Canadian singer and songwriter, Justin Bieber, who recently disproved the possibility of the Big Bang theory, has finally broken his self-imposed silence regarding the erratic car parking scenario in Coalisland.
For centuries, Coalisland has persisted with a free and easy attitude to parking in the town, with drivers able to abandon their motors mid-drive in order to pop into a shop for a pan loaf or pub for a quick pint, blocking traffic in both directions for up to 20 minutes.
Although locals have a relaxed attitude their archaic traffic system, passers-by from as far away as England and Dungannon have resorted to beeping their horns in frustration at the lack of movement on the Main Street. On several occasions, impatient drivers have found themselves overturned or in some cases missing their wheels after a pronged period of beeping and fist-gesticulating.
In a series of online messages, Bieber commented:
“I’ve kept quiet about this but, banzinga baby, car parks are a gift from God. Know what a mean. The driver peeps from the ‘Island need to chill out and park their vehicles in the lots 24/7. You do the math.”
Apologising to the loyal ‘Beliebers’ in Coalisland for the outburst, he threateningly added:
“I’m happy to take matters into my own hands if the authorities in the ‘Island don’t take my shit seriously. Two words: Nuke your ass. My Beliebers, get out to Newmills as soon as you can. Big time, “
before bursting into a rendition of Where Are You Now, making nuclear bomb gestures with his hands.
Coalisland Lord Mayoress Helen Carter retaliated:
“He’s a wee bollocks.”
Meanwhile Landi’s have launched their ‘Bieber Burger’ which, they say, ‘is deadly’.
Francie Molloy’s victory in Mid-Ulster have seen a rise in extreme beard-sporting men across the county. Molloy’s fashion statement has been embraced warmly by the locals who wanted a new fad as the Dennis Taylor upsidedown glasses were starting to look dated.
Benburb Sunday organisers have warned Justin Bieber that if he’s late or takes ill during his performance in the townland this summer that they’ll kick ‘seven shades of shite’ out of him. The threat was sent by fax.
MOTHERS’ DAY IN ARDBOE CANCELLED
Mothers’ Day in Ardboe has been postponed for a year after a shop in the village mistakenly advertised it as Mother’s Day, with the apostrophe in the wrong place signalling it was just one mother. Children took this as gospel and neglected to buy anything for their own mothers. Mrs McGuigan is the lucky mother.
STREET LIGHTING IN GREENCASTLE REJECTED BY LOCALS
Greencastle residents have cut down the recently erected street-lighting on the main street. They said it was shining a light on the ‘things’ they do at night.
A 21-year old carpenter from The Plum ‘got a woman’ at the Greenvale last weekend. The priest is to mention the success at Mass tonight and the choir have promised to sing the song from Titanic.
GORTIN MONITOR KOREAN CRISIS
The Gortin International War Monitoring Committee have issued a statement saying they’re keeping an eye on ‘them there Koreans’ and that they’re not afraid to ‘start swinging’ if they don’t calm down a bit.
TONY DONNELLY PISSED OFF
Tyrone assistant manager is reportedly ‘pissed off’ at having to stand behind the wire during games with the ‘ordinary plebs from the East’, complaining of wire marks on his hands. Negotiations to do a swop deal every now and again with Mickey are on-going but Harte is refusing to budge, stating an allergy to wire mesh and people close to the lough.