UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
People Queued Up For 5 Hours in Newtownstewart For Nothing
A 3-mile long queue in Newtownstewart turned out to be pointless, after a 5-hour wait for whatever it was they were meant to be queuing for ended quietly at 3pm this evening. 23 people were treated for sunstroke whilst another two were hospitalised over a row about the Fermanagh fracking situation.
The queue began after two boys (Tom Chapman and Barry Keating) stopped for a chat outside the pharmacy to discuss the previous night’s episode of Emerdale. Within 20 mins, a queue the whole way down the whole of the Main Street had formed as people mistakenly waited patiently on what the people in from were waiting for. Jackie McConnell, who was about 150th in the queue, explained:
“Aye, it was a bit of a waste of time. It’s very hard to resist a queue though isn’t it. You’re awful afeard of someone getting something you might like and them boasting about it in the pub. I’ve had nothing to eat since last night and only headed out to get a loaf of bread for the family. Jaysus, they’ll be starving too. That was five hours ago”.
Chapman and Keating filled the five hours debating Syria, Guantanamo, the price of steak, the GAA, Mick Jagger, Mrs Kelly’s skirt last week, magic, leaking valves, Korea, the weather, existentialism, itchy arses and the Eurovision amongst other things, before saying their goodbyes.
The PSNI refused to comment after it was revealed four of their officers were also in the queue, and getting paid for it. Of the 2612 in the queue, 909 were teachers. 2490 were men. Stewards also appeared from nowhere to direct the queue.
Tyrone News In Brief – July 2013 – O’Driscoll/Snowden/Pomeroy
O’DRISCOLL AND MULLIGAN DROWN SORROWS TOGETHER
It emerged this morning that Brian O’Driscoll immediately Skyped Owen Mulligan in Cookstown after hearing he had been dropped from the Lions side to face Australia in the final test. Needing to find comfort in the aftermath of his devastating news, O’Driscoll quickly contacted Mulligan over the Internet and they reportedly drank the night away sharing stories of heartbreak before breaking into a few songs. A source close to Mulligan told us:
“Jaysus Mugsy had some head on him this morning. Apparently they both ran out of liquor at about 3am our time so O’Driscoll told him to drink some oul water that Owen had been cleaning his paint brushes in whilst the Dub quaffed fermented coconut milk. I could hear the whole thing. They were crying at one stage, calling their managers all the names of the day before I heard O’Driscoll break into Dirty Old Town followed by Mugsy’s rendition of Horse It Into Ye Cynthia. It seemed liked great craic. It turned sour at the end though and they effed each other off before calling it a day.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN TO SEEK ASYLUM IN DUNGANNON
Edward Snowden, the US National Security Agency whistleblower, has been offered asylum in Dungannon today, possibly around the White City area of the town. Deputy Lord Mayoress Jane Hurson confirmed that he’d be welcome in Dungannon as long as he abides by a couple of rules:
“Yes, we’re happy to nip in in front of them Koreans, Bolivians or Ecuadorians. Dungannon is a safe haven for boys like Snowden but he’ll have to abide by a couple of conditions. Firstly, he must spend all his money in local shops and not be buying stuff over the Internet. Secondly, he’s not allowed to use his whistleblowing skills in the White City as regards families doing the double, claiming for DLA or dirty diesel. If he does he’ll get some kicking from me.”
Hagan’s Bar have already planned a ‘Snowden Night’ theme with people asked to dress up as spies or Americans or simply bring whistles.
POMEROY IS JUST A BIG SPEED BUMP BETWEEN STEWARTSTOWN AND CARRICKMORE
Under the 100 year document release policy, the Tyrone Council have revealed that Pomeroy was originally built to slow down horses and carts ‘flying’ between Stewartstown and Carrickmore as well as Cookstown to Beragh. Pomeroy burglar Kevin Og Devlin was not impressed:
“It all makes sense now. We thought people were slowing down to take in the majestic views or to marvel at the architecture of the Credit Union, the Medical Hall, the bookies or the vets. Turns out not a bit of it. They’re just slowing down so that the suspension doesn’t wreck itself. You don’t know how bad we feel today to be a glorified speed bump. Well, feck them. We’re blocking off the Termon Road, Tandragee Road, Edendoit Road and the Pomeroy Road for a fortnight. That’ll learn them.”
