Moy Locals Ordered To ‘Do Themselves Up A Bit’ After Moy Park World Cup Announcement
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.
Tyrone News In Brief – July 2013 – O’Driscoll/Snowden/Pomeroy
O’DRISCOLL AND MULLIGAN DROWN SORROWS TOGETHER
It emerged this morning that Brian O’Driscoll immediately Skyped Owen Mulligan in Cookstown after hearing he had been dropped from the Lions side to face Australia in the final test. Needing to find comfort in the aftermath of his devastating news, O’Driscoll quickly contacted Mulligan over the Internet and they reportedly drank the night away sharing stories of heartbreak before breaking into a few songs. A source close to Mulligan told us:
“Jaysus Mugsy had some head on him this morning. Apparently they both ran out of liquor at about 3am our time so O’Driscoll told him to drink some oul water that Owen had been cleaning his paint brushes in whilst the Dub quaffed fermented coconut milk. I could hear the whole thing. They were crying at one stage, calling their managers all the names of the day before I heard O’Driscoll break into Dirty Old Town followed by Mugsy’s rendition of Horse It Into Ye Cynthia. It seemed liked great craic. It turned sour at the end though and they effed each other off before calling it a day.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN TO SEEK ASYLUM IN DUNGANNON
Edward Snowden, the US National Security Agency whistleblower, has been offered asylum in Dungannon today, possibly around the White City area of the town. Deputy Lord Mayoress Jane Hurson confirmed that he’d be welcome in Dungannon as long as he abides by a couple of rules:
“Yes, we’re happy to nip in in front of them Koreans, Bolivians or Ecuadorians. Dungannon is a safe haven for boys like Snowden but he’ll have to abide by a couple of conditions. Firstly, he must spend all his money in local shops and not be buying stuff over the Internet. Secondly, he’s not allowed to use his whistleblowing skills in the White City as regards families doing the double, claiming for DLA or dirty diesel. If he does he’ll get some kicking from me.”
Hagan’s Bar have already planned a ‘Snowden Night’ theme with people asked to dress up as spies or Americans or simply bring whistles.
POMEROY IS JUST A BIG SPEED BUMP BETWEEN STEWARTSTOWN AND CARRICKMORE
Under the 100 year document release policy, the Tyrone Council have revealed that Pomeroy was originally built to slow down horses and carts ‘flying’ between Stewartstown and Carrickmore as well as Cookstown to Beragh. Pomeroy burglar Kevin Og Devlin was not impressed:
“It all makes sense now. We thought people were slowing down to take in the majestic views or to marvel at the architecture of the Credit Union, the Medical Hall, the bookies or the vets. Turns out not a bit of it. They’re just slowing down so that the suspension doesn’t wreck itself. You don’t know how bad we feel today to be a glorified speed bump. Well, feck them. We’re blocking off the Termon Road, Tandragee Road, Edendoit Road and the Pomeroy Road for a fortnight. That’ll learn them.”