”

Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.

Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as

Coalisland this morning

Coalisland this morning

the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.

Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.

All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.

Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.

The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.

Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.

More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.

“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”

With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.

The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.

Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation

Cookstown, an hour ago

Cookstown, an hour ago

Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.

UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,

Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:

“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”

When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.

Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.

Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.

World Cup Widows Prepare For Month Of Shouting Matches

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Women across the county are ramping up their shouting techniques as men get ready for a month of doing nothing around the house.

The 2014 World Cup, which kicks off on Thursday, will see all matches played after 5pm, meaning very few man-jobs will be completed around houses after work. Cathy Traynor, an events manager from Cappagh, is confident she is fully prepared for the month ahead:

“Yes, a few of us met up last night to put the finishing touches on our roaring sessions. I learnt a few new phrases like ‘get up off yer feckin arse ye lazy oul balax’ that’ll come in handy around the second week and all the light bulbs need changing.”

Leaflets have been distributed amongst women in Galbally, instructing them on leaving out bins and kicking car tyres to see if they’re OK. Recently elected Independent councillor for Kildress, Leo McHudd, is worried about the local livestock:

“I’m slightly concerned that animals will be left to roam the lands for four weeks. That encourages inter-species breeding and that’s the last thing we need after the half-sheep half-pig fiasco of four years ago. We didn’t know whether to eat or shear the thing.”

Patsy Mackle from Blackwatertown admitted he’s fairly excited at the month ahead:

“I buckin hate soccer but I’ll be glued to the TV. I means I don’t have to lift down boxes from the attic or plumb the kitchen pipes. I do start to smell a bit after a few days but sure I’ll just stick the head out when it’s lashing down.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone have adopted Iran as their team of choice as they also live beside dodgy enough neighbours.

Fivemiletown To Be Renamed ‘Eightkilometretown’ Under New EU Legislation

Fivemiletown copy

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New rules introduced by the EU via Stormont will see the village of Fivemiletown in Tyrone renamed Eightkilometretown from next Monday.

Council workers were today hard at work changing signage in and around the town to ensure that the Ulster councils do not fall foul of a new
EU directive designed to ensure consistency and transparency across European members, which includes the standardisation from imperial measures to metric.

Fivemiletown is not the only location in Tyrone affected. Sixmilecross village today similarly becomes Ninekilometrecross, whilst one of the county’s best-known visitor attractions, the Beaghmore Stone Circles, a site of significant archaeological interest, becomes the Beaghmore Kilo Circles. Retail outlets are also affected, with Poundland in Dungannon’s Scotch Street changing to Gramland from next week.

Other plans which may be introduced over the next twelve months include driving on the right hand side of the road, horsemeat being sold throughout the county, again, and compulsory three-hour siestas on any day the sun comes out.

Local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann confirmed the changes:

“It makes sense. Sort of. If we’re trying to encourage Johnny Foreigner to come and visit the county we don’t want him all confused with the inches and the miles and driving on the wrong side of the road and suchlike. We want him thinking it’s just an extension of his own country. That’s why this time next year places like Cappagh and Galbally will have pavement cafes, street artists, and a branch of Harrods. A bit like Donaghmore really”.

He continued,

“Imagine walking through Greencastle up to your arse in Michelin-starred restaurants. That’s what it’ll be like. And the Garvaghey complex will probably get bulldozed and turned into a big marina with million pound yachts and pedalo boats and things. Yep, we’re going the whole nine yards. Sorry, metres”.

As part of the re-naming programme, all possible racial references will be removed to ensure that no-one can take the slightest offence, with plans already under way for the River Blackwater to be re-named the River-Of-Non-Defined-Origin-Water from October.

‘Darragh The Tank Engine’ Writer Accused Of Plagiarism By Publishers

The plump regulator

The Plump Regulator

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A Seskinore writer of a new children’s book has been accused of copying a long-standing children’s classic.

Last month author Marty Gallagher of Doogary Road was in discussion with several well-known Tyrone-based publishing houses about a children’s book he had written entitled ‘Darragh the Tank Engine’ about a fictional train and his little train friends, before being accused of copying a similarly named character and story-format from another popular children’s book.

“My characters are completely different from anything else that’s out there”, protested Gallagher. “See, I have this one boyo in it who’s not a train at all but a human who looks after all the railways and trains and suchlike, called the Plump Regulator. I know it’s probably a bit size-ist but it just seems like the right character. I can’t explain it. I’m copying no-one hi. It’s deadly. And if it gets made into a telly programme I don’t want some posh actor from London narrating it. I like the idea of someone with a strong regional accent, like that John Bishop fella. He’s quite good. It’s just something about the Scouse accent. Class”.

Gallagher turned to writing a few years ago after heavily investing in a typewriter manufacturing business in Belfast, which promptly went out of business two weeks later.

“Aye, who could have predicted the changes ahead, eh?” said Gallagher ruefully. “I tried to save the business by diversifying into selling filofaxes, but it was too little too late. That’s why I’ve since turned my hand to writing. I’ve some imagination, even although I don’t know where my half my ideas come from”.

One of the would-be publishers based in Trillick, the publishing heartland of Tyrone, who didn’t want to give her name, declared,

“I know where his bloody ideas come from. He needs to catch himself on. He approached us with a book last year called Barry Cotter, about a boy wizard from Cappagh who got up to all sorts of stuff with his mate, Sean Greasely. Wonder where he got that idea? And then there was his other so-called book, ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Washingbay’. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. And obviously neither can he”.

As of yesterday evening, Gallagher was hard at work on his typewriter expanding his range of train characters, including a “a friendly wee Welsh engine called Ivor”.

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