Tyrone Weekend Gossip Snippets – March 9/10
Francie Molloy’s victory in Mid-Ulster have seen a rise in extreme beard-sporting men across the county. Molloy’s fashion statement has been embraced warmly by the locals who wanted a new fad as the Dennis Taylor upsidedown glasses were starting to look dated.
Benburb Sunday organisers have warned Justin Bieber that if he’s late or takes ill during his performance in the townland this summer that they’ll kick ‘seven shades of shite’ out of him. The threat was sent by fax.
MOTHERS’ DAY IN ARDBOE CANCELLED
Mothers’ Day in Ardboe has been postponed for a year after a shop in the village mistakenly advertised it as Mother’s Day, with the apostrophe in the wrong place signalling it was just one mother. Children took this as gospel and neglected to buy anything for their own mothers. Mrs McGuigan is the lucky mother.
STREET LIGHTING IN GREENCASTLE REJECTED BY LOCALS
Greencastle residents have cut down the recently erected street-lighting on the main street. They said it was shining a light on the ‘things’ they do at night.
A 21-year old carpenter from The Plum ‘got a woman’ at the Greenvale last weekend. The priest is to mention the success at Mass tonight and the choir have promised to sing the song from Titanic.
GORTIN MONITOR KOREAN CRISIS
The Gortin International War Monitoring Committee have issued a statement saying they’re keeping an eye on ‘them there Koreans’ and that they’re not afraid to ‘start swinging’ if they don’t calm down a bit.
TONY DONNELLY PISSED OFF
Tyrone assistant manager is reportedly ‘pissed off’ at having to stand behind the wire during games with the ‘ordinary plebs from the East’, complaining of wire marks on his hands. Negotiations to do a swop deal every now and again with Mickey are on-going but Harte is refusing to budge, stating an allergy to wire mesh and people close to the lough.
“Galbally Style” Dance Craze About To Sweep Continent
Following the universal success of the Korean song and accompanying dance moves of ‘Gangnam Style’, what started out as ‘a bit of codding about’ may eventually see Galbally as the place on everyone’s lips before the end of the week. Last week’s Galbally Dinner Dance appeared to pass off like any other year with only a few bare-knuckle fights, a couple of raids by the PSNI for illegal alcohol and one girl making a show of herself with her skirt up around her neck dancing to ‘Walking On Sunshine’. What the members didn’t know was the presence of an Australian film-maker, Karl Harris, who wanted to capture the essence of Irish celebration.
“I was just doing a bit of filming. I managed to capture much of the heavy drinking and ferocious slagging in great detail. It wasn’t until the crowd were well oiled and the men started to trickle their way onto the dance-floor that I knew I had stumbled across the real moneymaker – Galbally-Style dancing. I’d never seen movement like it. The women began to exit the floor as the presence of Galbally-Style male dancing put them at risk of broken jaws and twist limbs. It is hard to describe. The men seemed to jump up and down, legs akimbo, bent at the knee, arms in the air, elbows slightly bent, shouting ‘yeeeooooo’ or ‘yeeeehhhaaaaaa’. They would repeat this movement about 50 times in a minute, bouncing off each other at sporadic time gaps. It was quite mesmerising and definitely well rehearsed. ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ seemed to be a favourite, bare-chested after midnight.”
Harris released the video onto YouTube and ‘Galbally-Style’ has already amassed 1’288’000 hits in one day. The comments below the clip range from the critical “Bunch of typical drunken Galbally tax-dodging f**kers” (from Kildressman2) to the less judgemental “Are these hoors on drugs?” (from Carmenlady65).