Fr Vivian Sheeran, the controversial Cappagh priest who was thrown out of the Vatican last year for drinking 3 bottles of red wine and telling the Pope he was a ganch, has managed to irk the whole of Armagh by claiming God was comparing the Orchard County to forbidden fruit.
In a 2-hour long sermon in his home parish, Fr Sheeran maintained that God was hinting at Adam and Eve to stay away from Armagh, represented by a tree in the story, but when they did eat the apples they ventured into the county and were damned to hell for eternity.
Parishoner Henry Quinn (77) agreed with the priest’s interpretation:
“It seems plausible enough. My own grandfather mistakenly wandered into Blackwatertown and was beset with health problems thereafter. He died 2 years after that, ironically choking on an apple.”
According to listeners, Sheeran went on to claim that 2002, the year Armagh lifted the All Ireland, was a precursor to the apocalypse and mankind was only saved when God himself lifted the trophy the following year.
Meanwhile, next weekend Fr Sheeran will become the first priest in the world to marry a man to his pet dog, ‘Bubbles’, in a lavish ceremony outside the Rock.
Women across the county are ramping up their shouting techniques as men get ready for a month of doing nothing around the house.
The 2014 World Cup, which kicks off on Thursday, will see all matches played after 5pm, meaning very few man-jobs will be completed around houses after work. Cathy Traynor, an events manager from Cappagh, is confident she is fully prepared for the month ahead:
“Yes, a few of us met up last night to put the finishing touches on our roaring sessions. I learnt a few new phrases like ‘get up off yer feckin arse ye lazy oul balax’ that’ll come in handy around the second week and all the light bulbs need changing.”
Leaflets have been distributed amongst women in Galbally, instructing them on leaving out bins and kicking car tyres to see if they’re OK. Recently elected Independent councillor for Kildress, Leo McHudd, is worried about the local livestock:
“I’m slightly concerned that animals will be left to roam the lands for four weeks. That encourages inter-species breeding and that’s the last thing we need after the half-sheep half-pig fiasco of four years ago. We didn’t know whether to eat or shear the thing.”
Patsy Mackle from Blackwatertown admitted he’s fairly excited at the month ahead:
“I buckin hate soccer but I’ll be glued to the TV. I means I don’t have to lift down boxes from the attic or plumb the kitchen pipes. I do start to smell a bit after a few days but sure I’ll just stick the head out when it’s lashing down.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone have adopted Iran as their team of choice as they also live beside dodgy enough neighbours.
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.